I am Special Ed

Horny!

2012-01-29T17:44:00.000-08:00

I am fuckin' horny, baby!!!!! (think Austin Powers).

Dyin' here!!!

Was driving to Best Buy this afternoon, and a rock solid hard-on set in for no reason. Writer Lady is out of town, Pilates Lady not talking to me again, my ex is pregnant, I can't just go to a bar and score some head (a. Writer Lady will worry b. I'm not drinking, and my A game for picking someone up quickly seriously suffers when I'm sober).

What's a horny sober guy to do?

I'm not jerkin' off. I'm over that. I really am. It doesn't do it for me anymore. I need some flesh to rub up against, or an orifice to shove my cock into.

I just ran 5 miles on a trail (beautiful run at Eaton Canyon). I worked out at the gym yesterday. I saw a movie last night---Haywire---starring a very sexy MMA fighter named Gina Carano. She's smokin'---the movie---notta so much, but it was okay. But it just made me hornier (If there is a Texas kick boxer reading this please proceed to the on-ramp to the I-10 west and proceed until you reach Pasadena).

So here I am on a Sunday night, alone, horny, hungry, yet happy.

Happy to be alive. happy that I start my new gig next week after the Super Bowl. Happy that I am healthy. Happy that I am love. Happy that I have love. Happy that I am bettering myself; evolving into the grandest version of who I am. Happy that I am truth---believing in this Universe, this life, this world, this--ALL.

I can't fuck Writer Lady until Wednesday. School tomorrow after work. Tuesday I work with C-Bone at night. Wednesday seems so far away.

Truth be told, I am horny for some chocolatey goodness. My ex is no longer on the potential booty call market. Her sweet chocolate booty is engaged and pregnant. I still can't believe it sometimes. I went to the movies with her yesterday, and we ate some food at CPK afterwards. I looked at her as she talked. I smiled at her smile. I craved her radiant, caramel toned skin. I wanted my lips on hers, my arms around her waist as I fucked her deeply. We had breakfast yesterday too at Mimi's. Afterwards, as we walked to her car, I did as I did when we were together: I let her walk ahead of me so I could get a good look at her sweet chocolate ass as it bounced ever so slightly in it's strong, firm jiggly kind of way, to and fro. God I want a chocolate ass to be riding me right now.

I guess I'll have to settle for the chocolate Santa that lays forlornly on the lower shelf in my fridge. Poor guy. He's been there awhile. I think I'll take the first bite out of his jolly ole ass!!!

Peace

Kevin

Amazing Grace

2012-01-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

The Universe knows I am prosperous! So amazing how this life works. I so get it. I am so creating an amazing life. It starts with my perspective, then a thought on this perspective, then a knowing that it already IS! It's nothing short of amazing how it all works.

This morning I let C-Bone's Mom know that I was giving my two week notice. I expressed this information and I came from love when doing so. There is no other way to explain it. Knowing that life is amazing, and knowing that all change is for the better has me creating nothing but beauty and adventure in every moment of NOW.

C-Bone's Mom just wanted to make sure that I didn't totally cut myself off from her son and family. How beautiful is that. This c-Bone dude sits next to me right now, smiling and making his own special version of happy noises.

I start a new and amazing gig in two weeks. I'll still work with C-Bone some. I am going to rock my therapist test tonight. I am loved. I have love. I am love. It is all so simple, sweet, and amazing.

The adventure rocks on.

Peace

Kevin

Never All Quiet On The Western Front

2012-01-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

So my ex is pregnant. And I ain't the baby daddy! At times, I feel like I should be. At times, I feel like I shouldn't be. At times I wish I was. At times I'm glad I'm not.

I am with Writer Lady. I am thinking about Pilates Lady. A certain Texas hottie still makes my heart pang, pang, pang.

New job begins 2/06. Have to tell C-Bone's Mom tomorrow that I am putting in a two week notice.

The NY Giants just scored a touchdown against the San Francisco 49ers. I am watching football and reading about cognitive development theory as put forth by Jean Piaget.

Tomorrow is my last class of my 1st Masters class. The new class begins the 30th of this month, and I think I have to have a paper written for that class. Crazy. School. New job. pregnant exes.

Life sure ain't dull.

Writer Lady wonders why we haven't hung out since last Wednesday. I needed a solo weekend to sort out my head. Sobriety. New Job. leaving Old Job. Pregnant ex.

K let me know she was pregnant after we had picked up diapers and baby bottles at a 99 cents store for a baby shower K was attending later in the day on Saturday. Coincidentally, when in the store, I rubbed her belly and said the folks in the store are gonna think we are an item, and that we are buying new stuff for the new baby that is on the way. Weird. Twenty minutes later she told me she was prego.

Went to the movies with Pilates Lady last night. She wants to be exclusive. I am having thoughts about it. Walking the streets of Los Feliz yesterday I was coming across an infant at every corner, looking at them deeply and smiling---smiling like I wanted one too. Is my man clock ticking? I have a daughter, but she's 24, and I was not in a relationship with her mother. Am I desiring a married life? A kid? And all that comes with that?

I don't know.

I'll have to think about this stuff when I get a minute. Sure is a lot on my mind out here in the wild, wild west---the location of my life right now.

Peace

Kevin

Back To Anxiety Maple Tree School

2012-01-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

The Universe provides. Yes she does.

Seems I am embarking on a new adventure. A new gig. A return to Anxiety Maple Tree School (Hathaway-Sycamores), where I used to teach Special Ed. This go around I will act as a Behavior Specialist in the Glendale High School location. This will lead to me transitioning into the role of Clinician (LMFT) when a new classroom is opened in a year or so, where I will do my practicum for my license and work as a tried and true therapist for kids with behavior disorders. The Universe has provided me with my dream gig. Sure this place gave me anxiety back in 2007---but I was anxious about teaching (which I didn't want to do).

I am excited.

Change is good. After 4 years with Lord C-Bone it is time for a change.
Besides the Universe, my ex---Dr. K I will refer to her here as---hooked me up with this. She rocks, co-conspiring with the Universe like that. All this is meant to be, and it's pretty damn exciting. Change to me is exciting. I welcome it. I desire it. It's my high---my drug.

So---stories to come soon. Adventure stories. My title---I Am Special Ed---is now in working motion again---I am back with kids with behavior disorders in a Special Ed High School classroom, working close with a clinician, gearing up to eventually be a clinician myself.

Rockin' on!!!

Peace

Kevin

Puzzled No More

2012-01-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm gonna be a good, no---er, a GREAT therapist!!! I feel it!!! Had another judged session as a therapist yesterday and I got rave reviews. Nothing has ever felt so right in the moment. I sit in front of the client, I make genuine eye contact, and I shut up my brain, stop thinking, don't think about what profound question to ask, and I simply LISTEN. Doing this, I naturally get in the perfect groove for helping said client. I love it. It comes naturally! I found it. It's what I am supposed to be doing. And the opportunities that will arise in the next few years to be a counselor are going to be nothing short of amazing.

I see myself as a traveling counselor. Go to where natural disasters occur and help the devastated populations, write about these experiences while traveling and send stories to travel/psychology periodicals and magazines. Write books. Help others. Be Love. Make money. have fun. Life is kickin' as it should be. This IS the time. 2012, the year of change is upon us, and I am cruising down happy street all the way, and shall be the light bringer that I am through this amazing time of change. The light bringer. I like that.

Took the day off of work today. Feels good. I am in search of new work. Shall be transitioning from C-Bone gig in next 3 to six months. It's all good. I am psyched about this change in my life. It is going to be beautiful truth adventure.

It's all coming together. I can see the puzzle pieces, and they are not just floating around in limbo anymore, they are naturally coming together to form a whole of their own power. I am creating a formed jigsaw puzzle in my head and the pieces are following suit, edging their ends into the correct dock. It's all nothing short of amazing. The people entering my life are here for so many reasons than I am barely aware of right now. That's exciting shit. The people who have been in my life were and still are a part of my creating consciousness, and I am grateful for it all.

This ride is wild.

Life is no longer a mental puzzle to solve, but a completed process that I need just "flow" in. Yeah---I like that. Flowing free. Being me. Diggin' the ride!

Peace

Kevin

Fuckin' Freud

2012-01-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Sober Dreams!

They rock.

So much more interesting than going to bed drunk dreams (that is, even if you have dreams when your subconscious is soaked in booze).

Last night I was screwing multiple women at a college reunion. I was whoring big time. It was cool. I was desired by every alum, even some of the graduates that I never knew.

Freud is the big dream guy, and now that I am immersed in the study of psychology, I shall begin to really listen to my dreams. I have always been a vivid dreamer, and I have a hunch that our dreams have a lot more to do with our waking reality than we tend to think, or give them credit for. Our subconscious is the witness to all our past lives or incarnations. It holds the key to locked memories, and it is more connected to the ALL than our conscious brain. I believe this. And during this new time of study, I am going to write down my dreams, interpret them best I can, and share them on this blog site. After all, I haven't been able to muster up any good stories to write, and nothing crazy and sexual is happening in my waking reality, so I might as well share some juicy dreams.

Sex. So often this word is on my mind. Is it just a guy thing? I mean, they say guys think about sex every thirty seconds. I say every three seconds. Is it cellular? Is this preoccupation with sex printed on our DNA? Or is it learned? And if it is learned, when did we begin to think about it so damn much?

I was on line at Starbuck's this morning and I noticed a cute, 18-ish black girl on her cell phone, the reflection from her silver braces gleaming off the phone's mouthpiece. I wanted to fuck her. I was at the Post Office, waiting on line for stamps, and I was checking out the middle aged lady behind the counter, and I wanted to fuck her. I think about Katrina every day and I want to fuck her. I get Poked on facebook by my tranny friend and I want to fuck him/her. I look at my phone and see it is 11:11 and I want to fuck my friend in Texas (we have an 11:11 thing). I was at Von's returning two movies to the Blockbuster Express kiosk and I wanted to fuck the slot that you insert the movies into (just kidding, but I hope you get my point---I am always thinking about fucking!!!!!). Maybe it's the constant "sexting" with Writer Lady, for she is always proclaiming how she can't wait for me to fuck her again. We are admitted sex addicts in a relationship. I guess that's the cure for sex addiction---embark on a sexual relationship with another sex addict. I am a sex addict. It must be true. I am having regular amazing sex with a beautiful woman and yet that is still not enough.

Okay, so I think about sex all the time, it doesn't mean I act on it. If the tinsel-toothed hot, black 18 year old wanted to fuck me I would probably balk at the notion. I'm a conservative prude with a dirty mind. I guess that's it. I talk a big talk, yet don't truly walk the sexual adventurer walk. Or do I???

Peace

Kevin

Double Indemnity Cum Shot

2011-12-31T12:24:00.000-08:00

So I went to a therapist with Writer Lady. She wanted to do this, to ease her worries and state of anxiety over the fact that I will probably wind up drinking and then playing with a transsexual again. Pat Allen was the therapist (famous she is----Google her). It was a great session, and one thing was clear after the hour: I am in Love. And so is Writer Lady! Nice news to wrap up 2011 with.

A brief paraphrasing from the session.
WL: Early in our relationship, Kevin let me know he was a bisexual alcoholic, and that when he gets drunk, he likes to pick up transsexuals. PA: So he likes to suck a cock once in a while?? And the problem??? WL: (a little dumfounded) Well, I am sure he is going to do it again! PA: And the problem???

This was how most of the session went. She assailed Writer Lady's unrealistic worries and intimated that I am a good guy, bi-sexual sure, but honest, and not out to hurt anybody. "From what Kevin has told me", said Pat, "he knows that last situation caused you pain and he does not want to do that again."

Very true Herr therapist!!

Fun stuff is therapy!!! I am so excited to become a counselor myself. I think I am going to have a professional relationship with this therapist. You really need to Google her!!! Amazing school of therapy she comes from. This life of mine, and the connections I make, the synchronicity of it all, the purpose behind the process is so fucking amazing, and it becomes more and more apparent to me everyday that I am on a true path of awakening into who I really am: A Being of Pure Love, with the life ambition to give back, and to give of myself to others, to give---LOVE.

It's New Year's eve. I am grateful for it all.

Now to the gym, a trail run, and then a fuckfest at Writer Lady's with a film noir marathon thrown in. I told Writer Lady that I want to do her doggie style while watching "Double Indemnity" and I want to pull out and shoot my load on Barbara Stanwyck's face on the TV screen as she double crosses Fred Macmurry!!!

Happy New Year!

Peace

Kevin

An Early Embrace of 2012

2011-12-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

Well 2011 is just about wrapped up! See ya!! Welcome 2012!!!!

I learned a lot in 2011. I met an interesting Lady. I understand my soul a little more. I know sobriety is the life for me. I know I am loved and that I AM LOVE.

I am in school. I will be getting a new gig in 2012----should be interesting.

It's gonna be a rockin' year---full of adventurous change.

Peace

Kevin

Little Yellow Pill--- I Love You

2011-12-21T13:57:00.001-08:00

Oh Lordy! Hot and tawdry! This is my life. One hot and tawdry adventurous challenge after another. Popped a Xanax from C-Bones stash a few minutes ago. He took an Ativan an hour ago to relax himself. He was getting that "holy shit the world is trying to kill me" look. This look has graced the C-Man's good looking' mug almost daily for the last month. It may be more than a month. Time and dates seem to be eluding my conscious understanding. I now know that this Christmas Eve and Christmas day will have me chilling in Los Feliz in an apartment I used to share with my ex, frequently referred to in his blog as, Pilates girl. She and her two cats still live in this quaint one bedroom.

I am on a quest to find a new job. I intuitively know there is something interesting for me out there. Something in or related to the counseling field. Or maybe not. While I am in the Master's program I can do anything when it comes to work. I can work in film, radio, or even tend bar. What the fuck! Why the hell not? As long as it pays the bills and I can concentrate on rocking the Master's program.

Four years embedded in the world of autism. Change is due. I have had little to no social time in the past month. Every moment not around the family of C-Bone I am thinking about it: will I get a call to come in and help the therapist that is struggling with his self-abusive tantrums? Will I have to sleep over? Will I have time to work on school assignments? It's too fuckin' much. This change is going to be great. It IS time. Sure the family may feel that I'm running when things get rough, but it's got to happen. This change will be good for Chris. He will surely benefit from a new therapist. This therapist will bring a new perspective.

So---as I type on Chris' iPad 2 (coincidentally, the Lynch's bought me an iPad 2, but it's still in the box since I have had no time to go to the Apple Store to get it set up, fully "apped" and ready to enjoy). I'll be blogging on iPad.

Till then.

Stay anxiety free my friends. And as a future therapist---- I highly recommend the little yellow pill. I think I'll prescribe that to all my clients. We'll do Xanax therapy. And friends--- I'll give a discount on therapy.

See ya on the couch!

Peace

Dr. Anxiety LMFT

Stick A Fork In Me I'm Done!!

2011-12-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

I'm a good therapist. Did an exercise in class last night. I was counseling others. The judging faculty gave me high praise. It felt right, being in the moment, truly listening to another. Not thinking. Just pure listening in the moment. I paraphrased back, was empathetic, friendly, helpful, understanding. I am a therapist. I also want to quit my job.

I am going to resign from my C-Bone gig. Doing some searching now for another gig. It will be four years in February that I have been working with him, and it's time to cut the umbilical chord that has manifested between me, him, and his mother. I am too close. Too close mentally, and even physically (living 1.6 miles from his home makes me feel like I am on call 24/7). For a month C-Bone has been off the hook---behaviorally. I'm done. Stick a fuckin' fork in me already!

I genuinely feel it is time. During our mock counseling sessions in class last night, when it was my turn to play client, I reeled on about my anxiety with my current job, and the anxiety created by feeling guilty about wanting to leave it. In retrospect I am glad I opened up. It made me see it from another perspective. I am changing. Life is changing. It's time for something new. In two and a half years I will be a licensed therapist and I will have a most interesting gig somewhere. I am going to start now by changing it up a bit while I am in school. Time for some growth on the job front. Something different yet of course related to what I am going to be doing when I graduate. I know there is something out there. I plan on being in a new gig come February.

C-Bone will be fine. He is changing too, and having someone work with him with a different perspective is what I think he could use. I am too close as I said before. Every moment I am with him I am just waiting for the next anxious outburst from him. What will it be, I think. His sinuses? The cuts on his knuckles from banging walls? A gut issue (Those with autism generally have screwed up GI tracts)? I am fried green tomatoes. I am anxious in my stomach right now knowing I have to go to see him at 3:30 today. Every moment I am not with him I am expecting a phone call to come sleep over or help another therapist deal with his outbursts. I can't do it. I need anxiety drugs myself to keep this course. And you know what---it's all okay.

It's okay to move on. It's okay to find another gig. It's all---okay.

Right?

Peace

Kevin

What To Do?

2011-12-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

Feeling that "change" thing. Feeling a little anxious. Don't want to feel this way. Don't like it at all. It festers in the pit of my stomach, and then moves up and penetrates my mind, creating a whirlwind of anxious thought---thoughts about life and what I am to do. Thoughts about dropping out of Master's program. Thoughts about quitting the work I do. Thoughts about escaping. Wanting to just BE. Travel. Write.

I don't want to work around autism anymore. I don't want to worry about writing papers to become a counselor. Sometimes I don't see myself as becoming this person. I can usually picture things in my mind's eye, sort of like a premonition, or vision of what will be in the future. I don't see myself as a therapist. I don't know what I want to do.

Going to be 48 years old on Christmas.

I don't want to have this feeling anymore!!! This stress and worry.

I still feel like I am working and going to school to please others---my parents, my friends. Is it what I really want?? And if I decide to chuck all this for something else what is the worst than can happen? And if that happens, well then what is the worst that can happen than?

I just want to BE happy. And I am not right now.

I am about to go to work with C-Bone after a weekend off and I don't want to go.

What to do???

Peace

Kevin

Fuckin' Fear

2011-12-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

Autism is kicking my ass!!! C-Bone is hurting. Three weeks plus now!! I have been sleeping over his house (not really sleeping) and pretty much "holding" the guy so he doesn't hurt himself. It's tough! And I want to get to work on my 10 page paper for school tonight but my eyes are closing and I have to be back at his house tonight to sleep over and then work thirteen hours, sleep over again, be relieved Saturday morning at 9 am, and then go to the library all day, till 3 to write said paper, then have to get to writer's house because she wants to fuck before she leaves Sunday for two weeks to see her Mom in France and visit Madrid to see the premier of the one woman show on her erotic memoir-The Surrender! And I need to trail run, work out, sleep and eat somewhere in there. I know it will all work out. I truly do believe the universe does not ever give us more than we can handle. And I'm gonna keep believing that!!

Class for Master's in Counseling is going great! I did my PowerPoint presentation early and it got high praise. I guess I'm up for this school madness. It feel s good being in class, like I belong. And my Conversations With God daily e-mail spoke of fear:

Your fears have stopped you before
but they need not stop you now.
What's the worst that can happen?
And if "that" happened,
what would happen then?
And if "that" happened, then what?
Now, if you give "in" to your fears, where will that leave you?
Right where you are now?
And if that's where you want to be,
why is the "other"option even a little bit exciting to you?

I get it. Thank you universe. I actually take this little message to mean a lot. Fear of going to school, fear of failure in both school and work and pretty much face it---I fear life sometimes. I fear relationship. I fear change. I fear love. I fear lack of love. I think it's time to go back to therapy. What the hell, I'm gonna be a therapist in a few years time, might as well see what's out there. I've delved in therapy before---and I liked it. Good to just get all the shit out.

I just need to keep reminding myself that I am doing okay. But it sure does seem like chaos is reigning supreme---in my life and all around me. Maybe these really are the beginning of the end times. I don't fear that though, I know deep down somewhere in my being, that if I stay positive, keep helping others and coming from love, and walking the road less traveled, and BEING happy, and keeping fear from taking over---well then---all WILL be good. I know this. So I shall try to live each day in this knowing.

I think, sometimes, that my purpose for coming into this life was to beat the fear out of me; to rise above the unworthiness and truly embrace life fully, as the free spirit I am.

My soul is smiling (even though my eyes are closing).

Peace

Kevin

Peace

Kevin

Settling Down-what does that mean?

2011-12-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

Roofers on top of my little treehouse, tearing up the old (some detritus and old tar balls falling through a vent onto my stove top) and settling down the new. Settling down the new. That coupla words just got me thinking. I have really been settling down with "new." I am going back to school. I am having thoughts of "settling down" with someone, maybe even pro-creating. I look at it as another adventure in this opportunity called life. I used to look at the prospect of getting married and having a kid as something that others do, not free-wheeling sex hounds like me. I believed, and still do on some level, that I am not the marrying and settling down kind of guy. I mean I like to suck transsexual cock. This could pose a problem to a tried and true committed relationship. Although one writer friend of mine says she would be willing to have a threesome with a shemale or a guy if I would like. What a modern lady!

It is not writer lady that I am thinking of settling down with, but maybe that's possible too. She wants me to go to a therapist with her when she gets back from visiting her Mom in France this holiday season (kind of like a couple going to therapy right? Writer lady insisted this is not the case, she said she wants to do so so she can navigate through her thoughts on how to deal with the fact that I may be the kind of guy that will stray into an unsafe zone when it comes to sexual encounters outside of our non-exclusive relationship). I tell ya---the relationship with said writer lady tends to get very interesting at times. Besides the fact that we fuck like wild animals for 2 hours or more, and never go out together, or sleep over each other's houses, it is quite a funny dynamic as far as I see it. The lady I am thinking of settling with is an old flame. I will call her Pilates lady for the purposes of characterizing her for this blog. I'm starting to get strange feelings for Pilates lady. Thoughts of moving in with her again (or do I just want Direct TV again? My next door neighbor moved out on the 30th of last month, so Charter Communications promptly shut off the free cable I have been mooching 0ff of him for the past two years). I'm not wholly sure about my feelings for Pilates lady. We have a storied past. She does know everything about me, and she has embraced our periodic re-connects for the past 13 years, though they usually cut off with her being mad at me that I didn't take our night of sleep over as a sign that we are working on getting back together. But I have been cruel to her in my own not so special way. I have talked bad about her to others, and I have never appreciated her for who she is, and that bothers me, for she IS a sweet, caring soul that like every one else on this godforsaken planet, just wants some lovin'. She has always given me the benefit of the doubt, supported me in all my mad ventures, and is quick to forgive and give. So why haven't I settled down with Pilates lady years ago? Quick answer comes to mind for this question. It wasn't time. Maybe it is now. Maybe it is the high road for me, the proverbial road less traveled that I have been attempting to navigate these past couple of years. Maybe I can BE this. But I do have feelings for Writer lady, and I do fantasize about a certain Texan in my life, and I do still want to bang every woman that crosses my path on any given day, and I do still want to suck some cock now and then (especially if attached to chocolate transsexual).

I spent the past four days taking care of a very sick C-Bone. My job has been one of holding said autistic wonder boy to keep him from self injurious behaviors. Tiring. Seems like I have no time in my life these days with work, school, and crazy ass women in my life. But it is me that has created this state of being, so I'm going to continue to happily wallow in it, though at times I just want to quit my job, blow off going back to school, and write a book, traveling the Country and living the life of a true wanderer-seeker; looking for the secrets of the Universe, or at least the ones I feel like I have not uncovered yet. But then again, sometimes my soul says: Stay the path. Continue to evolve. Be in the moment. Embrace all that IS.
Easier said than done.

Off to the library now to start a Power Point, research for a paper, and then hit the gym for a much needed work out after 16 hours with C-Bone yesterday. I am shot---physically and mentally----but I feel good (my entire treehouse is shaking---roofers have heavy feet). I feel ready to attempt a sweet, mostly sober, relaxing, serene day of atmospheric library lighting, unhurried school work, and then seeing Pilates lady tonight to go to a play with her and one of her friends (threesome after the show???).

Peace

Kevin

Satan (the book)

2011-11-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Satan rules!!

I am reading the book, Satan. It's written by the son of the head of the Kabbalah Center. Very cool book, and it is so intertwined with the philosophy of life behind all the Eckhart Tolle books and even the Conversation With God books. I love it. I can't put it down. It has me laughing, crying, and truly appreciating this Universe we all live in at this present moment.

Satan is basically our ego. If we can suppress this guy, and come from love and not react, and be love for others, and share, and take the high road in our decision making opportunities, well then--we can and really have---defeated Satan.

Satan is our negative energy, our selfish decision, our reactionary ways.

Hell is living in a way that keeps this guy (ego) with us at all times. We can never be who we truly are with this satanic monkey on our back. To appreciate and pass his tests are simple and momentary. These tests appear all the time---in our thoughts, in the presentation of others' to our reality--- in the all actually, is where this trickster is, and laughing at him and subsequently defeating him, is a fairly easy thing to do. Just be love. Come from love. Think love. Sounds a little queasily cheesy but I think it's that simple.

No longer is Satan that horned, red-hued, cloven-footed monster living in an underworld called hell. He is a part of us, and all we need do is accept he is there, beat him at his game---daily---and all will be right with your life---and the current life you live. I like this. This learning and resonating with this stuff is so cool. I know it's not for everybody, for everybody is on their own present level of awareness, and that's all okay too. No judgement. No attachment. No resistance. These three things are the key.

I almost let Satan keep me from finishing my first paper for school. I panicked when I couldn't properly work a downloaded program that helps one write in APA style. Then I took a deep breath, stopped reacting, and all went better than well.

Believe in this process. God, the Universe, the Source, the All, the Alpha and the Omega, the pure energy of light and love---whatever you want to call it, it's out there, and better yet---it's IN there too; in us.

Keep on keepin' on Satan. I'm up for the game.

Your move.

Peace

Kevin

Bubble of Joy

2011-11-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

I am aware of the anxiety, and this awareness is dissolving the anxiety! I have no need to be anxious about getting my Master's. It is what it is. I am attempting to better my life. I am attempting to give something back through all this. This is no selfish endeavor. Sure it will be nice when I am a licensed MFT and I am making sweet bucks as a therapist for kids who need help, love, esteem, and some "happy" in their lives, but this is not the reason I am doing this, and because I know this, I can stop being anxious about it; stop feeling unworthy of it. I am worthy. I am evolving. I am being. I am growing. I AM.

I am caught up in obsessive thinking, all about a paper that is due on my first class, November 28th. It's to see if the student has an understanding of writing APA style. I fear I can't do it. And just as I typed that last sentence it made me laugh. Only my ego is reacting this way, it is not the true me reacting, for the true me does not react, it lives in the moment, it is pure Presence. This I need to BE in every moment, and then reaction can be left to the ego, which itself is withering, fading away for good. When I think in the moment I know that all is as it should be, and that is a beautiful way to think. I need to harness this thinking way all the time.

So here goes.
Being.

Whew! Nice deep breath and an exhale---that felt good.

Breathing into each moment. It's all so freaking beautiful if I just let it BE.

Saturday will have me at the library writing my first paper. I shall enjoy this process, embrace it all for the positivity that is sure to come from this program. I shouldn't worry myself with anything. I can do this. I can excel. If I come from love in this I know I can do it; have to let the fear go.

I am changing like never before. I am embracing things, truly, things that are meant for me, for the first time: sobriety, relationship, truth. I shall embrace AA. I am going to a church next Sunday, right here in Pasadena that explores all this Being stuff. I came across it in a magazine the other day. I am going to meet some interesting souls in the next few weeks---at school, AA, and this church. I am embracing life for the first time. I've always kind of hid from life, afraid to embrace the beauty of it all, mostly because I felt unworthy. Can't live like that anymore.

I want to enjoy this ride, so instead of "wanting" this, I need to BE this, then it is all around me, like a protective bubble. The Boy in the Love Bubble---that's me. And it is impossible to pop. For the love is strong, the truth is deep, and the Joy is overwhelming if I just let it be SO.

Join me for the ride, will ya!!!

Peace

Kevin

Pschological Embedding (and Bedding 0f classmates)!

2011-11-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

So halfway through my first class I'm ready to call it quits. Who am I kidding, I thought, I can't do this school shit 25 years later.

I was taking an APA class, which is the American Psychological Association's version of how one should write scholarly papers. Nitpicky little fuckers are the, APA! I couldn't even follow along with the professor when it came to navigating Microsoft Word for writing such a paper. I felt like I wanted to cancel this plan right then and there; walk into the Admissions Counselors office and just quit, go get a drink, and plan a travel excursion and start looking for jobs in film, radio, bartending....

But then I woke up. I embraced the moment. I realized this was meant to be a challenge. If it were not challenging I would not grow. If it were not to require some mental work on my part I would never grow to be an effective counselor. It's also about my own personal evolution as a being. I can do this. And, I am going to excel like never before. I'm doing it sober!!!! This too shall be a challenge. Embracing the AA program, getting a Master's, working with kids with autism---all challenging shit. And I am grateful for the challenge, for it is my path; my "road less traveled," and I know it is and can be a most beautiful and rewarding path.

I am going to embed myself in the world of Psychology for the next two years. For that I am excited. I was meant to be here, in this very moment, typing this sort of affirmation that this is the path I am gratefully taking. Doors are opening as I type. My mind is expanding; opportunities to live life like never before are being created by my every thought on this subject.

Psychology is freakin' cool. How appropriate that I am so interested in the mind and it's connection to the Divine, and our souls, and our creations, and have been reading so much the past two years about awakening consciousness and Being in the Now and here I am studying another aspect about "what it's all about." I will soon get to open the minds of kids without hope; foster kids, kids in "the system", kids with behavior disorders, kids with autism---just plain kids that are wondering what it's all about.

I think I might also learn a little bit about ME.

And remember, I'm sure I'll find a few sexual partners at school to keep my sex addiction evolving as well. And for that I am grateful.

Peace

Kevin

Psychology of A Sex Addict 101

2011-11-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

I have this recurring thought to drop out of my Master's in Psychology program even before it starts. Then my next thought is how exciting this whole adventure in psychology is going to be. I'm guessing it's just fear of the usual shit: money, can I do this shit, am I smart enough; fear that I was pretty sure I had gotten rid of. Fear do like to hang on, I guess.

I should have known I was a psychology guy years ago. My freshman year in college had me exempt from the Psychology 101 final. My friends and classmates used to cheat off my test paper. I wrote psychology papers with zero references, just cruising along like Stephen King, prolifically spewing out papers that received A after A from the professor. Psychology felt like a natural fit, yet my ego decided I wanted to be a filmmaker, and look where that got me---to California, the place of my dreams, and to a position as a Behavior Therapist for kids with autism, and an opportunity to go back to school to get a master's in Counseling. Sweet, huh? I am grateful. So I guess I can chalk one up for the ego making a life decision. At least now my awareness trumps my ego at every turn, and it is making this life more and more interesting and exciting by the day.

My student admssions counselor called me today to say that when the board of persons that declares my eleigbility for a Master's in Psychology review me it is important that I look presentable. Shit---I guess I can no longer sport my California Overgrown Teenager Wear (shorts, tee-shirt). Time to grow up I guess, at least on the outside. Although I am evolving when it comes to awareness, I happily fear I will always be sort of a kid on the inside--it's my nature, my free-spirited desire to be so trumps anything my psyche can prepare for me. I is who I is---and I'm starting to believe that ain't all bad.

First class tomorrow. It's an APA class---the American Psychology Association's class on how to write psychology papers. Shuld be cool. Then next week I have a class on tools for the entire program, and an Orientation. Orientation--wow! I remember my Orientation for Undergraduate school days: Party! I'm guessing this party will be a little more tame---and I won't be sporting shorts and a tee-shirt, though I will be looking around the room to see who I could sleep with! Ahhhh---some things never change.

Psychology of a Sex Addict 101. I shall write the book!!

Peace

Kevin

11/11/11

2011-11-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's 11/11/11 so I have to post something!!!

So here goes:

It's 11/11/11!!!!!

New adventures. New energies. A continuation of a very exciting life.

I love it.

On this 11/11/11---I am Grateful to be who I am, where I am, and all I can be!!!

Peace

Kevin

Yeah, that's right-BALDING!

2011-11-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

It is all so good.

I can be nothing but Truth.

The fear and lies are gone as I embrace the light and love of Being in Pure Truth. I'm still getting it, I mean, er, I haven't gotten it all yet---I am still learning---but I know this much---IT IS ALL GOOD.

I'm an alcoholic.
I'm bi-sexual.
I'm a dreamer.
I'm a light bringer.
I'm a little nuts (in all the good ways I like to think).
I love to love.
I'm balding.
I'm a liar (though I do not identify with this anymore---which is nice).
I'm full of Love.
I want to give Love.

I have found my passion.

I need only, BE.

Peace

Kevin

Karma Katrannyeum

2011-11-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

Thinking a lot about karma. I get it. I know it inherently. Therefore I need to keep the positive energy flowing. It's that simple. No room for negativity.

I got tested yesterday for STD's and HIV. I am HIV- and waiting on results of the gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia. I figure it can't hurt to do this kind of testing all the time, especially if I am a sexually active being---and that I sort of be.

I just want to be happy. I am happy. I am grateful.

I just want to be love. I am love. I have love.

I want to be healthy so I can live an adventurous, light-filled life. I am healthy---and my life is an adventure. All of life can be an adventure. We need just THINK that way. Sometimes I forget to think that way.

My crazy cousin John from Houston is here visiting. Our hangs together have always been booze filled. I am proud of myself that last night I did not get drunk. I went with my heart, listened to my soul, and didn't feel pressured to drink just because my buddy was throwing back martini's like water. I just can't do that to myself anymore. I like feeling good.

Not sure if my writer friend is still in my life. She is sad that I caused this rift in our relationship when I dabbled with the long-legged tranny. I didn't do this with any malice. I need to stop kicking myself in the ass for doing this. Actually, my writer friend recently thanked me. She had a revelatory moment. She said she was grateful for the love that we have shared these past 6 months; that she shouldn't expect more than the love that I showed her. It was beautiful, we both felt it, and it is okay if that sharing ends. There is no grief, no loss, no pain. There was love. There may be again, there may not.

I have opted for celibacy. I am concentrating on a new set of priorities: Truth 24/7 followed by Being, followed by Being Presence for others, followed by being sober, followed by living adventurously. It's all going to blend together amazingly. I am not giving up anything, I am just acting on my truth. Even my writer friend said she understood my being with another, for that is a part of who I am, and she thinks she could accommodate for that, as long as I played safe so as to keep her safe. This I understand fully, and is why I immediately let her know of my tryst. The truth does hurt sometimes, but it truly does---set one FREE!!!

Living Free.

Peace

Kevin

Pathological Truth Teller

2011-11-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am checking out so I can finally check-in.

Awake.

So concerned have I been with "what if's." What if I am gay? What if I am alcoholic? What if I am an addict? What if I choose this career to show who I am? What if I do this so people will know what I do therefore they will know who I am. I still don't know who I am, but I know who I am not going to be anymore.

I am done being a pathological liar.

I Am Truth.

I will be truth in every moment. No room for fear of who I am.

I am Love.

I am Joy.

I am Truth.

I am here in this life to be those three things.

My calling in this physical realm is to be this for others. I shall be this for others: joy, truth and love.

No room anymore more defining who I am by created actions that are not me.

Here's a little truth: I love life. I love to love life. I love to give of me to others.

Here's the truth of what I am tired of and therefore shall cease to be: A Liar. A fearful person. A labeled (I am not a gay, straight, bi-sexual, addict, alcoholic) person.

I AM.

I have lived a life where I try to label myself each waking day as I see fit for that day. I see how other people react to me and I conform to that. I have been living my life to hide from others and to ultimately hide from who I am. No more labeling. No more scrambling of thoughts to see who I shall be on any given day. No lies. No fear of telling my truth.

My truth:

I like to give love. I like to be loved. I used to express my liking to give love through sex. I thought this was how it worked, with men and women. I can't be like that anymore--- it has done nothing but cause hurt in my life, and especially hurt for others. Why has it taken me so long to see this. Well, that doesn't matter. What's important is I see it now.

I am starting over. Fresh and true.

I am excited.

Life is amazing. These opportunities to express who I am are amazing gifts, and for this I am grateful.

Gratitude for life!

Peace

Kevin

Karmic Love

2011-11-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

Better now. A day of reflection, well---a morning and early afternoon of reflection, walking to get stamps, going to Subway, e-mailing my writer friend, reading Conversations With God stuff and some other helpful words.

I am worried about karma, and now I know I need not be. If I am being me, coming from love, and being truth, then it is not necessary to think about karmic situations, or better yet, projecting certain karmic outcomes on myself.

I had a little fling with a transsexual on Friday night. On Saturday morning I let my writer friend know what had transpired. She was upset. However, we had come to a mutual understanding that we were were not mutually exclusive, but we sort of also had an understanding that it was don't ask, don't tell. However, I couldn't see her for a sex-filled Saturday after a potentially risky sexual fling with said transsexual Friday night. This was due to the respect I have for writer friend, and anyone that I am intimate with for that matter.

To be safe, I am going to a clinic next week to be tested for the gamut of things I could have picked up if said fling partner was carrying any baggage of the std sort. We didn't do too much, and this Lady was sweet, open, honest, healthy, and we didn't engage in any truly high-risk behaviors. BUT---you never know. So I feel good about getting tested next week.

However, if all is good to go, should I still maintain a relationship with writer friend? My first thought is no. I hate that I hurt her, let her down, etc. But, sometimes these things happen for a reason. Maybe this was my way of ending this relationship. It has been nothing short of beautiful being with her, but I am not sure I want to maintain a relationship of this nature with her. She is sweet, beautiful, funny, smart, sexual and honest. I love the woman. But I think I am starting to see a side of me that wants to explore, to be who I am---truly, and with all open honesty, love, compassion, and adventure.

I tire of hurting and hurting others when I fall from a state of grace. But I can't help but think that sometimes it takes these falls to the non-grandest version of me for me to see that I can be the grandest version of me in any situation---even one in which I may fear a bit, for this fear is only based on what I think others will think of me, and after almost 50 years in this lifetime, I can't live like that anymore.

Karmic Love stay with me.
Be with me.
Express through me.

Peace

Kevin

Hurting Again

2011-11-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

That semi-anxious feeling revolves around my being like one of the gaseous rings enveloping Saturn's atmosphere.

I am in thought, and not the good of the moment thought.

I hurt another woman.

It has happened again. My desires led me to a familiar place. A familiar behavior ensued. The familiar regret, wait, no---not regret---but anxiety follows. I am truly beginning to wonder if I am gay, and just so afraid to be so. My writer friend, over tears of sadness, suggested that I just let myself be gay, or if I am attracted to transsexuals, well then I should just be so and act accordingly.

I fear this, and I don't want to. I am here, in this lifetime, so concerned with "being love" and Being Who I am, and evolving my consciousness, and yet I am failing at being my truth, and this personally deceiving myself has, and is continuing to lead to hurt for all involved, including myself.

What am I to do?

How can I BE and be this? Why do I fear just reveling in who I am, embracing it, being joy in it? What do I really fear?

I just want to be happy. I just want to give love. I just want to BE.

Peace

Kevin

Old Desires Peak on Friday

2011-10-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

Been meeting and hanging out with writers as of late. I feel kindred spirits, even though I am not a published writer. They sure do make for interesting conversations. Very quirky folk, quick to make fun of themselves, and full of joy and adventure for living, with an attached spot of impending doom stuck to their outward bubbly facade. Kind of like ME.

Been feeling so good recently, yet can't shake this inner anxiety. Feeling of sudden change about to slap me across the mind.

Change is so coming. I know this to be true. Not just change in MY everyday existence, but extreme change in the world---all around me, and for all (all one need do is be awake and let the change happen, it should be nothing short of amazing). I try to stomp out the presence of fear, but it's not easy, after a lifetime of keeping fear in my man bag. It sits in the bottom of my male purse like lint and pocket change, not ready to disintegrate and attach itself to the underside of a couch cushion. I feel it right now as I type this, about to go to work with the autistic wonder boy for 10 hours. Is my fear just my worries for this kid? That I am not capable of helping him? That he will let anxiety take him over and I will have to deal with it?

This job is getting to me a little. I am "on" too much. Sometimes seven days a week I work, and there is no "mind" relaxing during these work days. I have to have my autistic radar on at all times, never knowing if and when C-Bone will lapse into anxiety which usually leads to attempts at self harm. I think three-plus years of this is tiring my psyche. But I persevere, for the joy takes over, almost daily, and all is right with the world once again.

John Tottenham is an English chap, friend of my dancer/writer friend, and he is one incredibly witty guy. I met him last night as Toni asked me to come by her house since I was nearby in West Hollywood watching my cousin's cats as he is in NYC. This meeting of a friend of hers took our relationship to a new level. As I arrived she embraced me and kissed me in front of friend. This was new, I thought. Our relationship up until this point has strictly been chock full of clandestine meetings in the dark bar of El Compadre on Sunset Boulevard, followed by a slinking back to her bedroom for one of our bi-weekly sexual romps. The three of us sat on her couch and the funny guy with the English accent made me laugh with each little quip and personal stab at his persona appearing incredibly charming. I think he has a reading on youtube one can see under his name. Check it out---it is funny.

I also am officially approved for a student loan for graduate school. This might be lending a touch of anxiety to my being and I am trying to let it go. It does feel like the right thing to do. I know deep down it is a path I am meant to be on, with the sole purpose of this endeavor to be that as a counselor/therapist I can help bring those to the light of this life. Isn't that what it's all about? These days I think it is. My current state of awareness reinforces this in many ways most days. Quite exciting to say the least.

Time to head to work. Then staying in West Hollywood this weekend. Thoughts of visiting the tranny bar fill my thoughts this morning for Friday nights at The Palm is Illusion night. Can I go, enjoy my fetish and not act on it? Can I seek the thrill without the payoff? Does there need to be a payoff? Can I just accept this desire as a part of who I am and bless it and let it go? As far as my current level of consciousness goes, I would have to declare a strong I THINK SO!!!!

Well, if anything else happens, I shall the story here.....

Peace

Kevin

Beds of Yesteryear; Change All Around

2011-10-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on the bed where I laid for two years.

Ex-K is out of town and I'm getting new tires for my truck at the Nissan close to my old neighborhood and apartment here in Alhambra. Makes me think about time. Where it goes, how fickle it is, or even how illusory. There really is no time but the present, and presently I sit on a bed that at one point in this illusory cycle I shared with a sexy goddess. I am anything if grateful. Grateful that I am still friends with the sexy goddess. Grateful that I am where I am today. Grateful that my daughter is coming to Cali in two days.

Grateful for awareness.

I am psyched for the changes that are happening. It's exciting shit. So much positive change is going to happen in and around this world in the next few years that it will blow most people's minds. True understandings of things like time, awareness, space, love, consciousness, and Being will totally come to light. All persons will be able to experience Presence if they just let it happen. It's easy to get caught up in the chaos of the present moment, but it can be accepted and one can let it wash off oneself like dirt falls from the skin in the shower. It takes staying in the present moment. It takes a steady diet of these three modes:

Non-resistance Non-judgement Non-attachment

I truly believe following those three things are life changers.

Happiness is here. I feel it every morning. I create it upon waking and it stays with me the entire day. Choosing happiness is the key. Be happy, and you will have happy. Be Love and you will have love. Be abundant in your giving and you will have abundance.

I find joy in the simple things: a cup of coffee while looking up at the San Gabriel Mountains. A smile from C-Bone. How my body feels after a good workout or trail run. The hand of a lover on my chest after a particularly sexy romp in the hay. A dog's eyes. A bright flower reaching out from it's stem to show it's simple beauty. A butterfly swimming past my eyes, so close it almost touched me.

I really do get a flutter in my heart and soul when I think about positive change, and it's many potential manifestations. It is too cool. As is life. As is---Being.

Peace

Kevin

Excitement with a dash of Fear and an Eventual Coating of Presence

2011-10-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

Excitement and an underlying fear of death seem to both waver about me on a daily basis, like a whirlwind of thought manifested into a small whirling cloud that spins about my body like a reverberating cloak.

The fear is lack of breathing. This allergy season is a rough one. I have been sucking my inhalers dry, so quickly in fact do they run out of their life saving chemical air, that the pharmacist refused to give me a refill, saying I can't have a new one unless 21 days have passed since my last refill. That scared me a little, because during these volatile couple of months, as the Chinese Elm tree drops it deadly spores, I get short-winded often and quickly. At the moment, I cannot get a refill until Sunday, and it is now Tuesday, and I probably have enough spray left in my current inhaler to last me until then, but maybe not if I have to use it more than a few times a day. So there is the fear. But, alas, just presenting it here, writing the scenario down on my blog (which will soon be full of stories, and not my incessant rambling. I promise.), is cathartic enough to make me feel okay; the fear lessens and eventually melts away when I realize that this fear is mostly psychological and that I AM going to be okay.

The excitement comes from LIFE. This world has been a daily stirring of chaos, dread, fear, and anxiety---just look at the newspaper or TV news. It's amazing anyone can stay still and BE---but I am managing to do so. I am truly feeling the awareness in me grow; my consciousness expanding everyday. I am attempting awareness in every moment of a day. Instead of the incessant dysfunctional thinking that used to occupy my mind, I now can replace that with conscious thought, which manifests as Presence; just being. It's becoming easier to do this more often, even among the fear mongers, naysayers, negative energies, and dysfunctional thinkers. I am evolving. Truly exciting shit.

Excitement comes now with the prospect of every new day. I see it all as an opportunity to express the grandest version of who I am. That's a freakin' thrill! To be able to see the day as an opportunity for that expressing is nothing short of amazing considering where my mind was on the evolutionary scale just a few years ago. It's not an ego thing. I'm not tooting my own horn, saying I am better than everybody. I'm just grateful for this budding awareness, this evolution of my soul, this grand mission to BE.

I see my getting this Master's as an opportunity to do my life's work that was meant to be a part of me. When I become a licensed therapist, I can actually reach into the souls of kids with emotional disorder, lift them up with pure love for who they can be, and in turn grow exponentially myself with each soulful interaction with another. It's gonna be amazing. I inherently know this to be true.

So I must stay the path. Not stray from this growing consciousness. BE Presence in all I do. And most importantly---not forget to enjoy the ride.

Peace

Kevin

Tara In California

2011-10-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

The daughter is finally coming to California. Okay, she's not just coming to see me, but at least she's coming. I've been living in LA for almost 11 years, and she has never been here. She works for Sephora, and they are flying her to the OC for some make-up classes. So, I will be heading to the OC for a few days beginning 10/17.

It still blows me away when I consider that I have a daughter, and especially that she's almost 25 years old. WTF! That makes ME old (as she likes to say).

I am looking forward to showing her "my life." She does not know my life (actually, I believe no person can ever "know" another person's life). At least she will now get a small glimpse of who I am, where I am, and who I have become. I, in turn, will see a side of her that I have not been privy to---her individual self or who she has grown to become and how she does on her own, creating her day and who she is. It shall be a sweet experience, a period of growth for the both of us.

I like that we will have some true father/daughter time. No others will be involved---no other family, friends or acquaintances---just the two of us---checking out Newport Beach, showing her my apartment and Pasadena, strolling the beach at night in Malibu.

I am amazed sometimes that the kid loves me like she does. I have never really BEEN with her and her mother, except for when she was two and I moved her and her mom to Vail, Colorado where I was living, to try to get something going, so we could maybe be a family. That lasted about 3 weeks, and not due to anything my daughter did, I just couldn't stand being with her mom. That was a painful day, driving them to the airport in Denver, dropping them off as Tara wailed and cried. I almost drove off I-70 a few times on the drive home, trying to see through my tears, and the blinding snow. Lucky for me, my daughter has never held a bad thought about me. She is an amazingly beautiful sweet being, and I truly love her deeply.

I think this will be the beginning of a new relationship for the two of us. Something deeper will be breached in our souls, a coming together of an understanding of who we both are in relation to this life.

Peace

Kevin

Baseball and Sex-ting!

2011-10-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

Baseball. Baseball. Baseball.

This is my mantra when I am having sex and I don't want to cum. It helps me to think of something else, in this case-baseball, when I am feeeeeling goooood (and don't want to end it).

I am watching baseball right now. Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Rays (which used to be called the Devil Rays, but our pussy ass society decided that was crude---oh Hell---what a bunch of pussies we are! This Country I exist in is so concerned with all the shit that means nothing---this is why we are in the state we are in).

Even baseball should not be paid attention to. Or movies. Or new TV shows. All this stuff branded as entertainment is simply shit-- created and based on fear at some level or another by un-evolved people for the un-evolved masses.

I really believe this. I have no room in my life for negative, un-evolved crap anymore. And this is good. This is me--- evolving. I only have room in my life for all that is based on love. My work is based on giving love. My sexual relationship with my writer friend is based on love (for a while I thought this was not possible; that a relationship based on sex would be just that----a relationship based on sex---yet this is not the case----it has evolved into an act of love through sex! It is the ultimate expression of love! Why do you think God made it so enjoyable?). :)

A little bit about my writer friend: She is sweet, giving, funny, smart, and full of love. Sure she has personal issues, mostly shit from the past---a bad 10 year marriage, a dad that didn't love her---but who doesn't have past data that comes back to haunt us? Here's our thing: We make a plan to meet about 2 times a week. I enter her home, and enter her, for a good three hours usually, and it feels like the first time--every time!!! It's amazing. And I don't need the baseball mantra to keep me from cumming too early! The act of love we engage in is mysterious, transforming, sweet, hot as hell, and true. There's no other way to describe it. It's Love Truth. It's giving---the ultimate act of love---and then the love is returned and received instantaneously through the sex act itself. Beautiful it is. And there are no rules. No "we can't see other people" demands (she has sort of initiated a "don't ask, don't tell policy"). There are no dates--- no movies, dinner, walks on the beach. We just fuck!!!

However, our interest in each other as evolving creatures is, well, er---evolving. We talk about our professions, movies (we both love the old Mitchum-esque Film Noir films) and she is going on a trip soon to research a new book, and I may go along, to be there for her in the hotel room so we can do our thing when she is not working. It's basically the most interesting relationship I have ever been engaged in. I love it.

So, I'm gonna turn off the baseball game, do a trail run before work, and send my writer friend a cock pick on her phone. She loves that.

Peace

Kevin

Ego Tries To Rule The Day

2011-10-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

A beautiful day in Paradisadena. The sky is blue. The mountains can be seen clearly from the window of my treehouse; no smog blurs their beautiful peaks. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. It's 7:45 am on a sweet October morning. It's quiet. My soul is quiet. My heart beats slowly. Only my mind tries to change the reality. I catch it now, every time it tries to ruin a moment. Why does the mind do this? Why does it incessantly want to worry about this that or the other? At least I am catching it in it's madness. It really tries hard to begin to fuck things up. It wants to put fear up front and center---fear of lack, fear of living, fear of being.

My mind wants to use it's past data to create an ego-filled day of dread and loathing. I shall not let it. In the past, as I arose from slumber, my thoughts would immediately take over---weighing out my options for the day, or better yet, what to do to avoid being taken advantage of, what to do to come out on top and not be exploited, what scams to use, what lies to create so nothing would be taken from me. Fear of money was always huge. My first thoughts would go to the amount of money in my checking account, what I was or was not going to make for the day, who was going to try to keep from making more money, what situation in my life today was going to keep me from abundance.

I still think like this sometimes. But at least I am aware of it, and aware of it for what it truly is---just my ego, my pain-body, attempting to rule the day, instead of being conscious, alive, happy, and grateful.

Well be damned ego. No, not be damned, I accept that you are there, but I am aware of you.

I will not fear today. I will not think about money. I will not think I made a bad decision to go back to school because it costs too much. I will not fear if C-Bone will have another breakdown like he did this past Friday, keeping me at his home most of the weekend. I am a non-reactor these days. I am a liver of life. I do not fear.

I choose to be.

Already, while preparing coffee, my thoughts went right to money. What bill I would have to pay tonight. What might be changing with my hours. What if I made a mistake taking this Counseling Master's thang. What if I am no good at what I do. I lost my patience with C-Bone a few times this past weekend. Maybe I'm not cut out for this working with special needs kids. Now I'm tied into school and I can't just run free and move to Alaska. Amazing where the pain-body takes the mind; on a whirlwind spin of all the madness in one's head, like a horror movie that doesn't exist playing over and over and over again.

My life is pretty damn good.

I am waking up. I am healthy. I am having sweet sex with a sexy writer. I have a gig where I get paid well and get to help others. I am getting a Master's Degree. I am grateful. Grateful for the ability to realize all these things that are good for me and those which are not so good for me. Grateful for it all.

Being grateful at the beginning of a day can put a whole different perspective on it. I know this now. I'm gonna keep trying that approach to wakefulness.

Grateful for love.

Grateful for awareness.

Now shut the fuck up mind!

Peace

Kevin

Back to University (as they say in Europe)

2011-10-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

Got the iPod attached to the laptop, Blackberry on the couch abutting my butt, television on with college football games on 5 channels and baseball playoffs on 2 channels, my nose is stuffed, and I haven't slept in two days. Life is busy.

C-Bone is illin'! Sinus infection. I spent the last 30 hours at his home, keeping him from hitting himself. This behavior therapy can be tiring. I feel more like a referee or a bouncer, or aide at a mental institution---one minute away from strappin' the kid down and injecting him with a drug that will send him to the land of vegetables.

I am so tired that I'm wide awake.

But I am excited about life. On Thursday I signed my life away to getting a Masters. I am psyched. It's going to be a great ride---being back in school, studying, writing papers, learning about the intricate world of psychology---which I love.

I look forward to being a counselor/clinician. When I'm a licensed LMFT I'll be able to work anywhere. Maybe I'll bounce around the Country for a few years, helping kids in various States. Will keep the wanderer in me alive, and I'll be helping kids.

Too tired to write anymore.

Time to stare at a baseball or football game and get lost in the mindlessness of it......

Peace

Kevin

Allergic to Dying

2011-09-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Allergy season is destined to be the death of me. The Chinese Elm trees here in Pasadena have a personal vendetta to take me out!!!! And if the shit that falls from the trees doesn't kill me, then the Allegra D surely will.

This time last year I almost kicked the can, breathed my last breath, laid down my soul to the Universe. I was in Santa Monica, meeting some old buddies from Wilmington, NC at a bar on Santa Monica Blvd. I had to depart hastily to get to my truck and take a shot of my breather. I almost passed out due to the inability to do that thing we all need to do--breathe.

Today was a flashback---in style, yet luckily my consciousness took over and I psyched myself right out of the near death funk that got closer last year.

I was at the gym, on the elliptical, doin' my thang! The feeling of not being able to breathe came after just ten minutes of stepping and pulling. I started to panic, told myself to calm down, got off the machine, wiped it down, grabbed my keys and shades from a storage box, said goodbye to the cute ladies at the front desk and started my two-block walk home to get my breather. When I hit the bank parking lot a block from my apartment, I really began to panic, the breathing getting shorter and shorter. I started projecting---me asking my neighbors to take me to the hospital as I passed out. I looked to the San Gabriel Mountains for divine support; wishing the air in the hills to turn their westerly course south and breeze into the bank parking lot, filling my dying lungs with air.

As quickly as the panic came it abated. I said to my mind: this is not going to happen again! I am okay. Slow breaths. Slow breaths. My lungs opened. Divine intervention again! I love the Universe.

I wonder if last years attack was due to my beginning a regimen of Claritin D. Claritin D and Allegra D are only meant to be taken for 7 days to clear up the worst of allergy symptoms like constant congestion, runny nose and sneezing. The Allegra D worked for these symptoms. I was congestion free all morning since taking the pill, and felt good at the gym if a little light-headed. The instructions on the Allegra D box say stop using if you become nervous or dizzy. I think that stuff does that to me. I felt a little anxious all morning, thinking about work, and walking to the gym I was dizzy. I guess I'll have to live with the congestion---in lieu of dying.

I wonder if it's psychological. You can only buy this stuff from behind a pharmacy counter because it contains the ingredient used in making crystal methamphetamine. Maybe it affects the trace elements of some drugs I have done in the past. It could be what triggers the anxiety and increased heart rate and breathing issues. It's like I'm slightly high on crystal---like I took half a hit. Maybe I am allergic to the stuff.

I gotta train though. I have my 20k coming up at the end of October. Maybe I should try this Allegra D for 7 days and just lay off the workouts for a week. Won't kill me (though the drug might).

I am so in tune with my body these days, and that is why this is so discouraging. But I guess I should be grateful that all I suffer from is allergies, and I don't even think it rates on the "suffering" scale. It's really just an annoyance, and it does wane come the end of October when the Chinese Elm stops dropping it's hurtful funk.

Ahhhhh life, the Universe, peace, love, dog.......

Peace

Kevin

So Grateful For This Life

2011-09-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

My light is shining! It's glowing like a flash of lightning, piercing the souls I come into contact with on any given day. I, in turn, feel the light and love from the Universe, and it is sweet and soothing and real and light and true.

My life is a sweet ride, and for this I am grateful. Adventure awaits me every morning when I rise and look out my treehouse window, my congested sinus cavities fighting to clear themselves as I ponder the squirrels, birds and trees. I am grateful for this adventurous ride, and excited about all that comes since purchasing the ticket.

C-Bone is shining his light as well. He is now taking showers 4 or 5 days a week. This may sound like a "so what", yet, if you knew C-Bone and his life long fear of the shower, you too would know what an accomplishment this is for the big autistic wonder boy. Our relationship is blossoming into the sweetest of things---trust and love dominating daily moments.

I've got love in my relationship with a sweet, smart, sexy writer lady (that is as nut's about sex as I am). My ex, K, loves me, and has told me so, even while newly engaged to her ex-husband (there's a TV drama waiting to be filmed or written).

Besides my allergies, my health is soaring to new heights of wellness. Sobriety has a lot to do with this, as well as the light energy that is being beamed into my life. I run faster, lift heavier weights, and I am in better shape now, at 47, then when I was in my 20's! I feel a little indestructible. It be very cool! For this I am very grateful.

Excited about going back to school. I see a future as a counselor, helping kids realize who they are and all they are capable of in this life. I like that a Master's and an MFT License will give me the opportunity to work anywhere. The possibility of moving to another State is always an adventurous option. I can see myself in Oregon, North Carolina, Washington, San Francisco here in CA, Eureka here in CA, Montana, Texas...

I see a lot---all positive projection of what could be while staying in "what is." Being present in each moment of my day is really coming to fruition. It's a challenge---but I'm getting it.

I have freedom. Freedom to be me, to explore all I desire out of this life.

Exciting times these are.

Peace

Kevin

Love The Universe

2011-09-24T18:09:00.001-07:00

The Universe is amazing. Knowing one is connected to the Universe is amazing. Life is amazing.

Turns out we do create our realities, and we start with this creation through thought. Thoughts can create.

Recently I discovered that my work hours were to be cut in half beginning in October. When I discovered this wallop to the wallet I did not react. I stayed in the "is-ness" of the moment. I accepted what was. I remained Present. I stayed in the moment.

I decided not to react through my thoughts, based on the evolution of my conscious state. I really feel that!! I decided that it is what it is, that all is good, this too shall pass, life will move on, no one is dying etc, etc.

During the next week I projected with my thoughts. I looked at what was: Me and C-Bone having an amazing therapeutic relationship and friendship; and due to this budding relationship, we were both growing, learning and being the grandest version of ourselves. I continued to think that all would work out, and that maybe even C-Bone's Mom would see that we have a good thing and that it shouldn't be altered even though she had a sudden desire for diversity and flexibility for her son by hiring some new therapists.

Last Monday I discovered that things were not going to work out with the new therapist, and C-Bone's Mom expressed to her housekeeper that she felt "the Universe was telling her something by this new guy not working out." HAH!!!!!

The Universe does provide.

I have not been told verbally that I am not in danger of losing my hours, but I am pretty sure all is moving along in my favor, and if it still appears down the road that my hours will be cut, well, then it will be the right time for such a change, and I will embrace it once again as "what is." This stuff really works. I have no fear.

I am excited about starting my Master's in Counseling program. It's the start of something sweet, and shall be an amazing ride---of this I am sure---for I "think" it. I see it. I feel it.

It is.

I Am.

Peace

Kevin

Marriage (hah!) & Family (hah!) Therrapist (LMFT)

2011-09-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

Looks like Special Ed is going back to school---at 47 years old, just two months shy of 48!! Am I nuts? Is it worth my time and money? I like to think so. On the cusp of signing away two years of my life and 40,000 dollars to the University of Phoenix for a Master's in Counseling. It feels, deep within my true thought area---my soul, like the right thing to do. To learn. To learn to be a better love giver to others; to those that really need some extra loving: foster kids, behavior disorder kids, autistic kids, mental health patients. So, I guess if I really want to do this so I can continue my life's mission of being a light bringer, then I should just do it. It'll open up opportunities for some interesting jobs, even in this fickle economy. The world always needs teachers, grave diggers, and I guess therapists!

After I complete two years of school, and begin an internship, I will be working on my hours for a license as an MFT! Hah!!! Me a Marriage & Family Therapist! Who woulda thunk it???

"I am having trouble with my wife, she does this, that and the other, and doesn't do this that and the other, and the kids don't do this that and the other, and I need help! What can you do to help me dear therapist, Special Ed?"

My professional reply: "What the hell did you get married for?"

As you can see from the above scenario, I may be more geared to working with kids with emotional disturbance. I don't think any family trying to stay together and work on their mariage would benefit from me! But you never know. I just think it's funny that they call it Marriage & Family Therapist. Why not just "Life Therapist?" Maybe I'll start that movement myself in 2013 when I'm licensed.

I could be an Addiction Specialist therapist! Oh yeah---me and my life energy have flown the heavenly skies of addictive behavior for most of my life, and I'm a Prime USDA addictive personality---though somewhat able to keep it under control (thank you soul, universe, higher power).

I could be a Sex Therapist, for I am definitely a tried and true sex addict (with honors). At the moment, I am engaged in the sweetest of sexual relationships. We are like two sex-starved kids, spending 3 hours a shot, at least 2 times a week just tearing it up every which way but loose. No complaints, and it's nice to have a way to fully express this positive addiction. It's keeping me from straying all over town, flailing my cock around like a drunken sailor. Yes, dear future patients/clients---I have been known to peruse the neighborhood as a drunken sailor. It's all good though---fodder for the Psychiatric Journal of Medicine, and great experiential scenarios for my future seekers of therapeutic healing.

All else is good, even though my work hours have been cut in half, I shall not worry. This is an opportunity to thrive in a whole new way. Change is good. School will be good. Counseling will be good. Life ---is good.....

Peace

Kevin

BACK!!!!!!

2011-09-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

Man it's good to back! I deleted this blog a few months ago. I felt it was time for change, but there was so much history and growth and madness on this blog that I am so glad I was able to get it back.

My life is amazing, and I want to write about it warts (some genital---((kidding))) and all!!!!

I am excited about change in my life.

Long story short---my hours at my therapist gig have been cut in half. I am not reacting to this negatively. I am being in the "is-ness" of it!! Rather Buddhist of me wouldn't you say???

I am excited about change. I am excited about life. I am excited about writing some fun shit!!!!

Peace

Kevin

Just Read This--Makes Sense To Me-Too Caught Up in Me!

2011-07-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

How Others Can Deepen You

Jul 13, 2011

Insight from Michael Brown’s Alchemy of the Heart

It’s possible to make trying to grow as a person an end in itself, and then it becomes self-defeating.

It can actually become narcissism, to the point we are completely turned in on ourselves, which serves no one, isn’t enjoyable, and brings enjoyment to no one.

On page 7 of Alchemy of the Heart, Michael draws an analogy between cooked food and our development in terms of our personal integrity:

The cooked food must disappear completely into good conversation and required nutrition for it to fulfill its purpose.

We’re not here to be a world unto ourselves. The point of life is to become someone who can be totally ourselves, while profoundly connected to others.

As Michael puts it:

We are saturated with awareness of the magnificence of our humanity. We appreciate the gift of life. All our physical, mental, and emotional experiences now become a means to enter the sweet embrace of intimacy.

To become an authentic person, living from integrity, allows us to interact with others in a way that then deepens us even more. This is because, if we allow them to, all our interactions teach us about ourselves.

Again, Michael explains:

We enter the experience of intimacy when every encounter we pass through presents itself as a divinely guided opportunity to see deeper into ourselves.

People usually think of intimacy in terms of seeing into the other person. But this must be preceded by truly seeing into ourselves, as others reflect ourselves back to us.

Only to the degree we are truly real—authentic in every way—can we connect with others.

So there is a sense in which all of life becomes about our development. Yet it’s not in a narcissistic way, not “trying hard to grow.”

Just the opposite. It’s allowing life as it unfolds to deepen us, enabling us to be more and more real.

Only people who are real can connect meaningfully.

The Truth Hurts---But Does It Have To?

2011-07-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

I am truth!

It's true!

I can only be transparent from now on.

The truth hurts---they say. And I believe that now, for I am going to speak my truth at an AA meeting, finally deciding to get a sponsor and work the steps. For too long I have not truly embraced the fellowship, and the reason I did this is I truly could not "give it up." I was convinced I could do this alone. I now know that the only way I will stay sober is if I embrace a fellowship, and make this a "life commitment."

I am also going to be honest with the two girls I am currently sleeping with. I have not been totally upfront with them about who I am.

I am a bi-sexual alcoholic!

I also know how I can discover my truth. The fellowship. Being truth of the highest order about my alcoholism, and working on sobriety, and helping others is the key to my discovering who I really am. The books I am reading--Conversations With God, anything by Eckhart Tolle, the Big Book, and all the incredible truths coming to fruition by my keeping an open mind, and being love are all helping me on this path of conscious evolution. Yet this sexuality subject stands there like a brick wall, and I am atop it, unable to break it down to a simple stone, or get off the mortar fence.

I just wish to BE. I don't want to fear anymore.

The fear that all will disown me is real. Women will no longer want me. My family will shun me. I will be angry at myself for not being ME for this long.

I just want to be happy with who I am. No more fear. Am I doing the right thing?

I feel good. I feel alive. I am on the precipice of major change in my life---a sweet shift into true truth. I am love---I swear people---I have so much love to give---so much joy to BE!!!!

Breathing now. Being.

Peace

Love,

Kevin

Slow Computer, Fast Track to Adventure

2011-07-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

Crikeys my computer is slow. Or is it my wifi connection. Someone told me if my computer takes it's sweet ass time navigating the internet, then I need to upgrade my wifi. I only pay $24.95 a month, so maybe like everything else in this world, for things to work optimally, one has to pay top dollar (supposedly, in The New Earth, when we have ascended to the higher dimensions, there will be no worry of this evil called money, or lack thereof).

So much to report, so little time.

My life is changing in leaps and bounds. My perspective is changing. The Ultimate Truth about life is being revealed to me more and more everyday. It's amazing.

I am sober. I am Love. I am happy. I am excited about life. I am Being.

Being Presence has changed my life.

Knowing who I am has changed my life.

Being truth has me discovering my truth.

Just got back from Denver, Colorado. Had an amazing weekend of smoothness. It was sweet, exciting, healthy, beautiful, real.

I could live there again. I did in 1989 when I worked in Vail as a skiing videographer. I also lived in Boulder for 4 months when I traveled the Country in 19995. Just like California has a special place in my heart, so too does Colorado. It's a soul connection to a place that is undeniable. I guess I'm connected to beauty, because to me, California and Colorado are two of the most beautiful States I have ever seen. You can feel and see the Divine in these places.

I am still sensing change on the life situation front---the work front especially. Something good is happening.

C-Bone is rockin'!!! He is more full of love and light than I have ever seen before.

It's spreading it is---awareness, love, light. The world and it's inhabitants are "waking up." The ride is getting exciting!

Peace

Kevin

Thank You, Eckhart

2011-06-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Had a great meditation yesterday with my man, Eckhart Tolle! Amazing. That guy speaks to me. His message about Being Presence is the most profound yet simply understood message about how life works that I have ever come across. I still love my Conversations With God books, and blogs, and e-mails, yet Tolle and his thoughts on being and awareness resonate with my true being.

This wasn't a sit on the floor, cross my legs uncomfortably, mutter some "ummmmmmmm"s" and go into a meditative trance. Eckhart spoke for 40 minutes, mostly reiterating stuff from his great books, and it really affected me. I smiled, relaxed, even cried at one point. When true awareness about who we are comes to us, the soul celebrates, and my crying was a letting go of pain and excess crap that has been a part of my thinking for all too long. Too long have I not loved myself. Too long have I deemed myself not worthy of simply being joy. Well no mas, I say!!!

I am riding the life cycle and it feels good.

Living In The Moment. Being Presence. Not letting my thoughts rule my day. Being aware of my thoughts, and my ever present Ego as it tries to take the lead-be the alpha, and lose me in a haze of ego-driven thoughts. I can't live like that anymore.

I Am Love. It's that simple. I need only come from that in all I do, think and Be.

So thanks, Eckhart.

Sure, I'm about to go to work with C-Bone, and I have an underlying anxious feeling in my gut about doing so. I am struggilng with the fact that I have to work all 4th of July weekend with him. I am struggling with thoughts of wanting to no longer be doing this work. BUT---I am aware of my thoughts about it. I will not react. I will create, by being Presence, and by not letting my thoughts get the best of me. I can just BE, and know that this is just my present Life Situation, and it is not really important as far as the soul work I am doing in this life. It will, and does all come together through a sense of being aware.

I am happy and excited that I am waking up.

I went on a date yesterday, to a concert in a park, and dinner before that. I met someone new, got to know them a little more, got to know me a little more. I was Being---being Presence in the moment. I spent a Sunday night not thinking about Monday morning work. Not struggling with a projected anxiety about "what if." There is no "what if." There is only NOW. And knowing This can be and is very powerful.

Moments rule. May they keep on a comin'!!!

Peace

Kevin

Return of Joy

2011-06-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Major shift in consciousness yesterday. I was working with Lord C-Bone, triyng not to get too anxious after he had an anxiety attack of his own (Lord knows why---it is becoming increasingly apparent that the wild man thinks very differently from you and I). Well, here was my moment in a nut shell: I decided to start living.

I've been reading so much recently, this and that about evolving consciousness, being in the moment, being Presence, being Love; so much reading in fact that I haven't been living. I've been in constant entrapment by my mind. Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. What if. What if. What if.

So much thought that I have not been living---not being joy, not living the only way that I know how---to be the free spirit I am, being love, having fun, making every moment just that---a moment of Being.

I am grateful for this wake up; this shift has led me down a clearer path. I know what I want and who I want to be. No more people-pleasing, fear-based living; fearing everything from---"what will people think if I don't do this autism work anymore?" "How will I survive financially if I stop this work and segue to something I truly love?" "I will be a non- giving person if I stop helping autistic kids." Me. me. me. me. Time to stop the attention on me and what if.

Truly time to BE! I look back at the me that lived life fearlessly at one point in time. I did this without thinking about it because it was truly who I was. Somewhere along the way I lost touch with this person.

Well--I've found him again. And it feels good.

Viva La Living!!!

Peace

Kevin

Soul Reason For Evolving

2011-06-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's not about me and my personal search for happiness. I finally see the light on this one. I have always thought it was all about my personal search for inner peace, awareness, happiness, abundance, love. Now I know this: I have all that. It's time to be this Love for All; to help awaken others to these evolutionary changes that are a part of all of us. The Universe is changing, the collective consciousness expanding, and we as individual parts of the All can choose to evolve with the collective. I know this is my path now. I can't concentrate on anything else.

When I wake up before my alarm goes off, I am aware; aware of my path and evolving consciousness. I get a glimpse of what is important and my unlimited potential, and by the time I arise from my humble bed, I have forgotten. I make coffee and begin worrying. Will I have an anxious day? Will work be unbearable? Will money be taken from me? Just how much will I suffer today in this unforgiving world full of despair, loneliness and dysfunction? How much will my personal dysfunction grow?

WHY??

Why do I let IT ALL go so quickly? Why do I forget?? Yes, as the days moves on I have my moments of being, but I have trouble staying there. I get lost in ego, thought, fear.

I need to get off the Self Ship. I am too concerned with my personal salvation and not enough chimed in with The All.

It's going to take some truly being Presence to improve this dysfunction; to eventually wipe it out altogether as a default way of living.

I hear the message.

I have the tools.

There is so much I can do to obtain this true evolution of personal consciousness. It's my sole (soul) purpose in life right now. I know it.

Aaaaargh!!!

Peace

Kevin

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

Father's Day, so I've decided to write a bit about our true Pops---The Source, the Universe, God---however one chooses to name Him! Nothing against my biological Pops, but The Source, which I've recently become very close to, is the Pop of Pops----and he's not even a He! He is an All! But, for the sake of writing, I shall refer to him as He. After all, it is Father's Day.

He is my reason for Being! I know this, and this is All I need to know. This knowing deems all else unimportant. Nothing else matters. One day I will return to the Source, smiling wide, and excited for the next manifestation; the next adventure in Being. I wonder where it will be---another Universe, another galaxy? Will I be human again, or maybe a Galactic Being, or an evolved spirit of the highest realms, experiencing "is-ness" in an entirely new way. It's exciting to think about it. It deems so much thought about this life as unnecessary! Worry about bills, my job, my future. There is no reason to worry. All that matters is that I Be Love Now, in all I do, in all I think, in all I Am.

Change is happening, and I do not fret. My secure 27 dollar an hour gig may be going by the wayside soon---a couple months, maybe sooner. Yet a security I have never known before blankets my being right now. I still get those feelings of anxiety, but I instantly transmute them to Presence----and I simply BE. Nice to have the tools to do this. I am blessed to have obtained them.

I still fall back in my thoughts. I wonder why my ex doesn't want me, why she wants to go back to her ex-husband instead of the evolving me. Then I realize that is my ego taking over my thinking, and I transmute that; I let it go and, yep, that's right---BE. I spent Saturday morning on an on-line arranged date. She is sweet. Soon I realize I chose her to replace the ex that does not want me. They look alike, and I soon realize this while gnawing on a chocolate chip scone and imagining her naked, riding me on my couch, wanting me, needing me, lusting me. The ego is a strong thought thief. He likes to be in control, tell me how it all is, but I've got his number this time. I let the ego go, and yep, I transmute it to being. I need no one. I need just Be. I have my Father---the Source. Jesus, a Master of this understanding of Being, had it right---"thou shalt not want" makes a lot of sense to me now. Only the ego wants.

I do need some fellowship though. Some others of like mind to talk with, Be with, share adventures in living with. It's up to me to get that going---when it's time.

My life situation is changing. I am going to be working with dogs. In that---I Am Love.

It's going to get interesting. It is getting interesting. It's always been interesting.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!!! All of ya....

Peace

Kevin

Change is Manifesting

2011-06-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Looks like change is in the making. I am going about it the correct way this time---with love in my heart, and only a desire to keep evolving on a consciousness level.

I informed C-Bone's parents that I am thinking of moving on in 2 to 3 months. It was a sweet conversation, and I believe it let some anxiety about the position I was in release. Of course now I have let in new anxiety---that of potential for failure, lack of money, health insurance, and basic security. But when I truly LOOK at it, it is only due to my own personal projection about a future that doesn't exist. My default reaction is to set myself up for failure, and this I have to let go of. This is life. My past has led me to react this way to change, and it's due time I end that old way of thinking and reacting.

I am not what I do. I am love.

I have not been in Joy with this position for some time now, especially feeling there is something else I should be doing. I am going to let the process of life be what it is. I am going to look at this change as an adventure in living. It truly is time to follow the words on the cover of the book I am reading: When Everything Changes, Change Everything.

It feels right; for me and for C-Bone. I have lost my zest for working with him. I'm not sure what it is I will do next, but I trust that the process of living, and evolving, will simply land me where I need to be.

I have to rid myself of anxiety over this decision. I know this is key to my continued mental and physical health. Trust the process, Kevin!!! Believe it like you never have before!! Be Presence. Be Awareness. Be Love. All else will manifest from being these three things---I know it!!!

Breathing.....

Peace

Kevin

When Everything Changes, Change Everything

2011-06-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Chaos in the head. But I am functionally chaotic. I am walking through the chaotic fog with a high-wattage flash light, an open heart, and an aware/higher consciousness.

Is it a test? Is there really no chaos at all and it is just created by ME? I'm thinking the latter is true. How about i throw all that seems to be perplexing me out on the blogosphere table:

I am struggling with my job. I feel pressure in my chest when I think of continuing this work. It's starting to rile me and make me question my abilities to continue to help kids with autism. Yet somehow I think what I am doing work-wise is connected to my personal evolution; my working toward elevated consciousness. Maybe I have simply been around autism too much. C-Bone's parents have been in Italy and I've been embedded in his home for almost two weeks and working lots of extra hours; rising early in the morning to gauge how the big guy is doing. It's been a rocky road as of late with his recent root canal and usual anxiety about life in general that most with autism possess. I feel anxious too, unsure, fearful, and angst ridden. I struggle too with my relationship with his family. His Mom has been overwhelming. So concerned has she been about C-Bone's welfare that she has been right on top of him, and those that work with him, all too much. Her energy has been constantly negative and it undermines our abilities as therapists. Some of it I am sure is simply my ego reacting to her energy, but I'm not so sure. I don't mean to send blame, it just is what it is. She is aware of it, and maybe her two week vacation away will put her back in a more positive place when she returns. In short, being so close to a family dynamic in one's job can be tough in a number of ways; one can get too close and boundaries can be fickle. It becomes tough to leave the job when you "leave" the job for the day.

I am lonely. I need to embrace a fellowship, allow some friends into my life. Instead of allowing myself to do this I have jumped on the instant sex-relationship bandwagon with another, and this is not the path I need to be on right now. I am in the middle of something BIG. I can feel it in my being, and I need to add to my life, in a personal way, the title of the book I just received in the mail from the Conversations With God author: When Everything Changes, Change Everything. I am finding myself sliding into an old relationship paradigm that I know doesn't work for who I want to be. I want to explore fellowship through AA, meet people on the Fitness Singles sight I signed up for and find people to trail run with, do coffee, and get to know; socialize with people of a like-mind and with similar interests. This new little fling has been fun, but I know where it has the potential of going, and I don't think I need that right now.

I need to be sober. I know this in my heart of hearts. Only through being truly alcohol free can I evolve to a higher level of consciousness. I know this. Yet I flounder, and slide back to old comfort zones, forgetting about who I really want to be and not be.

I am still fearful of money, and a lack of it, even when I have no problem with it. I actually have abundance (do have some Credit Card debt I'd like to see disappear). I have all I need---I really do---and then some. It's just so hard to move on from the old ways of thinking sometimes. I have spent the majority of my growing years believing I will never have enough, that I will constantly be a have-not. In reality I am a success. So why can't I fully embrace it? Why do I think the next job, or going back to school, or the move to another State will bring the abundance I am seeking? Why do I feel I need to seek it? Why can't I fully believe that I already have it?

I desire love. I want to give love to another---truthful, open, pure, unconditional love. I know inherently that I need to only BE this and then I will have it. Yet I struggle here too. I still love and BE and DO with "condition," even if it is partly unconscious. Presence is the key here. Being Present, and Aware will lead to the giving of love, which is ALL I AM, unconditionally. I know this to be a Universal Truth, so it's time to embrace it fully. I have love. I also need to be open to it, to see it as it looks back at me, and not push it away out of fear.

I take a deep breath. I glance to my right and see the cloud-specked blue skies over the San Gabriel Mountains. I hear the birds singing and talking. The trees breathe in the CO2, convert it---transmute it to the air that I breathe. The breath comes out of me. The action comes from me. I transmute the air given me into love, being, essence. It's all I need do in every moment. Pure BEING.

I try.

Peace

Kevin

Accepting The Truth

2011-06-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Man me and alcohol are gonna fight!!! We have been fighting for eons, and alcohol usually wins.

Acceptance. I have had my share of problems with this--problems created by my not accepting that I can't drink like a normal person; my genetic make-up is such that alcohol triggers specific parts of my brain and all rational, sober-sense leaves my being.

Why do I fight this personal reality? Why do I keep believing I can make alcohol a non-issue in my life? The fight is over. Alcohol---you win, but it's only a temporary victory, for in the real scheme of things---I WIN! I have let you go, like an unhealthy relationship that needs to be moved on from, I humbly pack my bags and head to the sweet, soulful land of sobriety.

Life is so worth living. The changes in me that occurred these past seven months when I was sober were truly nothing short of amazing. I know my life can continue to be amazing.

I am aware. I am an alcoholic. I accept.

Peace

Kevin

Where the heck did I go????

2011-05-30T16:24:00.001-07:00

C-Bone just let out a bellowing laugh as I logged on to blogger. He is more than likely mocking me, and more specifically, my thinking I will write anything of substance. He is an aware guy---the little motherfucker! He just laughed again after I typed motherfucker!

I have not written in quite some time. A lot has happened since my last blog. I have:

Lost sobriety
Gained it back
Lost Sobriety
Gained it back

I hope I need not write this repeating limerick anymore. I want to be a sober guy. Prior to falling off the wagon, the seven months of sobriety were nothing short of absolutely amazing. I grew in leaps and bounds. Consciousness rose. Awareness grew every day. Presence was an actual state of being. My body changed. My soul celebrated. The Universe was hooking me up with "life!!"

I want this again. And I know I have to give to get. This is the one Universal truth I now understand fully. I cannot have peace, unconditional love, joy, and Presence, unless I give and be these things. So simple. So truthful. So real. I am glad I am back in this place of understanding. It's amazing how quickly I fell back and let go of all this great stuff. Being human is tough sometimes, but we are equally lucky to be a part of the divine, and we will always find our way back to who we really are---love (pure and simple).

As I said, so much had happened in the past seven months, and it was absolutely amazing.

I am back in AA (truly embracing it this time---it's the only way it will work--by Being and Giving). I am being in the moment, forgiving myself, not beating myself up, taking what I can from this experience and moving on.

Let the adventure ride continue....

Peace

Kevin

Animals Aware!

2011-04-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

Synchronicity in life is amazing, especially when it happens due to being in the Now.

Since reading, Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now," my life has truly been altered, and I have transformed into a being of a higher consciousness. It's there. The proof is in the pudding. It works: being Presence, not thinking about the past or projecting a future; being in the now, and being aware of being in the now, and observing and watching your mind and ego as they try like conniving team members of a sinister cult to take over your mind, body and soul. They can't live without you, and simply being presence keeps the ego and constant thinking at bay. You can honor them, accept them, and know they are there, but you no longer have to abide by their rules (Tolle sometimes writes that Presence abides---I love that---reminds me of The Dude, Jeff Bridges' character in "The Big Lebowski": THE DUDE ABIDES, he would say).

Okay, back to that synchronicity. Last night was amazing!! A simple decision to go to a book reading at Vroman's Boookstore in Pasadena just changed my life and added a spark of excitement and pending adventure. Between the hours of 7:00 and 8:30, I became a student of writing, an independent contractor for a writers' kid with autism, and was lauded by a veterinarian for my question during the Q & A.

The book signing and reading was for a book about writers that had lost a pet. 21 writers, some very established ones like Carolyn See and Thomas McGuane, writing about their experience with loss of their furry friends and companions. I almost cried a few times during the author readings. The first speaker was an ex-attorney, who had quit her lawyer-ing ways to be a full time writer. As she signed my book copy after the reading, I remarked on how brave she was for taking such an adventurous step; I could feel the energy of her strength pouring into me and silently letting me know that I could do this as well---dedicate my work life to writing, and stop doing anything I no longer't wished "to do" (not that I would stop working with autistic kids, or animals--two of my callings).

The second speaker read from her short story about her high functioning autistic son that had saved his family's decrepit 16-year old dog after the cocker spaniel slipped into the deep end of the family's backyard pool. Making spur of the moment decisions are not on the top of the"to-do" list for most kids with autism, yet this little 14 year old tossed the Met hat from his head (love that he's a Met fan) and belly flopped into the pool to retrieve the drowning pooch from the dark blue depths of a sure death by drowning. When the author of this story signed my book she asked if I still worked in film (this came up during the Q & A---shall explain soon). I said no, and mentioned that I worked as a behavior therapist for kids with autism. She will be e-mailing me soon so I can make future plans to work with her son.

I don't like to speak up in public gatherings very often. I prefer to listen and be a fly on the wall. However, this talk being of my beloved animals I couldn't hold back. I had a sweet question I wanted to ask. Eckhart Tolle had mentioned in a particular chapter of my now favorite book ever, that animals, due to their heightened awareness, and their ability to be in the Now, accept death with grace, unlike us humans. I believe this. I've seen it grace the muzzles of many a canine and feline when I worked in an animal hospital during college and assisted in a number of euthanasia's. I saw it on the face of the gazelle as it's jugular was pierced by the sharp incisors of a hunting cheetah in the movie, "African Cats" which I saw last week.

I asked: Do you as animal experts and lovers believe that because of their heightened awareness, that when animals are dying, they intuitively know that they are part of a greater picture; they know they are returning to the source of All That Is; that this is the Universe's plan, and that they are therefore at peace? (Within this question I mentioned my earlier life interest in being a vet, yet was abandoned due to a lack of skills in math and science, so I studied film instead---this comment produced a laugh).

The veterinarian/writer lit up and answered in a very intelligent, and scientific way. But then he went on about the supernatural and it was amazing to hear a man of science speak like he was quoting Eckhart Tolle's spiritual writings. Awesome!

Next, and last to speak was the editor, a matronly woman with a terrific speaking voice, a firm wit, and an unruly mop of white hair. Turns out she teaches writing at UCLA Extension, and has a writer retreat's in Montana. Here is where synchronicity reared it's beautiful head. I knew, while talking with this woman that I would be attending her class. She spoke of my interesting question. We talked about writing. She said, without me prompting or hinting at taking her course: "Well, Kevin, I look forward to seeing you in my class."

I am going to take an intensive writing class. AND, in the near future, I shall attend a retreat in Montana (which I have always wanted to see---trail running!!!).

I walked out of the bookstore with my signed copy of "Cherished" with a grin that stretched from here to Big Sky!

This weekend I shall do the research to sign up for the writing class. A mother with an autistic child will be calling me soon to talk about working with him. My love for animals is heightened. My reason for being in this life, well, at least the stuff I should be doing in my "life situation" has been revealed to me yet again: I work with animals. I work with kids with autism. I write.....

I am a writer!!!!

I am here! In the Now. I am Presence.

The Dude Abides!

Peace

Kevin

Zen And The Art of Mind Maintenence

2011-04-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am sober. I have been sober for over 200 straight days. I did drink on my 196th day of sobriety, and my 198th. So I guess I am no longer sober---but I am. Confused? Me too! I am struggling a bit with sobriety, and as a fellow sober relation has told me as of late, if I don't engage myself in the fellowship of others who wish to stay sober, if I don't work the steps and communicate openly and honestly with others in the fellowship, then there is a good chance I will slide back into old behaviors---the main one being drinking as a solution. However, I didn't have a drink on that Saturday night, my 196th day of sobriety because I wanted a solution to something. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to go out to a restaurant, have a beer and/or a glass of wine with a nice meal and leave it at that. I did that. I didn't get drunk. I didn't desire more drinking. Two days later after a great trail run and work out, I showered, shaved, went to dinner with a friend, dropped her off, and then on the way home I wanted to watch a baseball game, so I stopped into the same restaurant that I lost my sobriety in two days earlier. I nursed a beer and flirted with the bartender that I had flirted with the first night (and had flirted with me). I had that one beer and went home, content, healthy, not desiring more alcohol.

BUT---that little voice behind the voice spoke to me clearly---and he said: "you know, eventually you will justify more drinking, then you will justify one drunken night, then you will justify a party weekend, then some cocaine, then some wanton sex fueled by alcohol and drugs, and then you'll hop back on the sobriety bus for another go around, ad infinitum, like you have been doing most of your adult life.

Hence my quandary.

I want to be normal. No---wrong choice of words---for sober people are normal. I want to be a normal drinker. I want to be a social drinker. I want to be able to go out with friends and have a few drinks and NOT get drunk. I want to share a bottle of wine with my next door neighbors that ask me to come over and share a bottle on a regular basis. I want to jump out of a plane and then have a few beers with my fellow jumpers and instructors, all re-hashing the days sweet leap from a perfectly good airplane.

BUT

I also WANT to be sober and accepting of the fact that it is best for me to be sober.

The past seven months have been amazing. I have been walking on air. I have been light and love and peace and adventure. I am in the best shape of my life---mentally and physically. I have more money readily available than I have had in years---and I'm not making anymore extra that I know of.

I have been sober for 209 days if I didn't count those two slides.

So what do I do?

Can I ever be a normal drinker? Part of me thinks I can.

I have become aware as of late. I am more conscious than I have ever been; evolution is happening and it is exciting, and I don't want to put a crimp in the momentum, and I know being completely sober will keep me on this path of amazing growth.

Sittin' on the fence.

Damn I do that a lot. My cousin was right when he spoke of my affinity for not committing to things. I accept that about me, it is part of who I am. However, I would like to be more committed, grounded, accepting, truthful, loving, and sure of my mind and decisions. I know I have the potential to be all this and more. I still question so much. I flip-flop more than most politicians, and I have no political agenda. I can't decide who I want to be with in a relationship. I can't decide if I'm straight, gay or bisexual. I can't decide whether to stick with my current job or try something else. I can't decide whether to start on-line schooling for my Master's or try to GO to a school. I can't decide if I even WANT to go back to school.

I feel so grounded in my life recently---yet I am still deep within my mind---not the inner mind---but the ego; the egoic-mind that has me doing all manner of things and making decisions based upon what I think others will think, and I know I have to GET OUT of this way of thinking. I am getting there---but I need to BE there. It's happening, but there is still falling back into uncertainty.

I am being n the NOW more than ever before. This is what matters. I need to simply be Presence in every moment. For then there is nothing wrong. There is only the moment.

My new understanding of life has put me on an amazing path full of adventure in the NOW. And it is here I wish to stay.

Peace

Kevin

Skydive San Diego

2011-04-16T18:08:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhhhhh San Diego!

I like this Southern California city. Reminds me of a line from the movie, "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (underrated very funny flick):

"San Diego," says Will Ferrel to Christina Applegate, "means 'whale vagina" in Spanish."
"Isn't it Saint Diego?" asks Christina.
"No, no, no." exclaims Will. "It's whale vagina."

Classic. I think of a whale's vagina as I see the "Entering San Diego" sign off Interstate 180 as it connects with Route 163 and glides directly into the compact downtown area and the Gaslamp District where I reserved a hotel room to spend a Saturday night before I travel a bit northwest in the morning to skydive just adjacent to the magnificent Pacific Ocean.

I get to fly again. Fly away in the deep blue sky. I do like to fall through the sky. There is no feeling like it.

There is also no feeling in the world like knowing I am vibrantly alive, in the here and now, and ready to ride this adventure ride called life.

I had a bit of a setback last night. My man C-Bone had quite the psychological breakdown. This happens on occasion with those on the autism spectrum. It drains me psychologically as well, and takes me out of the here and now. As he flails at his temples with his clenched fists, and screams like a peacock in it's death throes, I do all I can to assist the poor un-raveled guy. I talk to him without reacting. I let his fists hit me. I help him change his shirt ten times and assist him in adjusting his arm bands and rubber balls that give him the sensory support he so needs to feel safe within his own being. But, after an hour or so of this, I start to unravel. I feel like Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. I want to avoid and leave this dire situation.

Seven months ago I would have left C-Bone's home a few hours after this draining episode, and I would have ventured out to a pub for a few beers and shots of tequila, tell some lies, try to get in someone's pants, hope for some drugs, and then feel like total shit the next day after this escape into unconsciousness.

Lucky for me I am no longer unconscious.

I went home last night. I talked to a sweet soul on the phone, and I eased into the latter part of the evening, post manic C-Bone episode and laid on my couch, taking in the dry, warm night air. I thought about how grateful I was that I am who I am right now. I felt blessed, happy, excited, and alive, and truly in the moment. I laid down on my cozy mattress in my cozy treehouse and slept sweetly, arising early to greet a sweet skydive eve Saturday.

Now I shall go take a run on a pleasant San Diego trail. Then go to a nice restaurant for dinner, maybe talk to a few strangers, and I'll be grateful that I will need to tell no lies, and drink till I get drunk so the lies come quicker and get more interesting; I won't desire drugs and wanton sex, and I therefore won't have to take an exhilarating leap from a plane tomorrow feeling like gobbley-hook! I'll be wide-awake and high on the sky, and I'll take that leap, and soar over the earth and ocean, and I will be smiling silently, knowing I am part of it all, and there is nothing to fear, and nothing I need do but BE!

Back in Blah Dickety

2011-04-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes this spiritual growth leads to growing pains.

I can have the sweetest of days and the next one takes a 180 and I find myself questioning everything and everyone---myself included.

Why can't I let go of the hurt? Why am I having such difficulty getting out of my egoic mind? Why can't I simply BE? I have been working so damn hard on being here and now. I have been reading meditatively every morning, and practicing what I read all day long. At times I really seem to get IT! Then I am lost in my all too thinking mind, questioning, resenting. I feel urges to escape into the old ways. I used to be good at escaping. Unfortunately I have found myself, and I can't hide from what it is I know I need to Be and Do in this life, yet damn if I don't want to just shirk thevresponsibility sometimes; throw my own personal evolution to chance and just hunker down and get unconscious.

Why not?

Why did I have to awaken? Why can't I just happily live in ignorance in this three dimensional illusion and have unadulterated sex with everyone, drink booze, snort cocaine, and travel the world writing about my drunken exploits? Shit that sounds like fun.

However, the past seven months of my life have been an amazing adventure in sobriety, wakefulness, joy, inner peace, and love.

So why am I ready to throw it all to the wind and just start escaping? Why do I want to choose to not be so damn awake?

Big question.

Maybe I'll have the answer tomorrow. Maybe I have the answer right now.

Peace

Kevin

Awareness Wins/Ego Loses

2011-03-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

This too shall pass. Everything shall pass. It's all fleeting---everything---except for the divine, the All, God, the Collective Soul that is the Universe. I am amazed by this concept. If one lives knowing this, then nothing matters except being who we are in every moment. And who are we? We are the Divine, albeit a piece of it. How cool.

When I found myself getting into the heat of battle with C-Bone's Mom, I stopped myself before I reacted. I remembered---this too shall pass. There was suddenly no drama. My ego was walloped---it lost and all that was left was pure essence---better known as me. The energy of drama was thwarted in it's conniving tracks. I didn't let it in. I let go. Letting go feels good. I am learning to let go in a number of ways. I am letting go of past relationships, my ego, fear, my past, my future, my illusory thoughts, my desires for validation, my anger; all the crap that keeps me from being who I really am. It's awesome.

I am learning to say no and not feel guilty for doing so. I am allowed to shed that does no longer work for who I want to be. Everyday I am more at peace with who I am. It's all I can be. I can only be me in every given moment. There is no longer the fearful me that slid onto the comfortable confines of a sturdy barstool, content to attempt to bury the days woes, thoughts, lies, and fears in a half dozen beers and some tequila. That guy that manipulated others to get what he wants has exited the building with Elvis and my ego walking ahead of me, the latter no longer a part of the atoms and molecules that make up my body and the thoughts that live in my being. There is no more looking back for the historical perspective, the "what" do I usually do during this drama to feed the ego and satiate the fear. I walk through it all. I do not resist, I cannot resist, for what I resist persists, and what I look at disappears.

I still get those pangs of fear when I think something is happening that may go against the grain of what I think I need to be me. I still jerk off too much. I still desire crazy ass sex and carnal knowledge of all kinds, but I don't let the thoughts fester, or define me. I embrace them, see them for the trivial things they are and I evolve. I grow, and laugh at the dense strata that lingers and hangs like dead intestine in the recesses of my ego-driven brain. My awareness wins out; the voice behind the voice spews forth and bitch slaps the infested ganglia, forcing it back into submission.

I live life differently now. I know who I am---and I'm just beginning to like it.

Peace

Kevin

Daily doings and dobblegook!

2011-03-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

The Light emanates from me more than ever before. I feel it everywhere--- my heart, my loins, my aching knees and feet! Hurt so good baby! I am no longer a keeper of the light---oh no---I need to spread the sexy rays everywhere---penetrate formerly impenetrable orifices, blanket once strongly shielded psyches with love. Ooooooooooh yeah!

All I need now is another soul to share this sweet madness with! You see, this Lightworker gig can be very much a freelance, solo gig--- not much room for teamwork. But I want to share the amazingness of it with the world. I want to travel like a wandering, nomadic minstrel show of one---putting on theatrical one-man shows that reveal the truth of this amazing life transformation. Sure, a few I believe are benefitting from my new found awareness and higher consciousness---there's C-Bone, my sweet autistic bud ( a Lightworker as well in his own special way), various canines, a few cats, and other natural beings--- but something's lacking. Maybe a true connected soul to share the moments with or maybe I just need to harbor another vehicle in which to communicate all this good stuff---maybe this blog, maybe a book, maybe the minstrel show!

Time is moving along enormously fast! It's huge in it's awe-inducing speed, so there's no time to waste in getting this message out. Every day, week, and month fly by so quickly that I sometimes forget what day it is, how old I am, and what my lesson is to be learned and simultaneously taught.

The messages come from every direction; this waking up process is mirrored in everything---movies, books, a strangers smile, a dogs eyes, an insect on a the leaf of an equally curious plant, the stars, the vast sky, the clouds, television, and my thoughts!

It's all beautifully amazing, and I so am enjoying the ride.

More to come.

Gotta go shed some light on life!

Peace

Kevin

The Autistic Wonder Soul

2011-03-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

My name is C-Bone! Remember me? I'm that dude with autism. Today I needed to let you all in on a little secret: I chose this path, you see---this ride on the autism train that professionals call Autism Spectrum Disorder. So fancy a name. Professionals need to lighten up. Yes, I chose this life, and you know how I know that to be true? Well I'll tell ya a little story about Life that we blessed with autism know all too well. We are in charge. We are aware.

I'll try to simplify.......

I have lived many lifetimes, in many different incarnations. I am but an individuation of The All. A piece of the Soul. Most people think they have individual souls and that's that. But I know differently. If you could see The All, The Source, The Alpha and The Omega---you would see that one giant soul encompasses it All! We, as individual pieces of this Whole, choose our incarnations, and we then break away from The All. We then incarnate, and lo and behold---we forget where we came from. We forget that we are contractually obligated to live out this incarnation, warts and all, to learn, and most importantly---to remember who we are. Not to remember that I am C-Bone the autistic wonder, but that that I am part of the All---a divine piece of the Source, forever connected to everything and everyone. This is what we are all to remember through a little thing known as Evolution! It's exciting when awareness shows up and reveals these little ditties.

I chose to experience this incarnation as a person with autism, and it has been anything but a disability. I have experienced the most wondrous things. I have watched my soul evolve, and I've been an active participant. Kevin, who works with me---he is waking up. It took him a while to remember---but he's getting it. I don't talk to him. I have never spoken a word in this entire lifetime of mine, but when Kevin talks to me and makes observations, I let him know when he is on the right track. I dig watching him remember....

He remembers that we have been two souls that have traveled together in a number of incarnations. We've been brothers, he's been autistic (I wouldn't doubt that he is still a little "special"), and in a few other realms we have been beings of a higher consciousness. All exciting times, for we did remember---we did awaken before the end of each incarnation.

These times are of sweet significance. Tell me you don't sense the light penetrating your awareness these days! A Grand shift in collective consciousness is happening right now, and it's awesome that so many are waking up, and will be prepared for the changes that will soon blossom in this realm. C'mon---you know you're feeling something when you listen to that voice in your mind, and I mean the voice behind the voice, the voice that is aware of awareness, and the supersedes the voice of the ego, and the part of us that is caught up in the illusion, the place not of light that keeps us from remembering who we are.

I realize this is a lot of information to spew out there, so I'm gonna cut it off here for now. I just wanted to lay out a kicker---an idea---food for thought! Speaking of food, I believe Kevin is cooking me up something good right now.

Peace

C-Bone

The Awareness Ride

2011-03-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

My life is spiraling into control. I am going utterly and completely sane! I am into my mind, yet aware that I need to be out of my mind. Awareness has arrived. Evolution is moving rapidly; a higher consciousness is being created, and it's the wildest ride of my life.

I'm not sure when things started to click, when I began to see things differently for the very first time in my life. I can never think the old way again. I can never revert to old behaviors; reacting and lying to my own mind, trying to satiate an ego that was running out of control, high on itself and forever needing, wanting, desiring more and more and more.

Everything is different. I am different. I am Light. I am Love. I am Truth. I am aware.

These are nothing short of the most exciting times in my 47 years of living on this planet, and I reckon the excitement ain't waning anytime soon. Everyday brings more light, messages, awareness, dreams coming true before my eyes, truth revealing itself; the curtain of the illusion is ripped away and it's all right in front of me.

Many things have gotten me to this place. It was the right time. It's a divine thing---and that be quite cool. I know who I am. I know why I am here! I know what I need to do. Some books have helped me, but mostly it has been living with my eyes wide shut. I go in---I find---I do accordingly, and it all makes wonderful sense.

So much adventure. So little time.

I need to record this evolutionary process, so I'm gonna write about this mad love from now on. I shall not preach. I shall not proselytize. I shall only set an example, and communicate the wonders that I now see on this ride called life.

Join me?

Peace

Kevin

Evolution: A New Perspective

2011-02-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm on line at the coffee shop, and I have my dick up this chick's ass. Or is it a chick? A dude? A tranny? Am I in a coffee shop, or another venue in an alternate universe?

I am co-existing---being---in the past, the present and the future. My soul is awake on all planes, laughing it's high pitched wail, elated and high, tripping on the simplicity of the illusion. I am me, I am the All, and am that which is not. And just "where is" my dick?

The giant soul that is the All---the Universe---God---it sways like a majestic whale shark floating in the depths of a cold and dark ocean, only it is everywhere, yet just out of sight. Parts of this whole begin to fray from the fabric, eventually tearing free,each piece incarnating in it's next version of the illusion; the contract of the life experience signed, sealed and delivered; each individual soul set for yet another adventure. What will be real in this next illusion, the soul wonders. Will I be male, female, gay, straight, black, brown, yellow, white? What soul will I have a special connection with? Which souls will I remember having been with before? Who might I marry, who might I kill? Who will teach me the Truth, who will try to keep me in the illusion? What will I fear? What will I embrace? Shall I master this incarnation, or stay locked in the illusion, and wait for the next go round to evolve?

So is this a coffee shop? No matter whose it is--- this ass feels nice, all warm and moist, it's smooth cave sides gently pressing against my dick. I reach out and caress the shoulder of the owner of this pleasant anus, I warmly kiss the smooth back and reach for a lock of hair to pull back on, to turn this head to the side so I can see who it is I am fucking. I can't see now, and I have pulled out. I am limp. I turn for the exit of the store, yet I am not in the coffee shop any longer. I am floating on an ethereal cloud, naked, lean and strong, standing erect and sure, grabbing the reins of the cumulous transport that float in the air like two leather belts caught in a state of grace, the leather smooth and smelling of musk. I see the All up ahead. I am coming in to join the mold. I'll spin around for a bit and sing and celebrate telepathically with the myriad of ascended souls. We have all evolved. We are bliss. I reach out to a soul I once knew as a canine in another incarnation many lifetimes ago. I don't get to touch this spiritual paw for I am now beginning to fray from the mire of the Soul That Is The All. I have signed another contract. I am evolving. I am ready to once again forget who I am, to incarnate into another life, all for the "soul" purpose of having the opportunity to learn, live, laugh, love and grow, so that I may once again remember.....

I hope this next adventure has some sweet asses!

Peace

Kevin

Woody the Woodpecker

2011-01-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

I watched the bird fly over my head and land on the side of the big palm tree, it's claws clinging to the shredded sinew of a decaying palm frond, and I could tell by the way that he was flapping his wings, which had what looked like two black and white bulls-eyes on the under side of them, that he was having trouble staying connected to the tree. I was afraid for him. Sometimes, for no reason I can think of, I feel like I'm losing my connection to things. I even flap my arms sometimes, and make noises like a bird in distress (Kevin says I sound like a peacock, which I think is a funny name for an animal since in my head I picture a cock peeing, and that bird called the peacock looks nothing like my stick that gets hard). Sometimes my brain doesn't talk to my body, and this is when things can start to feel wrong.

Kevin was walking next to me, and he watched the bird land gracefully on the frond before it started to lose it's perch.
"It's a woodpecker," he said, his head raised to the sky, his mouth open and his hand over his eyes like he was saluting the bird in all it's glory. Woodpecker. Another funny name. I know all the funny names for my penis. The guys that work with me are always joking about their penis'. At night I look at my penis as it grows and creeps out from my pajamas; poking it's funny head out through the hole. I laugh when it gets hard, too, so I guess it is kind of funny.
"Why is he just sittin' there?" asked Kevin, to the sky, for I'm sure he knew I wasn't going to answer him. I don't talk.
"C'mon woodpecker," he yelled, still saluting the bird and tree, "peck the wood you friggin' woodpecker, it's what you do!"
Kevin says some strange things sometimes.

We walked on and I never did here the bird start pecking the wood. I think he wasn't feeling connected, so he couldn't do what it is he usually does. When I am in anxiety, or disconnected, I feel like I can't do what it is I am supposed to be doing. When I feel anxious I can't seem to find thoughts that make me happy, only ones that make me more anxious keep coming to the forefront of my brain. I get mad at my brain sometimes. I wish it would get better at telling my body what to do. It also makes me wonder just what it is I am supposed to do. Why am I like I am? Why is Kevin like he is? Why are Mom and Dad like they are. What are we all "supposed" to be doing in this life? Why is it the woodpecker's job to peck the wood? Man it's frustrating when my thoughts get all jumbled like this, especially when I feel like I'm so far away from answering these questions about life.

I am C-Man.
Hear me roar (or peck)!

Preface of Book

2011-01-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

My name is C. I have a longer name if you'd like to know it. It's Christopher Lynch. This is how my Mom addresses me when she is mad at me. Something like this: Christopher Lynch, you stop pulling on my bra! Sometimes, when I feel the need to communicate, I pull on others' shirts sleeves, jackets, and sometimes bras. I don't talk. I never have. In my 23 years of life if I have learned anything, it's that people talk a lot, and they don't like to be pulled on. Sometimes I get frustrated, because others don't understand me. They get me all wrong, and I feel like the only way to let them know that they are totally off when they are trying to figure me out is by pulling on them. Man they hate it! Sometimes I think, because they hate it so much, I like to do it more, and it makes me laugh when they get angry. I especially like it when my friend, Kevin gets all red in the face and grits his teeth and says the f-word when he is tying my shoes and I pull on his shirt. It sounds something like this:

Fuck, C-Bone, man----cut the shit dude, you stretch out every one of my friggin' tee-shirts!,

Kevin makes me laugh---a lot.

Kevin is my friend. He makes me laugh, and cooks for me, and takes me on walks and drives. He also understands me more than most people. He talks a lot too, but most of the time he gets it right when he's trying to figure me out. I try not to pull on him too much, but I love when he says the fuck word (it made me laugh a second ago when I typed the f-word). Kevin told me to write everything I am feeling; every thought that goes through my brain. My brain is different than Kevin's, it has autism. I like to think that autism doesn't have me, it just kidnapped my brain when I was very young, and it likes to work it's funky brand of magic on my life. It messes with my body the most. The autism in my brain doesn't communicate very well with my body. This is the biggest stressor due to autism, especially since I have no way of
verbally telling others when the autism is hijacking my thoughts.

Lucky for me, sometimes my autism goes away, and I feel real good, and I can type like I am doing right now. I hope most of this book will be good like this, but I can't promise anything. You will know, when you are reading this book, if and when my autism is really bad or good. I
can't tell you what the words will look like when I'm not regulated like I am right now because I don't really have control of my brain and body when the autism is strong. Kevin said he will help me transfer these bad times to print. It might be hard, but I think it will be okay.

I'm feeling a little hungry now, so I'm going to go pull on Kevin's shirt, and maybe even pinch the skin on his arm so I know for sure he will swear! Hah.

Peace

C

Clarity

2010-12-25T15:57:00.000-08:00

I got my mind in the gutter and the gutter on my mind. It's Christmas time, Yo! My birfday! 47 and ready to fuckin' roll like I'm 29, loose as a goose, shiny as a new quarter, sly like a fox, horny like a bunny rabbit. Got the globe of the world in a headlock, my toned biceps embracing equal parts North America and the Dark Continent. Wide open seas say dive in, landscapes lie naked, and open, yearning for my thrust, my sweet invasion of it's turf.

The sun shines when I look up in the sky, afraid to offer it's dark side, for that synchronous fusion of my inner darkness and the black cloak of the evil skies would surely reek ruin upon the earth rending it unable to ever reproduce light and love again. I embrace the dark as I send out the light beacon, my soul on fire, lit by love and eternally burning like the fires in that imagined place below.

I wake with a mischievous smirk, shocking the Universe for a split second as it readies itself for my opulent madness, my free spirited tirade of love, lust, compassion, and joy. I shake off the ugly and wrap a jacket of flirtatious confidence on my body, my face, my mind; beauty tears through as the illusion of anything but sensuous, unbearable charm bursts from my being, masking any and all supposed imperfections.

3 years from 50. I'm alive, more than ever before. Every day is my oyster, shucked, wet and delicious. I am sated by the taste of the ocean, shards of the shell no match for my incisors, the belly of the mollusk pulsing orgasmically, awaiting my tongue, my bite, my tear of it's perfect flesh. I attack as if hunted, insane like a rabid badger, my glare mistaken for a smile, nothing but a treacherous leer that can't be resisted.

Shaking off the old, metamorphoses complete. Wings are spread wide, though invisible you see, I soar through the heavens, for the earth is alive, hysterical and free. Heaven and Earth, the same place they be, what a thing to know, what a great time to BE!

Peace

Kevin

The Book

2010-12-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm gonna write a book.

Combining my trip around the country journals with my work with C-Man---the boy wonder with autism! I've dabbled in this before but it didn't fully evolve or take the right shape. It wasn't the right time! Now it is.

More to come!

Working title: Love and Quesadillas

My C-Man loves when I make the Mexican delights!

He let me know, in his special way, that this should be the title!

Peace

Kevin

Holiday

2010-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

Best Christmas ever!

It's not even here yet, but it's gonna be a sweet one! Will I be with family? No. Will I be out festively drinking with strangers? No. Will I be out of town on an adventurous Holiday Travel jaunt? No. Will I be bedding down with a nice warm body? No. Will I be working? Yes. But what is work? The word itself implies something one HAS to do (work: toil, labor). But work is nothing but simple joy when you bring enthusiasm to it. Come from love in all you do and all is suddenly perfect!

Now I'd love to be bedding down; all skin on skin and lips on nipples, entering sweet chasms of the sweetest kind; oral fantasies played out as they were thought up. I'd love to be with family in NY or NC! But such is not the case.

I'll be hanging with my autistic buddy and his family. It's turning out to be light and sweet, like I used to like my coffee. Now I like it with just a hint of half and half. Ahhhhhhh, how we evolve. This time last year, I was working too, but I wasn't happy. I was loveless, drinking wine at my place with C-Man, trying to blot the world out; hide in a haze and have a pity party with the theme being---why is my life so not full of adventure.

A lot has changed since then! Adventure now rules. This blog site is going to be the relater of these adventures. Adventures in living, loving, and being.

Of course, if anyone would like to bed down with me tonight you are cordially invited!

Peace

Kevin

A Little Enthusiasm

2010-12-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

Enthusiasm for living.

What would we do if we were totally enthusiastic about living? If we attacked everything we did with gusto, be it love, work, whatever! I'm guessing life would be one thrill ride after another; a chance to re-create, to throw adventure into the mix of everything we do. Eat with joy. Love unconditionally. Fuck like the energizer bunny. Work with a permanent smile etched on your once mundane face. Tell the truth about everything that you are to everyone you know.

This be my new way of living--- enthusiasm in all I do. I've been this way, but not fully. I've dabbled in truth, but not pure truth all the time. I've been into my work, but never really fully where I wasn't thinking about something else, whether it was making sound effects for film, or walking down the street talking to the C-Man---my buddy with autism, who would surely benefit from my enthusiastic state of mind.

It's all systems go now, and it will be all in the moment as well; creating and being in every God given moment on this earth.

Sounds simply sweet, and totally doable!

Ahhhhhhh----I is grateful for this new dose of inner peace.

Time to attack! Adventure in living awaits!

Peace

Kevin

Slappada Myself Outta Da Funk

2010-12-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

What a difference a day makes.

Got a reality check last night. Turns out inner peace was tangible all along, my thoughts and actions were just pushing it away. So I got me some now. I am back in the moment; back in Being; angst rode the tide out to sea last night, and I am me, firmly situated on the Terra Firma.

I have been writing about being but I have been being everything but---Being. I have moved on; creating the moments in the moment, letting what may transpire be as it shall be. Fuck I got tired of fighting myself. Overthinking this life is detrimental to ones mental health.

So what to do now with this new found beingness?

I know what! Live the adventure that is life, one sweet moment at a time. Create it all to match who I want to be; be unconditional love, and free of spirit.

Be.

Adventure here I come!

Peace
(whew!)

Kevin

Xmas Wishes

2010-12-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

I need some inner peace stuffed into my stocking this holiday season, and it can't be buried beneath sickeningly sweet and sugary confections or tiny collectible nicknacks; it needs to be peering over the fuzzy white part of the stocking, un-wrapped and ready to be taken. I don't want anything else for Christmas.

Am I just creating this angst that has washed over my soul as of late? Why can't I move forward? Why do I keep thinking, thinking, and then over thinking this relationship that I am not really in? It's the ambiguousness of the damn thing that is driving me crazy. I keep saying to myself: let go, move on, get on the adventure path of a new journey! Then she calls. Then we hang out. Then there's a sleep over. Then another. Then a talk. Then a mis-understanding, a walking on eggshells, a diversion to a state of mind and being that just somehow doesn't feel so right. What is the part of it that feels wrong? Is it all me that is causing this confusion. Is it the other? Is it both of us equal parts confused and bitter with a dash of fear and weakness, or is it love, trying to re-establish itself anew?

Trapped in the realm of indecisiveness, I awake with these thoughts, they spend the day with my all too thinking mind, and they lay down with me, eventually seeping out of my mind and into my subconscious, creating flagrantly frazzled dreamscapes and hopeless heart string pulls, the soul-mind-body connect beat up like an overworked factory grunt, sweating and defeated, and toiling on an assembly line that keeps re-fueling the angst, joy, pain, and ecstasy in a what seems to be never-ending cycle, ad infinitum, over and over and over....

I want New sometimes. I am changing in so many positive and fulfilling ways, and in turn, my life has changed, yet this fragment of a past me clings to my being as if by Krazy Glue; the pain of ripping it from my person too horrendous to think of, so there it stays like a stubborn mole that is part of you but could be detrimental to one's health if it changed color or lead to cancer, but one take's the risk, a flighty, romantic notion takes over that this is nothing but a beauty mark, no unsightly hairs or malignant lesions, just a natural extension of one's flawless epidermis.

Stay. Go. Live. Fight.

Time to think, but not too much.

Time to be.

Time to fly......

So, c'mon St. Nick, get off your big cherubic ass and help me out here. Don't worry yourself with have I been good have I been bad. I'll take a big, black lump of coal---as long it comes with just a little sprinkling of inner peace. That's all. That's all.

Peace

Kevin

Here Comes That Holiday Angst Shit (to be taken w/ a stiff grain of salt)

2010-12-19T15:31:00.000-08:00

The rain keeps falling
My mind
Keeps wallowing
Sure of itself
Then not

Love of a woman
Longing for
Connection
Fighting temptation to
Stray
Banish the
Sweetest
Of truths
And run
Hide in the cargo bay
Where the air is foul
And strangely sexual

Govern my soul
Let it go?
Where are
The vices
Where is the love
Why all just
Secrets
Shame
Regret
Desire for validation?

To want to be
Wanted
To want to
Let go
Just be

Fighting desire
To be desired
Fraught with angst and tried
And true virtue
To rape
To rape my fucking mind
Tear at It's uncanny
Ability to steer the show
To select the next game piece
To push me off
The edge

Be boy
Live
Do
Adventure
It's all there
For the embracing
No more stagnancy
No more unequivocally
Depression-inducing angst

It's all me
Not in a selfish way
It just is
Change happens
When change is made
Action
Now

Subconscious Madness

2010-12-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

When I looked in the mirror my hair was at it's most disheveled and the receding hairline could be seen clearly; a small island of hair jutted out from the recesses of the forehead like the state of Florida on a map, sticking out like a sad piece of land amidst a voracious Atlantic Ocean on one side and the Gulf on the other. There was a round skin blotch on my forehead that looked like an old scar or burn mark that stayed around too long after the fire was put out.

Shit, I thought, here I am in San Antonio, Texas, about to have a reunion with an old flame from my travels 15 years prior, and my hair and face looks like shit. How did I get hair back on my head, and I never get zits, except for the once in a while whitehead that graces the side of my nose like an embedded, un-welcome visitor. What's going on here?

I was dreaming of course.

So here's the goofy dream: I was flailing on the back of a motorized rick-shaw driven by a dwarf with buck teeth and a penchant for cursing. "Fuuuuuuuuck," he screamed as we fishtailed to a stop in front of the Texas restaurant I once slung margaritas in. I got off the cart and ran into the restaurant so I could fix myself before my reunion with some old co-workers and a past love. The co-workers were there as I ran past them down a long hallway, it's length exaggerated thanks to the dream land.

Flash to: There she is, Sue Araujo, sporting a leopard fur coat and casually straddling a barstool with her high heels on the bar, the strap of the shoe resting like a lost leash on the Negra Modelo Beer labeled coasters. I approached with caution, sensitive and aware of my disheveled doo and acne scarred skin. How to explain why I look the way I do after a year of a cyber communicado that has been a blast, a heartache at times, and a sweet oral/aural coming together. She has seen current pictures of me; my closely shorn scalp, lean worked-out physique and well lotioned skin. Somehow I have resorted back to some rank avatar version of myself circa 1987.

Flas to: I am on the ground, having either fallen or been thrown to the barroom floor (my subconscious didn't have the decency to tell me how I got laid out). An old flame from my days in North Carolina is standing over me, smiling and consoling me, saying it's okay, it's all over. Next to her is the dwarf driver from the rick-shaw, he is kicking me and telling me to get my stupid ass self off the floor.

Flash to: I am outside the restaurant releasing myself from a hug with Juliet, the fling I had while working at a restaurant in Wrightsville Beach circa 1993. Where is my Sue? What happened to our supposed reunion? Why am I getting back on a motorized sled and heading for the North Pole, my hair still matted and shedding, my skin greasy and cratered, my heart broken and anxiety spreading through my entire being.

To be continued....

Peace

Kevin

Meat Stick de Brasilia

2010-12-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

"That girl over there in the ponytail," said Laquetta. "She's really a dude, but she must have paid some good money, cause she looks good."
K didn't agree, or even acknowledge her cousin's critique of the supposed transsexual. I just thought, shit, if she's a tranny, well then, that's my type. She's hot!

"You can tell in her face," continued Quetta. "But she did have some good surgery."

Now I didn't say anything. I kept eating my meat, and fuck in' A, was I having some meat! We were at Texes de Brasilia just off the Strip in Las Vegas, Nevada---the original city of sin, but not the original city for trannies. No, Tranny Central was, is, and forever shall be my Los Angeles! I wondered what meat lay between the legs of this lovely lady with thick straw-colored hair framing her angular jaw and tucked neatly into a pony-tail, her eyes a deep brown, big and curious, and pondering her next bite of marinated flank steak that lay on her plate like a flattened labia, of which I was also wondering might be the downstairs inhabitant of this young shemale for I wasn't even sure she was a tranny as I moved my sidewards glance from her plate to the smooth tan skin of her hairless arms, and the sweet feminine curve of her posterior as it pressed itself against the back side of her wicker dining chair. She caught my furtive glance and I quickly returned to the carnivore's delight that graced my dinner plate---filet mignon, ribeye and a sweet slice of flank steak pressed up against a sad pile of neglected garlic mashed potatoes and phallic asparagus spears.

I think I'm a better tranny spotter than K's opinionated, and not so mannered cousin. I am attracted to trannies. I fantasize about being with trannies. By gum, I know a pre-op, post-op or just plain cross dresser when I see one.

I still kept my mouth shut as Q commented again. Maybe she liked and fantasized about trannies too! Why not? It's an intriguing thing the chick with a dick. The curvaceous lady like hips, the strong legs and buttocks, the scent of a woman created through the combination of hormone injections and the latest from the lotion store; the nuanced walk, the pouty lips, the just a little bit too much make-up. A man wanting to be a woman. What's wrong with that. Women are beautiful, mysterious, sexy, sweet and pure in spirit. They have breasts that scream "caress me" and nipples that beg for the tongue. Yet many pre-op trannies prefer to be just that---pre-op! They want to be all that woman is yet they don't want to lose the phallus---the one manly ingredient that defined their past self. They desire the stately grace of a woman, the demure touch of a lady, yet still want that masculine thrusting stick so they can remember where they came from. They are women of the New--in charge of their bodies and souls like no other creature, human or animal. They are brave in their desire to change themselves into something that is understood by few and ridiculed by many---labeled a freak and a fag and a soulless ne'er-do well. Yet they are all beautiful as far as I am concerned. They are being who they are, even if who they are is some of this and a little of that.

As I finished my last piece of dead animal flesh and ordered my chocolate cake for dessert, I took one last glance at the fair maiden across from me, and I smiled, and she smiled back, acknowledging my pure gesture of recognition, and not recognition that she was a transsexual, but that she was a human being, alive in this world, and in this life, just wanting to be happy, to be love, to just Be, and enjoy some meat, and if in her lap she possessed a meat stick or a wall of labia, she was beautiful in her own special way.

Peace

Kevin

Man It Hurts

2010-12-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

A shift has occurred. What was thought to be an unrelated event, has lead to another awakening, another truth, and a true desire for change. No more insanity. No more ego leading the way.

I am single. I am NOT in a relationship. This is what I need at this moment in my life. I have been clinging to an old way to be vindicated for what I thought were egregious sins. My ego-driven need to be wanted has kept me in a fruitless pursuit of what once was. What once was is just that---it was! It is not now. Now I need to be and follow the steps I need to take; the path that will embrace this spiritual evolution that I feel I am in the midst of. I have anger in me that I need to let go of. Anger at myself for destroying a beautiful relationship a few years ago. Anger for not forgiving myself. Anger projected at the other for the relationship not blossoming once again like I believed I wanted it too. Anger at being in fear.

There is nothing that I need to have. There is nothing that I need to do. There is nothing that I need to be. I need only be ME, which is unconditional love, in this very moment, every moment.

I am tired of the anxiety of wondering if this person will truly want me again. It's driving me nuts. I lose concentration, my heart and soul ache with some unknown, and fucking annoying yearning for something that is unrealistic. I must be out of my mind. Actually, I NEED to be OUT of my mind. I have to listen to my inner voice, then be an expression of what I know is the highest version of me. I get stuck in my head, much like the persons with autism that I work with. I start thinking the world---my life as I know it---will cease to be if this person does not want to be with me. Why is this so hard to let go of.

I am confused. At the same time I feel this person does not want me, we have been intimate, and close, and even very light at times. When we are together it feels right. But there is something else. Some knowing that I have to let go of this. That I need to be a me that is transparent and trusting, and I am having trouble being that person, and I don't believe the other is being transparent either, for I do not trust the other, I do not trust myself fully, and I at times trust no one, and it is this that pains me so, that brings the hurt, for I am so becoming aware of what this life can be, and no matter how much I embrace the beautiful change that is occurring within me, I still don't fully trust it, and it is this that leads to anxiety, and pain, and frustration, and fear.

I need to walk the walk. I have to believe in the process, and embrace it all, good and bad, pain and beauty.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh. It hurts!

Yet I smile right now, happy that I am letting it out. As long as I come from love and not fear in all my choices and thoughts and actions, then everything will be as it should. I really believe this. Thank God for that.

Peace

Kevin

Intuition Smintuition

2010-12-13T14:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't trust my intuition. But one is supposed to, right? To listen to that little man in the head, even if what he is telling you may appear to seem so "far out" that it can't be so.

I have trust issues. I always have. Shit, I am just beginning to trust myself. I don't trust anybody! And I don't wish to live like that; always second guessing others' proclaimed truths about themselves. Just like love---if you can't love yourself you can't possibly love another. I believe that to be a truism.

I've been a vulnerable motherfucker as of late---very defensive, sensitive, and emotional (due in part I believe to no longer burying my emotions and thoughts in a nice bottle of Pinot Noir---never Merlot---that shit just makes problems worse.

In an earlier post I spoke of mt budding feelings for an old flame. Well, yours truly, Mr. No Trust, just opened up a whirlwind of a vortex; a maelstrom of deceit, manipulation, jealousy, weakness, and ---oh yes---wait for it, wait for it----Mistrust!

Along with the vulnerability comes confusion; fear of making the right choices for my life. Am I setting myself up for self sabotage by exploring my desires for this old flame? Am I blowing an opportunity to grow and experience life like I want to by concentrating my thoughts and actions on making a relationship blossom again, albeit one that maybe should remain where it as---a bond of friendship with a dose of hey, we had a good time while it lasted pathos. I don't know.

Why do people have to be so secretive? This is what leads to my distrust of others that I experience as being secretive. My intuition says they are not saying something; they are not being 100% transparent, which is all I can be now. Transparency is my modus operandi right now, I can be nothing else but truthful.

I want inner peace with this whole scenario. I want to be happy with the choice I make. Why is it so hard to choose a path and stick with it? Why do the thoughts in my head have to be so jumbled? To Be. I talk about this all the time. I'm a true promoter of the philosophy of just being, so why am I having such a problem walking the walk?

Thanks for letting me rant, digress, and spew whiny shit all over this blog. Sometimes it's all I can do. Gotta get it out, for what you resist persists, and what you look at disappears. And right now, I just want these thoughts to disappear, and at times, I'd like my whole being to just disappear, and transform itself into a being of Being, and start fresh, and move forward, and be love, and embrace it all with a smile.

Peace

Kevin

Vegas Baby Vegas (and the hood).

2010-12-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

The hood of my 1996 Eagle Vision would pop off it's hinge, and separate from the body of the car just enough for me to worry that the entire hood apparatus---all 60 pounds of it---would fly from it's tentative perch and slam into the windshield, sending me to a premature death on the I-15 before I turned 40.

This was the drama that ensued on my first journey to Las Vegas from Los Angeles.

Now, 6 years later, I am heading back to the city of sin in a 2006 Nissan Frontier. No hood problems that I know of.

That first stressful drive was 6 hours of pure anxiety. Any slight bump in the road or heavy gust of wind would release the cars hood; a tiny "dinging" sound would accompany this release and my heart would react with a twitter, like Pavlov's dogs salivating at the sound of a bell, only this particular noise had me on edge, sick with fright that I had gotten myself into a doomed scenario that would surely end with my demise.

The drive back to LA was equally frightening. I had my bud Rich with me and I think I scarred him for life. We had to pull over at least a dozen times to shut the hood and pray we weren't hit by any 18-wheelers soaring past us at 90 miles an hour. Besides the round trip driving, the trip was fun.

I was too meet my bud at the Excalibur Hotel where he had reserved a room for two nights after visiting his Dad for two days in the Vegas suburbs. The Excalibur was all goofy glitz with it's Knights of the Round Table theme. Super cheesy, and there was no way I was going to go to any Knight duel or Medievil-themed dinner and show. We pretty much slept there, swam in the pool, and had a drink or two in the Excalibur's casino/bar. Then we had dinner at Tao in The Venetian, enjoyed Blue Man Group, and wrapped the night up at a gay bar off the strip, where I converted a lesbian to one night of PG-Rated frivolity with me as my friend shook his head in wonder of my transformative skills. I danced with the lass for about two hours, her butch girlfriend, not amused by our chaste kissing and slightly bawdy dry humping on the dance floor, fled the scene while we were still giddily grinding. Soon my friend tired of our budding relationship, and we left my newly converted stripper to the arms of another delusional hipster and headed back to the casino for a night cap, or morning cap.

Tomorrow my truck will perform just fine. I am sure the hood of the truck will stay firmly planted in it's place, as will my libido. There will probably be no night caps, no lesbian strippers, and no blue-faced trio's of percussionists, but it will be fun nonetheless. Being sober puts whole new perspectives on experiences. I remember stuff. I feel healthy.

So, I look forward to reporting on the festivities in the next couple of days, after all, when one is sober, truthful, and living the adventure, what happens in Vegas, is not staying in Vegas; it's coming with me, all of it, and I shall blog the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me, Elvis---I mean, God!

Peace

Kevin

Desert Soul

2010-12-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

Going to Vegas this coming Saturday! I don't gamble and I don't partake in the imbibing of spirits, but I shall enjoy the Original City of Sin in a whole new way. I've been imbibing spirits still, but not of the alcohol persuasion. My spirit is alive and well; an adventurous, free-spirited soul is mine, looking forward to a solo drive through the desert from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

The desert holds a special place in my spirit. I feel one with it's unique individuality---it's essence and flavor, dry like withered timber but more alive with mystique than an alien being. The desert itself is sort of an alien place. It's like an unexplored planet; it's terrain musty like tainted soil. A voracious haze blankets the desert's horizon like a theater-sized curtain made of dry twigs, sand and the skeletons of deceased desert dwellers like the armadillo and kangaroo mouse. The scent of death and life mingle like the recently deceased at one of life's way stations, some souls preparing for evolution to a higher place, some hopping the soul train to another life in duality. In the desert I feel alive, whether I am hiking in Joshua Tree or peeing on a dead cactus off the I-15 on the way to the storied city of sin.

This adventure in travel will also give me ample time to be by myself; to swat away at some of the recent cobwebs that have infested my mind in a sticky, jumbled layer of sinewy web strands. In my recent quest for inner peace, simplicity, and being, some old feelings for a kindred soul have amped up to Defcon Status Orange---not as severe as Red, but a touch above the seemingly not so important Level Yellow. Thoughts and desires are manifesting into realities and it's been an interesting ride of late. My heart is huge for this person, and my mind follows along, sure in itself of all it seeks. Yet is it sure? Is it a glitch in the space-time continuum that has got me feeling like I do? Am I setting myself up for a fall? Ami I simply being, and the manifestation of love is a natural step in the evolution of relationship?

How much of my feelings are ego driven? What percentage is fear of loss? What fraction is the desire for validation? Or is it all simply---
real? Is thislove of the highest order manifesting itself in outward acts of love and kinship?

All these questions will be thrown around as I pull off of the desert highway, exit my truck and wander into the sandy depths of the mysterious landscape, on a sort of mini-hike into the recesses of my soul and mind as they interact and communicate with each other, sending visual signals to my heart, so the organ can translate the coded messages and lead my being to be that which it is meant to be. It will probably tell me to do just that---BE.

So I look forward to this little journey. And I only hope I don't get lost---either in the harsh elements of the desert or the deeper recesses of my mind and soul. Eyes wide shut, heart on my tattered sleeve, soul smiling as it surrounds the great desert and embraces it's mystery like a lover with a pure heart and the desire to do nothing more than bring peace and love with it's blanket of purity of purpose.

Peace

Kevin

Sweet Adventure That Is Life

2010-12-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

To be in love.

This sentence takes on a whole new meaning for me when I think about life. It is no longer just a way to be with another, it is a way to be with the world, the All, and most importantly, the Self. I am learning to love the All and myself, for we are all one, so loving one automatically brings love to the other, although since we are all one, it happens in perfect synchronicity.

I used to not love me at all. I thought I did, but I was just shameful, full of regret, fear and I was angry that I was not validated as a human being.

I now embrace and love---the All of me. I bless my demons, my addictions, and my past decisions, some that were not the highest expressions of me. I do not feel shame. I do not fear. I do not need validation from anyone. I need only choose to express the highest version of me in every giving moment and with the highest version of me being, Love---well then I have nothing to lose.

I hope I don't sound sappy and contrived. I can't help it, writing all this sweet gobbley-gook! It just feels right. The shit is flowing out of me like the rays of light from the sun shine on the Earth. I'm a light worker---a bringer of the light. It was what and who I was always meant to be. Now that may sound a little highfalutin, but I can't help it. I really feel it.

I have always been this force, but through most of my life in this duality---this illusion---I have been asleep, unaware of the Truth of my Being. It's wild shit, this philosophy that we are all one, just in various stages of awareness, with our one and only mission to remember who
we are, which is unconditional love, individuated parts of the All---the Soul of the Universe. We chose to come into this illusion to remember who we are. That's it. To experience who we are, we had to come into this illusion to forget who we were, so we could come back to this
experience of gradually remembering who we are. It's an adventurous mission, and we chose it so we could experience the Truth, and
become aware, and then one day we will choose again, at the moment of our supposed death (though there is no death for real), whether
we wish to be a part of another duality, or walk in a higher vibration, and experience all the wonders of that incarnation.

Sound crazy? If you asked me that question a year or so ago I would have thought it was just another theory tossed around about what life is all about. But I know this awareness was brought to me at this time for the sole experience I chose to have when I began this incarnation.
Now I am aware I am living it, and it's not real, and it now makes sense to abide by this very Truth: There is nothing I need to have. There is nothing I need to do. There is nothing I need to be. I need only be in this very moment, creating me, my future me, my past me, my one
that is a part of the All.

It makes life in this realm pretty freaking adventurous. I am loving this ride. And I hope I can stay on it for some time, for I want even more awareness, more truth, and more love, and it is ME that has the ability and the power to create it all.

Whew!

Yeah!

Keep it coming!

Peace

Kevin

Don't Leave Me California!

2010-12-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

I lived in Wilmington, North Carolina for five years. I liked it there---many fond memories, interesting jobs, beautiful beach. However, I must LOVE California, because I had a dream last night that bordered on being a nightmare about being stuck where you don't wish to be.

I was being hired back at the News/Talk radio station that I worked at for five years. A guy that took over for me as Production Manager, Chuck was leaving, and I was returning to write and produce the station's commercials. Now I liked tjis job when I had it, but it came with it's fair share of stress, particularly deadline stress. Ads had to be written and produced and aired at a specific time, and it never failed that all of the five station's sales reps would have their work orders in my IN Box at the same time. At least two of the very successful, go-getter reps would place between 5-6 commercial orders in the box at one time. This meant I had to pull creativity from my normally hungover brain on a daily basis, and in large doses. Then I had to have the copy approved, produce the ad with all the effects and music and voice over talent, and then play the ad over the phone to the respective businesses that I had just created for. It was quite a process. At this time, I was also the Operations Manager of the station, meaning I hired and trained all the sound board operators and live show engineers, and produced a number of shows myself as well.

Well, in this dream, I was bombarded with work orders as if I had never left. However, the station itself was completely different in every respect: the technology was upgraded, digital, and totally beyond my understanding, the work orders were coming in like mad, people I didn't know were asking me questions, in 5 minutes I had to be on-air to fill in for a host! All this, and of course, as things go in dream land, I had no idea how to do anything.

My old boss was there, the only familiar face besides the guy whose job I was taking, and the boss man would just pop into my visual dream frame every few seconds and glare at me. The next thing I knew I was putti g tapes away in a commercial library, and I was shirtless, and being ogled at by young female sales reps that I did not know. "Where was my shirt," I thought to myself.

Suddenly, I was being driven in a car through downtown, Wilmington. I looked up at the small versions of skyscrapers and had the most dreadful feeling that I would never see my beloved California again. My dream became a nightmare. I looked beyond the brick facade of the Town Hall building and longed to see the ever present San Gabriel Mountains in the background but they weren't there! I was living in North Carolina and back at a job I did not wish to be at, and the guy driving the car was telling me about all the "cool new" buildings and restaurants and such that had sprung up in recent years. But I didn't care about any of this. I closed my dream eyes and prayed that when I opened them I would be back in sunny, California, this all obviously being just a bad dream of dis-location. I opened my dream eyes and I saw the familiar Town Hall building. I began to cry and bang my head against the car window...

Then I woke up---for real this time.
I was in my bed, I had a raging hard-on, a hankering for oatmeal, and a strong desire to fly across the room from my bed to look out the kitchen window at the sun-drenched California mountains. Whew! There they were in all their glory, lushly green and majestically snow strewn on their uppermost regions. My nether regions were still erect with joy, so I took hold of my John Thomas and released a little Holiday
Liquid snow myself. Aaaaaaaaah! California! My home. My soul place. With this thought echoing through all my regions high and nether, I reached for some California Raisins so I could sprinkle a handful of the chewy rabbit poop like pellets onto a nice, warm bowl of instant oatmeal!

Yum.

Love ya North Carolina, love ya radio---but sorry---I need me some True West at this stage in my life. I may join the denizen of the east coast again someday, but for the present---for this moment in time---I am a man of the left coast, of sunshine, mountains, and the Pacific Ocean, AA meetings in West Hollywood, mountain trails for running, deserts to drive to, smoggy freeways, liberal politics, Hollywood hoodlums, and autistic buddies. And I like it!

Peace

Kevin

No More Words

2010-11-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I got my Conversations With God message today and it said I have the power within me to change the direction of my life and the course of human history. Whew! That's heavy, but you know what---I actually believe it. In fact, I know it is so, for I have already done so.

I am on a path of life unlike any other I have traveled down. This is a path of truth and adventure, or better, an adventure in truth path. It's amazing, the big and small things that I have been creating through the simple decision to be who I am, and to change my perspective. It is cool. I can't think of any other way to describe it.

(will have to get back to this blog, C-Man asking me to go out with him).

Allright. Back.

It seems like a big chunk of prophetic feel good at times, but deep down, deep inside my truth, I do know it's true. I have changed my life. I have decided to be truth. I have decided to be love. I have decided to lose all fear. Pretty cool shit. And as I have written before, I'm excited about this blossoming adventure; an exploration in living that has only just begun.

C-Man knows it too. I can tell by the way he looks at me. I believe C-Man and others with his autism have a totally different awareness about life. I think I know that now, and he, in turn, knows that I know it. We have a truth-connect, and it does not need to be talked about. We know it. We now communicate through looks more than any other method of communication. We have our one-sided conversations at times (me talking, since Chris does not), and he types for me on his iPad, but we are truly non-verbal, and getting more so everyday. Words in life are becoming less and less necessary for communication.

I am communicating who I am by whom I am being. It's simple. My actions truly now speak louder than words. Words can screw so much up sometimes and be so mis-interpreted. C-Man knows this, he hasn't spoken a word in his entire 23 years of living, and he communicates
better than some verbal people I know.

I am trying to live in the moment. This is a tough thing to do. So often I find myself thinking back to how I used to do things when it came to making a decision in the moment. I was reactive most of the time. I would create through reaction, and not be the process of creation. I can't do that anymore. I am now the conscious cause of all action that flows from my being.

My mind is getting boggled. Time to start writing adventure stories.

Keep in touch. Good stuff to come.

Peace

Kevin

Family

2010-11-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

Food, Family, and Football. This is how the Thanksgiving Holiday is now defined. Funny. I never much cared for the football when I was growing up and feasting at relatives homes. I dug the family thing, until I didn't. For many years I preferred to be by myself. When I worked in radio I used to volunteer to work, even though I didn't have to. I'd kick my feet up on the sound board at News/Talk 980 WAAV and scarf down a turkey sub while handling the commercial breaks that interrupted continuous coverage of old radio shows like, Fibber, Magee & Molly, or the classically hilarious, Jack Benny. I guess you could say I preferred solitude, subs and sappy radio programs to being around family. I think I got this way in my semi-self solitude times. When I became an unwed father, and absentee Dad, I sort of felt like I was judged at all family get togethers, so I preferred to avoid them. I was selfish and clueless for a good long period of my life. I'm glad I have evolved.

Family rocks, and I am one blessed guy; blessed with an array of miscreants, neer-do-wells, and all around creative, funny and loving people. I appreciate family. I never thought I'd say that. I always considered my self to be quite the un-familial guy, but times have changed, and I be embracing the family love on many levels.

My daughter and I have a great relationship. My Mom and Dad are two of the most giving people I know. I have two soul cousins, one male and one female. I know my deceased grandparents arevall watching out for me, implanting tiny bits of wisdom into my subconscious while I sleep. My Aunts and Uncles are all amazing individuals, made even more amazing in their collective family units. My brothers are all characters of the highest order, all with a sense of humor, a love of life, and a giving hearts.

I wonder if I will have or create more of a family one day. At times I think I'd like to. At times I think I'm looney for even thinking about it. At times I want to be in South Africa, a lone wanderer, searching for adventure through giving, and being---love. At times I want to settle down with someone and have a kid, or adopt one, with someone I love. I guess I want it all. But I already have it all.

I don't need to have anything, I don't need to do anything, I don't need to be anything. All I need to do is "be", in this very magical moment of NOW.

So, on this day after Thanksgiving, I am grateful for family, for God, and for the opportunity to become aware, and to live this adventure in every waking moment of NOW!

Peace

Kevin

Master C

2010-11-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

C-Bone is smiling, and that makes me smile too. He's pacing, floating on preppy leather Docksiders, the sturdy boat shoe worn And tattered around the edges and on the soles due to the extra abuse put on feet by those with a mind/body disconnect. Chris walks on his toes; he has a few balance issues (who doesn't?), so he forces the weight of his body to his toes so they can support his movement.

I wonder what's on his mind. I wonder if I have anything about him figured out at all. I wonder if this is a game of sorts; a test of wills to see who can be more truthful in their everyday choices. I think C-Man is edging me out, at least a few lengths ahead of me. Chris does not speak so it is harder for him to lie. I chance lying every time I open my gaping jaw. My mind searches for a sweet lie in it's library of deception, perusing potential sub-truths and defined by the past successful lies and cover ups. Luckily for me, I've got my mind in check these days. I push back the old lie words and replace them with immediate truth. In turn, all my catalogued lie responses are self-combusting like wisps of paper being magically vaporized by a magician of the mind. The lies serve no purpose, they bring no satisfaction, they cease to manipulate others and myself.

It's an exciting time, this time of all truth all the time. Chris feels this adventurous time reeling in his soul as well. He knows I am becoming aware of his awareness, and for this, he is happy. He is happy that I am "getting" him, that I am loving him, and that I am choosing my words more carefully these days. Words are overrated and he knows this Truism. He is a man of few words. He is a Master of Sounds. His utterances of joy and pain and sorrow and guilt resonate deeply to those who will take the time to listen. I listen more now, for C-Bone has a lot to say. He wants what we all want---to be Love and nothing more. He succeeds more than I do in this sharing of the love, but I am learning more and more from him everyday on just how easy it is to come from love in all that one does.

He's on the couch in the family room of his stately cottage in Pasadena. He clasps a frilly satin pillow, places it to his pouty lips and smiles, uttering a few peeps and squeals that resonate with the simple joy of being and feeling good in the moment.

I am blessed that this Master has been placed in my path. I may be the behavior therapist assigned to help him, but that title or job description is just words. His smile as he looks at me means more than any uttered pleasantry could ever convey.

You rock old autistic Master.

Peace

Kevin

Holla-Days!

2010-11-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

That Holiday time of year again, which means sleigh bills ringing, and antelopes screwing, and chestnuts all snug in their beds as the children roast on an open fire, preferably mesquite chips since that so brings out the flavor of young girls and boys.

Time for homeowners to deck their halls, hang up bright and blinking lights and pull the decaying plastic Rudolph from it's 11-month home in the garage attic, and drink egg nog with their friends and talk about how it just seems like yesterday that the season of Yule logs and stockings hanging on the chimney was here.

I will be sharing in none of this fabricated holiday cheer this year. I will be working tw weeks straight, everyday from December 20th 2010 until January 3rd Year of Our Lord, 2011. Ten days of these two wonderful weeks of Xmas Joy will be 14 hour days, hanging with Good King C-Bone. I have thought of complaining about this, but you know what---I'm happy; I'm living the adventure, fear free and full of sweet love. God Bless Us Everyone! This IS the time of year to be grateful, and fuck in' A---I'm a grateful dude. I got it all: love to give, health, money, a comfortable home, a penis that still gets hard (daily) without the aid of little blue pharmaceuticals, people that love me, and to top it off, an awareness and peace of mind that I have never had before.

My life is a sweet adventure. I never know what good tidings are going to come my way. Connections with soul friends and lovers keep me in the here and now, not worrying about what "should" be! Living in the moment is realized in every moment that I momentarily exist in the present moment. Every moment is a chance to shine and be the light that ignites fires of truth, love and beauty.

I will have a sweet moment to moment as I spend quality time with a sweet soul with autism. I'll make him laugh and show him how to be a giver of the light fantastic, for he is a burning ember of truth and love and beauty through and through, and I'm not going to stop letting him know it. And, more importantly, I am not going to stop letting ME know it---for tis is how I live now. This is my truth. This is how I roll....

Peace

Kevin

The Chronicles Begin

2010-11-19T13:17:00.000-08:00

Awareness. Thought=action. Being before doing. Love is all that matters. Fear is the opposite of love. All we are is love. Our souls have come into this un-reality---this duality---to remember who they are. This is the soul's only purpose in choosing a lifetime in this present reality. I find this to be a simple truth. It used to confuse the shit out of me.

I walk in a strange new awareness these days. When I feel connected to my purpose in this life it's like nothing can harm me. All is as it should be. The adventure that is the rest of my time in this duality is rearing up to be quite a ride. Once again, when I really think about it it's almost overwhelming.

This blog is soon to be a chronicle of this adventure for it can be nothing but that. I feel it in my very physical body, natural highs coming and going like clockwork, one minute I'm walking on air, living in the moment, the next, a thought about what could be---the highest expression of me in a moment, becomes a goal to reach yet obtained instantaneously in the very moment it was originally thought.

I have to get this message out there. Not in a sanctimonious, evangelical, rhetoric spewing way. I need to give this light to everyone in every moment. It's all I can do. It is who I am. This time in my life is occurring at the very time it is supposed to. I set this plan forth when I chose this duality as my next experience to remember who I am. That is such a cool, simple truth; a sweet opportunity to embark on a journey like no other. To live, to love, to shine, to be love.

Peace

Kevin

Dream: Part One

2010-11-14T14:05:00.001-08:00

Vampires and dreamers cannot see their reflections. I knew I was dreaming, because I couldn't see that I was no longer in my 46 year old body. I was in my teens, I thought, for I surely couldn't carry on conversations like the following if I was say--- 5 or 6 years old:

"You gotta believe," I pleaded with my little brother. "This is not the 1960's! I am caught in some time warp continuum, and I am back in my childhood! I'm not what you think I am, like, just your brother!! I'm 46 and it's really 2010, not 1968!"

He didn't believe me.

I so wanted to find a mirror to see what I looked like, but I was sitting on a creaky wooden bench with green painted splinters threatening to pierce my skin near my right butt cheek. The gargantuan willow tree in the backyard, in which I had performed Tarzan-like swinging stunts as a child was there, in all it's stately grace, beckoning me to come for an innocent swing on it's feathered and grainy branches, it's outer epidermis like hardened oatmeal on a stick. It all looked so real, and so in the present. The sky of 1968 was free of the smog I have become so used to living in Southern Californa, which is where I surely was, I said to myself, as I gazed up at the liquid blue sky over Copiague, Long Island, New York circa 1968. Surely I was sleeping in my treehouse on Morningside Street in Pasadena, California, just seeing my old backyard in a fevered dream brought on by some subconscious thought, or had my soul traveled back during my sleeping state, and I was truly in the present that I once knew as the present when I was five years old and living in Copiague with my Mom, Dad and brothers, and a gangly old cat named, Jezebel that constantly clawed at the muzzle of the aging Kelly, the sweet yet once hyperactive Irish Setter that died in front of me when I was ten, her eyes pleading with me to help her keep breathing as if I had the power to bring life to her withered lungs. She simply sighed one last time, laid her right jowl on the cool linoleum of the kitchen floor and died; drool flowing from the middle of two yellow-stained canines like the last of her air transformed into liquid and left to seep through her teeth like a phlegm based creek coming to a stop, it's perpetual motion stifled by an unseen dam forged by Death himself.

My little brother just continued playing with his frozen in time green army men. He presently had the bazooka man, forced into a down on one knee position by melted plastic and glue at the manufacturer's plant, where it was then placed next to 20 other like green militia men in a mock Army foot locker with the Hasbro seal hiding conspicuously in the rightbhand corner, and shipped to toy stores all over the USA for children to open on Christmas day and then set up the various foot soldiers on top of other gifts, and atop pine needles and ornaments that hung from the then 10-dollar Scotch Pine Christmas tree which would probably fetch about 150 dollars in present day California. How could my brother not know this was a dream? Maybe he was in on the time travel trick, or his soul has decided to travel with mine during this dream state, and he is just not aware enough in his present life to be consciously aware of his soul's ability to travel to other dimensions while in the dream state. Either way, there was something I had to figure out, like how was I going to now manipulate this transference of my life so I could change the present, and if so, would that be dangerous for all involved. Also, knowing what I did now, I could surely affect the outcome of some things that were about to happen to my 5 year old self, and probably change my life forever.

A helpful dream weaver placed a pen and paper on the picnic table and I pleaded with my brother once again.
"Patrick, look," I said as I wrote on the yellow legal pad. "it's 2-0-1-0!!!! Don't you see? We're not here in the backyard. I'm sleeping in California where I live, and you're sleeping in your bed in North Carolina!" Patrick stopped banging the bazooka man and "laying down infantry guy" together in an epic battle of strength that persevered in his current 8 year old imagination. He wiped the spittle from his lower lip that got there due to his oral sound effects---the "Che Che Che" sound one makes when his army men are shooting at each other on the domestic battlefield of one's backyard imagination.

"Dude," my brother said in his 38 year old voice that sounded like a cross between a Brooklyn taxi driver and California surfer. "How come you say you are five years old? You're older than me!"

"Because it's a dream brother!"

I got up and tore through the gate that led to the front of the house that I grew up in. It looked the same as I had remembered it. I turned to look north and the landscape suddenly changed. I was in another dream scene. It was the Main Street. All Mom and Pop shops lay in a row in pre-war buildings. There was a Dry Cleaners, a deli, and a Stationary Store that I used to buy bubblebgum from, paid for by the quarters stolen from my Mom's unsuspecting faux leather pocketbook. Across the street from the mock strip mall circa 1968 was a long chain-link fence with close to twenty dogs of various sizes and breeds tied to individual rusted links of fence. My Mom stepped into view and put her arm around my shoulder which I could feel but not see since I could not see my own young shoulder in thiscdream, once again the rules of the subconscious not budging for anything, even a loving embrace from my young mother, though she was not young, but the 70 year old Mom I know now.

"So sad," she said, with a down turned lower lip and a bemused smirch in the corner of her dry, brittle lips. "All those dogs with no where to go as people go about their business of working and school and shopping."

"Don't worry about it, Mom." I said. "In 2010 there will be dog daycare's and boarding places where people can take their pets."
At this she glanced down at me, her brown eyes teary from the Long Island wind, her hair matted and thinning, and crow's feet around her eyes scrunching up in a half smile all their own, they too mocking my words that made no sense to my Mom or for that matter, the un-educated and ignorant eye wrinkles. "You are one funny little boy my dear, Kevin. Quite the imagination you have, and you sure do love the animal's don't you?"

We crossed the street together, and for an instant, I didn't care that I was dreaming and that this wasn't real. I felt a pang of guilt for the illegally purchased Bazooka chewing gum, and I suddenly wanted to apologize to my Mom for all the bad stuff I was destined to do in the near and far future. Like the time I cursed her out while under the influence of cocaine, or for the constant lying, or for all the cum stained sheets she had to clean due to my obsessive masturbation and wet dreams.

As I stepped up to the curb on the other side of the street from the dogs the landscape altered itself again. I was on my old block, two houses down and across the street from my childhood home. I gathered that Patrick was still engaged in little green men warfare and that made me smile until I realized whose house I was in front of. Sadie lived here, and her two sons. Joey was the younger of the two, a good natured fat fellow with a penchant for eating slices of white Wonder Bread straight from the colorfully spotted bag that held the sliced loaf; no peanut butter of jelly, or Fluff, just plain white slices of processed flour and sugar. Michael was Joey's older brother. Mike was a fireman, tall and lean with a sparse mustache and rotting teeth that looked like broken candy corns. Michael was also employed part-time as a babysitter for me and my twin brother when my Mom and Dad would venture to the single-screen cineplex or go bowling on league night, both of them dressed in striped bowling shirts and carrying their own bowling balls in rounded leather cases that I considered to be quite a display of luxury. Michael also taught me how milk can come from a man's private place.

Peace

Kevin

A Short Bio

2010-11-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

I just purchased a book about why we wander (I think I'm a roustabout at heart). It's sort of an anthropological study about our desire for travel and adventure. I like to take travel adventure to the extreme. I want to be a full time, professional wanderer. I have been in California for 10 years this coming Tuesday. It is the longest I have lived somewhere since graduating from college.

In 1986, after college graduation I frolicked for a summer on Fire Island in NY, and then escaped to the Colorado Rockies. I had just experienced the birth of my daughter, and the wanderer in me felt trapped, so I did what I was good at, especially when I felt cornered---I ran! I set Vail, Colorado as my destination and got a gig two days after arriving as a skiing videographer. I spent two years in the mountains, then was convinced to come back to NY to attempt fatherhood---unwed fatherhood. That lasted about three months. I next escaped to Wilmington, North Carolina to break into the budding film business there. I got a gig in radio. I did this for 5 years, with a year break from the Carolina's as I tried my hand at more advanced radio in Washington, DC. I wound up bartending and drinking too much for a year in the Nation's Capitol, so I high-tailed it back to NC for a year and then hit the road in the summer of 1995 for a two year writing/drinking/searching for myself jaunt around the Country.

In 1997 I was living in New York City, bartending and drinking too much and searching for who I was.

In 2000 I found home, my soul station---Los Angeles, California. I worked in the film biz as a foley artist and then got into teaching and now I am finally discovering who I am as I work as a behavior therapist for kids with autism.

I really think the search for who I am is over. I have connected to my crazy ass, sweet, loving, mad soul! I am now on my true adventure. I
love California, but the wanderer in me is pushing from my inner being to the surface. I need to explore some stuff, see some sights, breathe
some new air.

I am a wanderer, a seeker; aware with a childlike wonder of what this World and Life has to offer.

This is the new beginning, the true start down the adventure-filled path.

Oh yeah......

Peace

Kevin

A Little Spiritually Sweet Malarkey ( But Genuine).

2010-11-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Just being love, and coming from love in everything I do, brings about some amazing happenstances; life takes a turn for the sublime; new paths open up that have never been explored, paths of beautiful adventure. Shit, I'm starting to sound like Deepak Chopra or some other self-proclaimed old sage. My consciousness is soaring, there's no doubt about it. I' evolving on a spiritual level that I never thought was attainable in this duality. It's pretty awesome. I don't mean to be tooting my own horn. I'm not feeling superior, that's not it at all, I'm simply enjoying the opportunity to be who I really am, and if all we are is love when it comes down to the bare bones of it all, well then I'm getting' me a true taste of what it's all about.

I feel a connection to others and the world that I have never felt before. Fear is being swept away, any fear at all just scooped up by my soul and tossed away into the atmosphere where it is consumed by "the all" and transformed into pure love adventure (man that sounded cheesy, but I can't help it). The absence of fear is beautiful. It is how life should be lived. No more fear of money (or lack of it). No more fear of being who I am. No more fear of being a truthful open book. No more fear of proclaiming who I really am and who I wish to be. No more fear of being sober and thinking what others will think if I no longer drink to have a good time. When I was drinking, I only thought I was having a good time. What I was doing was escaping, not letting myself enjoy life on livings terms. I hid in the escape of boozing it up at bars. I hid in false proclamations of love and truth and adventure. I created characterizations of me that were not me so I could manipulate others, get what I could out of them to feed my ego, lust, and hypocrisy. Well no mas, I say.

I no longer fear my sexuality. It is simply part of who I am. I'm a sexual being in this body, and I want to revel in that fact, and enjoy the pleasures that true freedom of sexuality can bring. I want to share my huge ability to love and when possible, express it through the physical act of love. Sex rocks! It's part of the adventure, and I believe it should be open, freeing and freaky whenever possible. I have a lot of love to give, after all, as I am learning, love is all there is. John Lennon knew more about this life than I used to think. Many of his creations speak of the simple acts of love, being, freedom, peace and adventure.

Love is all there is.....

Peace

Kevin

Adventure, Please!

2010-11-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

So I'm sober and out of the closet. Man, if a few months ago you would have told me these two facts I would have laughed in your face, gone to the Colorado Bar around the corner to drink myself silly until two in the morning, then take a drunken lass home so I could seduce her, have drunken sex, and then wake up the next morning and not remember her name as I kick her out for peeing in my bed. But oh boy life has taken a swing down the other fork in the road. And the direction feels right.

Last Saturday's AA meeting had me feeling connected to others like me---people that simply have the desire to not have alcohol in their lives. I have been sober for 44 days today and I really feel like it's going to be a lifetime this time around (I have attempted sobriety, though not like this time around, in the past).

I am freaking' excited! I feel like life is opening up to me more than it ever has. The possibilities for adventure are limitless, and not just because I am out or because I no longer drink, but because I am being ME; the me I have been hiding from for most of my life.

Awareness is huge. I have never been so aware of who I am and how I want to live.

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I am excited for whatever transpires, for whatever happens,it will happen with me being me. No longer will a facsimile of me take the reigns; it's me that's leading the way and hopping on the adventure train with no fear and love in my heart and soul.

All aspects of my life have taken on new light. My relationships with the women in my life, my friends, my work relationships, my everyday
interactions with complete strangers. I'm no longer putting on the mask; the facade no longer needs to be updated daily for optimal performance. I'm not acting anymore---I'm being---me....

I am love and I am a shining light in all others lives and this is who I choose to be, it is who I have always been, it is now whom I will forever be.

Peace

Kevin

It's Out

2010-11-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Allright so my laptop fried and I've been dying to write and it's a little of a pain in the ass to write on this here iPad---C-Bone's iPad.

So much is happening in this here life. I am discovering who I am and what I'm all about. Awareness is a funny thing. It just keeps coming, and always in different ways. It comes in a dream, a paragraph from a novel, a line in a TV show, a glance from a friend, the eyes of a dog, the touch of another.

I am having a bit of trouble letting go of someone. My ex is a sweet, caring, smart, sexy, and self-assured woman. I'm a man of self-doubt, frivolity, irresponsibility, wanderlust, sexual perversity, and I am always searching---for something (hence why she is an ex). We are not birds of a feather. She's a soaring eagle, I'm a blue-footed booby.

I think my main reason for hanging onto something that is no longer there is purely an ego-driven thing. I want her to want me. But she does not. She wants to move on, find someone she can trust, someone she can start a family with. At times I think she thinks I could have been that guy, but my penchant for transexuals still rides her psyche like a disturbed hitch-hiker. That's right folks---it's out of the bag, open to the public, available for interpretation. I am bi-sexual. I have been with women, men, and yes---transexuals. Think what you must dear readers-fire me, disown me, berate me with bitter e-mails and phone calls.

I wonder now if I have lost friends and family. Well you know what, if so, that's okay. As that spinach-swill- in', bi-ceps pump in' bi-sexual ex-Navy guy used to say: I Am What I Am ( I always thought Olive Oyl was a transsexual, and surely there was something going on between Popeye and Bluto---or is it Brutus---aaaah, whatever!).

In 2008 while living with my ex, I happened to stay in a motel in West Hollywood for a night after a late job interview. I could have gone home but I used the excuse that I had had a couple of beers after the interview so I didn't want to drive home to Alhambra. However, we were having troubles in the relationship before that fateful night at the motel that happened to be across Santa Monica Boulevard from a Trannie bar. I was leaving my teaching job at the time, and was feeling anxious about it---and life. I was drinking too much (ex never drank a drop in her lifetime), and I was acting like an insecure buffoon. Here I was, leaving a new teaching job, while my ex was wrapping up her Doctorate work and working as Pricipal of the school I was teaching at. I wanted to be a good teacher, and I had some skills, especially my ability to bond with the kids, but my heart wasn't in it. I was becoming a teacher for others; betraying my true desires and who I wanted to be. This was the emotional part of my withdrawal from the relationship, then I simply followed up with a betrayal so I could justify the ending of it. I was still searching, and my ex was not; she knew who she was and what she wanted. I was laboring at the other end of the spectrum---anxious and afraid and trying to discover who I really was.

I'm still a WIP! I still love my ex and at times I wish we still "were." At other times it seems right that we should be just friends, both of us moving on, and continuing this most awesome journey called life.

More to come on this. I have a lot to say about this....

Peace

Kevin

Wheelchair Lovin'

2010-10-22T13:57:00.000-07:00

I got nothin'.

This is what I just said to myself before I typed the words above. I feel the need for writin' but I am stumped when it comes to what to write about. C-Bone? Alcohol? Sex (or my lack of it?), drugs, and rock & roll? Travel? Writing? Sex? Sex? Sex?

Am I hung up on sex? I blame it on the pictures of Kim Kardashian in this months issue of "W" magazine. In three pictures she is completely nude. In one, she points her hearty posterior in the direction of the camera and----"whoa!!!!" Talk about a bubble butt that just keeps on giving. When it comes to what physical attribute I like in a woman, it definitely leans toward the rear section---and the heartier the better. Love me a good bubble butt. Bury my face in it's sweet, tangy mountains of firm rounded flesh. I am a butt man!

However, since becoming sober, I have really discovered that I objectify women too much. I keep my fingers off the porn websites and I delete the "XXX" e-mails my dirty old man Dad sends to me, but I still objectify females for their form. I can't get enough of looking at the curves, the shapes, the skin that glows from moisturizer and the lips that beckon; the hips that sway like rolling hills, the legs strong and muscular attached to the ever so tongue friendly derriere. HmmmHmmmm!!!! I need some water.

Maybe this is my chance to get this out of my system. I know I need to stop looking at others as sex objects. It's hard to do, especially due to the fact that I have been doing this since sexually coming of age (if I have yet that is).

I am going to make a tried and true effort to avoid all pornography and stop objectifying the fairer sex, or any sex for that matter. No longer will I be stopped at a red light, glancing over to the driver to my left, waiting for her to turn, her eyes locking with my sexual leer when she will surely ask me to pull over, her desire for me overwhelming; her need to satiate her sexual drive by having her way with me in a dark alley alongside the nondescript Los Angeles street. I guess I have seen too much porn in my day. I need to face reality. The check-out girl at Ralph's didn't just make a pass at me. The girl that just passed me on the street didn't turn around to check out my ass, and she's not going to approach me and ask for sex on the spot. When I walk into the restaurant or bar, all eyes are not on me, undressing me with their eyes. Sometimes I think like I live in an eternal porno. It may have something to do with the fact that I have had some real "porno moments" in my life: the threesome in Hoboken, the girl that picked me up hitch-hiking in college and showed me her clitoral ring, the transsexual that picked me up when I was a teenager while I walked home from the library and asked me if I liked good head (I didn't know she was a trannie until I went home and told my father and his bud what had happened. I explained the big hands and deep voice, my Dad just laughed and his neighbor bud just said, "How come shit like that never happened to ME when I was a kid?"), the many flings I have had in college and bars after they have closed, the two girls, one handicapped and in a wheelchair that picked me up in West Hollywood as I walked past the outdoor patio of a gay bar: "There's a straight one," the wheelchair bound blond said. They brought me home. As we walked to their apartment the erect blond (no, not a trannie with an erection, she was simply the one walking upright) started kissing me and grabbing my crotch as I pushed her roommate in the wheelchair. When we got up to their apartment the biped excused herself and went to the lieu. The girl in the wheelchair grabbed my belt and pulled me toward her, popping open the buttons of my 501 Jeans (it was 2000), and reached in for my junk just as her friend exited the bathroom. I was pummeled with apartment objects as she yelled at me for attempting to advantage of her wheelchair bound friend. As I reached the hallway beyond the door I fell to the ground as I tried to zip up. I have had some funny times in my days of booze and drugs.

But those days are behind me, and I don't condemn them. I look at them as my life---and I like my life, especially where I am right now, on this path of adventurous truth. I am learning to shed the stuff that doesn't work for me anymore, the stuff that keeps me from evolving. Once again, it's nice to be aware. Though I still have to have my way with a cripple so as to cross "did handicapped person" off my "to-do" list!!

Peace

Kevin

Who Is This Guy?

2010-10-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Leading an AA meeting in West Hollywood in front of 100 alcoholics? Sober for 21 days and feeling like I can do this for the long haul? Saturday night eating yogurt next to Jeff Goldblum in a West Hollywood yogurt shop? In bed at 10pm on a Friday night after a sweet workout at the gym after Thursday's grueling trail run? Living in the moment without anxiety of what has happened yesterday and what might happen tomorrow?

Is this happening to me?

It is---and Ize duz likez it!!!!

It feels real. It feels like me. I have attempted sobriety hundreds of times since 1992. I once succeeded for over a year! I was living with a sober girl in North Carolina at the time. I think that helped, but as soon as we broke up, I was at the bar, in my element, smelling the dank Pabst Blue Ribbon as it merged with the enticing scent of desire, and the "seeker of the seedy" in me took over.

I still seek the seedy sometimes, just not through the process I am used to: drink, lubricate the mind, let down the guard, loosen up----and go to town!

Now I live a different kind of adventure, and it's the first time it truly feels like an adventure. I have been to AA meetings in the past, and it never felt like I fit in with the denizen of sobriety. I mean c'mon, I never had a bottle of vodka placed firmly under my car seat (this always seemed to me to be the true sign of an alcoholic). Now I know alcoholism and addiction comes in many forms, and there are many levels of the disease, and all that matters is that you want to no longer live the way you have been living. I know now I am a better me when I am sober; a true me; a truly adventurous, fearless liver of life.

I ran a meeting today. I felt good. It was genuine. If anything, what I learned was, I am connected to the whole, to the Universe, to the ALL, and I am simply evolving, and creating, who I want to be....

Who do I want to be? I want to be Love. I want to be the end to suffering. I want to be the light that enlivens others. I want to----be...

Peace

Kevin

Vocation Vacation

2010-10-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

Vocation. Big word. I like Vacation better, vocation implies too much work. Maybe my vocation is to have a permanent vacation. Who am I kidding? My life is a permanent vacation; an exploration into living and remembering who I am; my imagination and growing awareness taking me to places that I never thought I would see. In lieu of seeing the Biggest Chair that rests on a grassy knoll somewhere in the Midwest, or the Grand Canyon, I have opted to find me---a remote, mysterious place that only few have gotten to truly see, including myself, for I have been to places like me, but have not yet seen the true me, sure there have been glimpses, and moments that the true me came through it's facade, but rarely have I been the real me in any given 24-hour period---until now! I have remembered who I am, what my purpose is in this duality, and I am now acting, or being, accordingly, and you know what---Ize likes it!!!

I fear nothing, not even death, for there really is no such thing as death. This life, this living, this remembering, is forever and ever. This confused me for most of my life, this cosmic wheel thing, but I get it now, it makes sense; the path before me is clear, and I'm ready for all the adventure that lies ahead.

With this new way of living comes a need to honor my vocation. I want to write. I want to be a writer. I shall therefore stop wanting to be a writer and trade in that thought for a new one: I am a writer. That's all it takes. I am now a writer, it is my vocation, and therefore I am me. I have set the cosmic wheel rolling. My time in this realm shall be spent writing and discovering, and living the adventure, all while remembering, everyday, who I am.

I need not quit my day job to take on this vocation. I could, but it wouldn't be prudent right now, but in time, I shall make a smooth segue from behavior interventionist (which is a vocation of sorts, as well, for giving to others is something I need to do) to writer. It's gonna be sweet, exciting, and will make me a wealthy man in many ways. Monetarily I will thrive as never before, yet more importantly, I will be living the true adventure that is what my soul came to this duality to do. I will be being the highest version of me; I will be giving back of me; I will be a light unto others; love for all those I come into contact with. This is living.

Soon, when I am writing for a living, there will be a phase of travel writing. This I look forward to like a kid waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. This is exciting shit. Travel and writing about travel will be pure bliss. I'll also be writing about my travel adventures from 15 years ago. I have the notes, I need only put it down again, this time with magic flowing from the pen.

My current work has me unable to travel, so I figure that taking on this new vocation will give me the opportunity to "get off the couch"; to go and explore and write all about the inner and outermost thoughts that flow through me as I explore uncharted waters and open up a world of wonder on the page of life. This has been a dream of mine for so long, and I can no longer sit back and watch my dreams fizzle slowly down the drain. Action is inevitable. Can't be a bystander anymore. It's not who I am. Fear has kept me on the sidelines, watching the first string do all the stuff that I used to just dream of doing.

Tonight I am going home and planning a weekend trip for the end of October. After this trip I will plan another, and another after that. Money will not be an issue. Nothing can keep me from this, it is the divine plan that my soul chose to experience in this lifetime. Thank you soul---good call, and I'm glad I finally caught up with you, and now know what you had planned for me in this incarnation all along.

It's going to be an exciting ride. Only on this ride I'm not holding on. My fists are not grasping the safety bar, my feet are not firmly placed in the stirrups. I'm flying free.

Peace

Kevin

NOT TIME YET!!!!!

2010-09-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not ready to Ascend--- yet!!!!! Okay, I've been reading some heavy stuff as of late. Lot's of articles from the Ascensionists- those that believe the earth is changing and that very soon, all those that are willing to ascend to the higher vibrations will be able to do so at the end of this cycle, which is the end of the Mayan calendar 2012.. All cool stuff, and it ties in a lot with truth, beauty, love, life, duality, heaven, and get's a little wild and wooly when it comes to the impending time of "disclosure," when aliens will finally reveal themselves to us at the sweet, loving, advanced sentient beings that they are.

A lot of the Ascension readings have tied in with all the good stuff from my Conversations With God books. I love it all, and I embrace it, because it makes sense to me, and it's in tune with my soul. I dig CWG so much that I get a daily message- an e-mail from the writer of these books, and they are titled, I believe on this day, Kevin, that God wants you to know....(followed by the daily message).

I am going to NY this weekend for a little family visit, a reunion with some family members I have not seen in years, a hang with my daughter, and the celebration of my Mom's 70th birthday. I am psyched. It's going to be a short but sweet trip. A real family affair!!!

So here is today's CWG message from God for me: I believe God wants you to know that there is a family reunion awaiting you. Cool, I thought, man this stuff is in tune with MY LIFE; I'm gonna see family in a couple days.

Then I read on...

The message continued: On the day you leave your body -- what I like to call your Continuation Day -- you will be greeted by everyone you have ever loved in any way for any reason...and, standing in front of the group, every person who has been so very dear to you. It will be a grand and glorious reunion, with joy and laughter and pure wonderment filling every heart and soul!

OH SHIT!!!!, I thought. Is my plane doomed to go down. Is it my time??? My time to see family that have moved on?

I'm not ready to die yet! Sure, I'm ready to evolve, move on to a higher consciousness---I mean I'm doing that right now!!! I want to hang on this earth and experience this duality a little longer---c'mon---please!!! Sure it'll be great to see all my dearly departed family, but not just yet!!!

Well, as long as I got that message out there to the Universe.

I'm here for awhile. There's some cool stuff I need to do. People I need to see and do. Places I need to travel to. Adventures of all kinds to be had. Grandma and Grandpa---love ya, but you'll have to wait a little bit before we have that "celestial reunion."

Peace

Kevin

Lactation Coach For Hire

2010-09-29T18:10:00.001-07:00

There are so many jobs I want to try, so many cities I want to try these jobs in. My wanderlust has been on the precipice of my medulla oblongata as of late. I just perused Craigslist ads in Alaska, Seattle and Los Angeles. So much funky shit to do in this life and possibly even get paid for: blogger for entertainment site in LA, kennel maintenance in Anchorage, Lactation Coach (actual job I heard on the radio) at Kaiser Permanente; all things I could do, and be good at, especially the latter, if I were allowed to drink where I work (now there's a gig---slurp, suckle, slurp, suckle).

I think my recent allergy/asthma attacks add a little to my desire to move. As I sat under the Oriental Elm --- the huge, hulking, peeling monstrosity of a tree that sits innocently in C-Bone's backyard, which is the cause of my current sinus suffering, I thought, why am I subjecting myself to this? I guess I love California. At times, I don't see myself living anywhere else (unless of course they were hiring a Lactation Coach and Professional Sucker at a hospital somewhere else. Shit, I'd move to Alabama to be a lactation coach, or Africa. I'm sure the Bush-women of the Kalahari could use someone with my professional slurping skills, (not to forget nipple tweaking and manipulation, I could do that too).

I walk the streets of Pasadena with Lord C-Bone at my side, wondering to myself how long I will be working with this guy. Is this my final job? Will this be the gig I retire from? I don't have a 401 k or anything that resembles a retirement plan, but I'm sure C-Bone's family would take care of me. The next question that popped up was if I really want to stay in this position forever, or even another year, or six months. I swear, becoming sober has me antsy for sober adventure. You see, when I was drinking regularly, just the act of going out after work for a few drinks, getting excited about who I might meet, what stories I might tell, what nipples I might tweak, this was my adventure, I didn't need to think about sober adventures. I'm glad I can't see living that way anymore. There is so much more I want to do with my life. I want to work with an old friend of mine that now helps people all over the world deal with poverty. I could move to a third world Country and be a behavior therapist---freelance!!! I'm sure the Bush-women of the Kalahari wouldn't know the first thing about autism if one of their offspring were born on the spectrum. I could help their kid and be their lactation coach (ahhh benefits...).

Sobriety = Adventure. I know this now. I guess I need to take a chill pill and just let it ride where it is to go. As long as I make my choices, and think my thoughts, which in turn create the action of the highest quality, then I will get and have all I wish for. For I have it all right now, right here in my present day life. I have awareness, joy, love, material stuffs that I like, freedom, health. I have it all. I just want more. Adventure is what I truly seek, and to me adventure is travel, or even "moving." Seattle, Alaska, Africa, Haiti, Oregon, San Francisco, Texas, England, South America. I have it all, and if I choose to go to any of the aforementioned locations, I will have it all there too.

Unfortunately, I haven't tweaked any nipples in quite a long time, and statute of limitations on my experiences with lactation may be too far gone to have me eligible for that sublime, succulent position.

Peace

Kevin

The Illusion Breaks Down

2010-09-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

This life is gonna be one wild ride. I am a feelin' it. I gotz all my chips stacked the way they should be. I got the truth on my side, and a positively mischievous desire to live. I've always had the option to live this life as me, the true me, the being that loves life and see's the big picture, and feels the connectedness, it was always just a matter of choosing. Too many times I chose the old ways that stopped working for me many moons ago. It's nice to be awake.

The awesome thing is that I am psyched on the adventure that lies ahead; the adventure in this very moment. Every day is an opportunity to become more aware and be the light that I am---a shining beacon of sweet madness with lots of love to go around. The move from ego-centric to other-centric, the being aware every moment, the realizing of how powerful thought and action are, the seeing through the blurry lines of this duality we live in and getting a glimpse of the ALL. It's all pretty cool stuff, hence my seeing it as an adventure.

Had another one of my asthma attacks as I left the gym yesterday afternoon. It started right as I ascended the stairs from the basement dwelling, that feeling of not breathing sneaking in. I initially panicked, but then relaxed, bent over to get my car keys from my backpack, and I returned to normal breathing. These allergies are kickin' my enlightened ass. I don't know if I want to deal with this every year. Seattle is starting to look good. I'm gonna do a weekend there soon and scope it out. I love California but my nose and lungs sure don't, at least these few late summer/early fall months.

Alright---the adventure continues. My life in sobriety, and I have lost nothing. I have gained a life.

Peace

Kevin

Hi, My name is Kevin....

2010-09-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is, Kevin, and I'm an addict and an alcoholic.

This is what I was afraid to reveal to myself and the Universe, but it's out now, and I feel strangely free.

Tonight in a cluttered cafeteria of a local church in Pasadena, I will speak out loud the words that opened this blog post; those words that are italicized above.

Wow this feels strangely good. I thought it would be the toughest thing I could ever do. What would be tough would be continuing to live the way I have been living. Evolution of my soul cannot and will not begin until I let alcohol (and other substances I may have dallied with in the past) go. And there is no better time than right now. I have been struggling with this for quite sometime now. It's apparent throughout all my journals beginning in 1995. Man I'm slow; a little dim-witted when it comes to believing my intuition. Intuition has been speaking to me for quite some time now.

Well I'm listening intuition, Universe, God, soul----all of you, the big whole, the connectedness of everything is so apparent to me now that I need this adventure in sobriety.

So---let the adventure begin....

Peace

Kevin

Wake Up Call??

2010-09-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

A couple beers could never kill me. I've certainly had my share of alcoholic beverages, more than my share I am sure, at times, for sometimes I believe there is definitely room for more, for not all my alcohol-fueled experiences have been negative ones. I don't always wake up next to transsexuals after a night of boozin'. I don't always wind up smokin' crack with hookers. I don't always almost die. But I almost died last night...

I didn't even plan on "drinking." I've been very sober of late, having had a glass of wine here and there the past month. I dabbled with complete sobriety, yet like many times before, I stepped back, broke down; convincing myself once again that it was okay to just have a drink, that I don't have to get drunk, and I haven't been even mildly drunk in months. So, I had no idea as I left the Santa Monica bar that I was to have a near death experience. And this near death had nothing to do with alcohol, I suspect. Whatever it was, it scared the living shit out of me, as a matter of fact, I almost did shit, right there on 3rd Street Court, two blocks from the Pacific ocean, on my way to my truck to get my emergency inhaler because I was having trouble breathing.

It was a long day of work with C-Bone, and after two prior twelve hour shifts during the week, and dog walks, and working out, I was tired as hell Friday night, yet still determined to visit some friends that were in Santa Monica on the tail end of their vacation that started with a drive down the coast from San Francisco. I called them as I left Pasadena at 8:40 pm after meeting with the Mom of a sweet 12 year old Golden Retriever that I was going to sit with Saturday night and Sunday day. This poor pooch was on death's door. As his Mommy babbled incoherently about her fostering this aged canine, I looked the sweet guy in his milky, glaucoma-strewn eyes and feared he he was on his last legs by the way he was breathing: short, labored breaths, like he needed some oxygen or a shot of adrenaline to get his old heart pumping so his lungs could follow. Little did I know in a matter of hours I would see those canine eyes again as I labored with my breathing in the same exact way, struggling to decide whether to throw myself down on the floor of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store on the corner and scream for someone to call 911 or just continue to turn the corner in the alley and let myself go, hoping that my my last vision would be that sweet tortured canine muzzle that reeked of death yet emanated a lifetime of successful fetching and unconditional love giving, in the very same eyes that looked at me above the saliva swathed nose and jowls.

I sipped a Newcastle ale and struggled to breathe. I excused myself from my conversation with my two buds and struggled to not pass out as I lunged for the bathroom door, fantasizing that just above the rank, piss-and-puke strewn urinals hung a rusty metal box that contained not just condoms and paper toilet seat covers but free shots of Albuterol, my prescription inhaler medicine, for my wheezing lungs. No such luck. I peed and tried to slow my shortening breath but the festering atmosphere of the bathroom just made things worse.

"Guys, let's plan on hooking up tomorrow," I said through a few short gasps masquerading as breaths. "I gotta go, this congestion is killing me." Lucky for me my two buds were a little buzzed and my quick departure didn't seem odd. Why am I embarrassed when I don't feel good? It's like I feel guilty for being in a state of respiratory distress, like it is ultimately my fault that I am in this condition in the first place. At this point, however, i didn't care about social graces, I just concentrated on walking the 1/2 mile to the parking deck, wondering if I would make it up the 5 flights of stairs to get to my truck and my neutralizer that waited patiently above the pack of moist wipes and Aveeno skin cream in my backpack; my saving breath of chemical air my only hope for restoring my breathing. The smoke from the Marlboro club outside the bar didn't help my issue as I waved the foul stuff away with a wisp of my arm and headed for the Third Street Promenade. Every step led to my breath becoming more labored. As I crossed Santa Monica Boulevard, I was breathing in and out in short gasps, trying to find a balance. By the time I hit Arizona Street and crossed to get to the alley that led to the stairs of the parking deck, I was not breathing out at all. It had stopped, and my breathing in was coming to a stop as well. Think quick little puffs of air, about a seconds worth, every 5 seconds being the only in-coming air. I had felt like this once before, in North Carolina when my roommate's girlfriends' cat, a huge Persian, decided to sleep the night away on my face. I awoke with no breathing, threw the cat across the room and got a ride to the emergency room. This was 50% more distressed breathing. I started to panic, even yelling out a little, a small squeal that sounded like a last plea for leniency before the electric chair. A couple looked at me in a strange way as they knew I was in some distress but they ultimately wrote me off as a drunk from the way I was walking.

I looked into the brightly lit window of a Bed, Bath & Beyond, and couldn't believe that i was going to die this night, probably begging for air in the bathroom rug aisle of the trendy store. The vision of the old Golden's eyes appeared in front of me and I knew for sure that this was it. How unfair, I thought, that this would be how the end would happen. Fuck, I'm not ready to go yet!!!! I turned the corner of Third Street Court and suddenly, without even a second of what might have been relief, I began to breathe a little better. Just a little, but enough to let me know I wasn't going to die. I was being given another chance. I picked up my pace and headed for the staircase. As I climbed the breathing worsened again and I became dizzy, feeling as if I was going to pass out right there on the cement steps. A blur of the number 5 graced my line of sight and I breathed a little easier knowing I had made it to my floor. I fumbled my keys, dropped them twice, and was sure I would die before I opened the truck door. Someone else's (as if I was dreaming now and it wasn't my hand but an Angel's) hand picked up the keys from the oily black tar, miraculously opened my truck door and pulled out the neutralizer, it's red colored plastic looking like a shiny gift from God. I pulled in a shot of the medicine and instantly let out a deep breath that seemed to have been hiding somewhere in the recesses of my struggling lungs. I was going to live.

It's now Saturday and I haven't left my house. I did my sinus rinse, took some Sudafed, and thanked God that he let me see this day. I'm still a bit fucked up right now. I think back at how I felt on that street corner and it scares me still. I was really going to die. I was not breathing. What scares me is I am healthier now than I have ever been in my life, so why now, why this distress in my lungs?

I called my doctor but they're closed on the weekends. I will call Monday and get into the doctor's office as quickly as possible.

There is no scarier feeling in the world than not being able to breathe.

Thank you, God. For life. Keep it comin' please!!!!!!!

Peace

kevin

Just A Little Wine....

2010-09-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Where is the wine? The succulent grape? The buzz....The sweet, oh so lost feeling that wafts over one's senses by the end of the second glass of Cab, or Pinot, or Malbec, or...

Sobriety=GOOD.

Sobriety > Drunkenness (A little Math thrown in, huh? You like that? >GREATER THAN, right? Am I right? This would be less than: 6<7. Right, huh? Yeah? I am good. I was a teacher y'know). I taught math too. Geometry. On my first day of teaching Geometry to a high school class full of sweet misfits, I reached for the "Geometry For Dummies" book off of my perfectly arranged desk (I was OCD when it came to my desk. Man I hated pencil eraser scraps---that shit would get everywhere, especially when the tiny rubber nano-particles that fell off the eraser would shimmy into the corners of the what looked to be ironed desk calendar that I displayed proudly on my dented metal teacher desk; not a wrinkle on the paper; perfect print revealing meetings and IEP's to be had on particular dates), and the kids rang out in unison: "Yo teach!! You be callin' us dummies, huh? Man that's cold!!!"
"No, no, no, no, no." I assured them. "This book's for me!!!!!"

Sobriety. I sit now at home typing, after a sweet weekend. Today I ran 6+ miles on a particularly steep, rocky trail---and it felt great. Then lunch with running buds at Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles. Nothing like that place--- Mouth-watering waffles that melt in your mouth as fast as the whipped butter melts on the warm, doughy circular slice of heaven. Fried chicken smothered in onion gravy. HmmmHmmmmHmmmm...!! Then I helped an old student of mine clean up his apartment for the arrival of his new wife from Egypt. Then went to Bob's Big Boy for a burger. Now I type, and as I began this blog entry I thought: You know, if I go get a bottle of wine and, you know, just have a glass or two, well, then I can write an interesting blog. This may be true. However, I held on to sobriety, and I am glad I did. I am proud of myself for staying the path, for finding more reason's to not drink than to drink.

But what's the worst that could happen if I had a little wine? Right?

Alternate Blog (If I had wine): Screenplay: Scene 1 Act 1. Evening-small apartment in Pasadena. The place is neat, almost too neat, serial killer neat, a very metrosexual apartment, flowers, plants, red towels, reeds in a large floor vase, candles.

Cut To: Kevin puts down wine glass, it's his second one.
Cue Voice-Over Narration (Kevin).

It was a dark and stormy night, at least in my brain it was, after that second glass of wine. It never gets dark and stormy in Pasadena in the beginning of September. September is actually the beginning of our second summer. That's my little touch, what I like to call renaming the seasons. I digress...

That wine was nice, so nice that I think I should go to the local bar for a beer, just one, you know, to wet the whistle, to loosen me up so I can then come home and write. Yeah, that's the idea, just one drink.

CUT TO: Colorado Bar, not too crowded on a Sunday.
Cue: Continue Voice- Over narration.

Okay, so I had a few more beers than one, I think it was about four (seven). How did it get to be 1am, I thought. It can't be that late. Something is missing too, I need something, what is it? Oh yeah---cigarettes!! That's right, I need some smokes.

CUT TO: 7-Eleven Parking lot. Kevin stands in the lot, opening his pack of yellow American Spirits, the smokes he mistakenly believes aren't as bad for you as regular butts. They're like, what do ya call it, yeah---Organic tobacco cigarettes, yeah, that's the ticket.
Cue Voice-Over Narration:

The car with the ladies must have been next to me all along, because out of the blue, there it was, pulling up beside me, a black woman all smoky and chocolate skinned tipping the ash of her cigarette to the pavement by my shoe. She looked me up and down, desiring me with her eyes and a left to right movement of tongue over lower lip, and mumbled something about a party at a hotel. The back door opened and I hopped in without a care in the world. There were three lovely lasses in the car, one cuter than the next. The one in the back seat next to me immediately placed her hand on my leg and slipped her lips up to my ear. "You wanna get high, sugar," she asked with a hint of malice in her low-pitched voice. "You bet." I said. Didn't take long to get me going. We smoked something from a thin, very hot glass pipe, crack or meth, I didn't know and I didn't care, this was gonna be fun.

Cut To: Hotel Room-full of scantily clad men and women, cocks and vagina's fighting for viewership rights, fingers in pussies, mouths on cocks, tongues up asses. A steady haze of drug smoke wafted throughout the small room. A transsexual stands under the TV placed up high by the ceiling jerking off her huge cock and playing with her fake breasts. Kevin walks over to her.

Cue Voice-Over Narration:

I found myself unusually attracted to this goddess of both sexes as she fondled her surgically altered breasts and stroked her god-given nether region. How did I get here I thought. Wasn't I just going to have a glass of red wine and write a blog? Instead I'm high, drunk, and probably about to engage in some manner of kinky hijinks with a roomful of neer-do-well's and wake up on the rank floor of this hotel room in a few hours. Wow. Amazing where a glass of wine will take one, well...I mean...ME!

(No one was harmed in the creatin of this ficticious scenario, however, there is some truth to this fiction, for I have found myself in similiar situations. Ahhh the life of a searcher, a freak, an addict, a seeker of the seedy...

Now I seek love, inner peace, joy, sobriety, and adventure...and it's all happening now.

But if i could only remember where that hotel was......:)

Peace

Kevin

I had it Ass-Backwards!

2010-09-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhhh---awareness is a trip!!!!

I am reading Conversations With God III. Amazingly relevant to my life right now in this illusory reality we know as life on earth. It is so connected. I am becoming and feeling so connected with the Universe, God---every living creature. It sounds cheesy, but it's not---it's sweet as a berry and light as a feather as opposed to the gruffness and girth of cheese. It is oh so sweet in so many ways. It shows in the changes taking place in my everyday life. It shows in through the Law Of Attraction. It shows through all my relationships. It shows in art I come into contact with. It shows in the eyes of the canines I walk. It shows in C-Bone's eyes when he looks at me while he sits on his couch and ponders life. It shows in my straightened posture, my outlook, my sobriety, my physical capabilities, my higher consciousness, my whole being.

The adventure is in full throttle; it's happening as I type this. It's happening when I sleep, when I wake, when I---BE---ME. I be, therefore I do, therefore I have! The world and it's inhabitants usually get it wrong---this paradigm---that if you you be (what you want, or want to have), you will do as if you have, then you will have what you want. Most people, including me before I awoke to the relevance of this paradigm, go about it the opposite way. I used to want so badly (still do when I'm not feeling aware, which is less and less these days, gratefully). All I would think about is this: If I had this (more money), then I could travel and be a writer, traveler, and a wealthy one at that. It doesn't work that way I have learned, it works just the opposite. It is so true. Be that which you want, then do accordingly, and you have. So simple, at times seems so difficult to do, but it's not. I do need to keep walking the walk, though, it's the only way this truth can continue to manifest. It's so funky cool!!!!

Alright--off to work for me, hang with the C-Bone, be the love I am for this guy, give of me, and I already have all I need.

More to come on this.

Peace,

Kevin

Beginning

2010-08-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

Sugar in my blood, caffeine in my veins, madness in my head. Confusion. Fear. Wonder. Awe.

I am having an awakening moment, and to be honest, I am scared. I know who I am. I have known who I am for many years, somewhere along the way I let me go to the sidelines, I buried him in the fear closet, not to be let out, only to be released in case of near death so I can fearlessly release the true me and I will not fear rejection.

Many years ago, I'm not sure when exactly, I buried my true self from the world, eventually even believing myself that I was being the true me. I was living a lie. I have been living lies as long as I have been living. These lies increased every waking year, one building on top of the other until even I didn't know what was up and what was down, what was real and what was illusion, what was me and what was not.

The pain comes from not being able to live like this anymore!!!! I can't do it. I have to be.

This is one of the scariest moments in my life, and I can only hope that opening up and revealing the true me will eventually come down to others (friends, lovers, family) saying: So, what the fuck were you so scared about ass?

My mind is swirling, a mad question mark spinning and enveloping itself and becoming a closed object, an infinite wheel or circle, spinning and eating itself whole; the process, the spinning is everlasting, a cycle that does not end. It is time for this cycle to end. My cycle of lies and self-deception and fear and fighting for validation; no longer can I live in this creation of my my fear-mind.

The world is changing. The world as a whole will be revealing some ultimate truths in the very near future, and therefore, As The World Turns (never thought I'd pull of a soap opera reference), so shall my truth, my cycle will break. I put a sword upon the spinning question mark that continues to engulf itself. I need to split the chain reaction right now before it can never be free of it's untrue nature, it's constant devouring of it's own soul.

My cycle for many years has been so driven by fear, and I have learned so much in the past few years from living, and beginning to open my eyes and look inside myself and out at the world and others at the same time. I have evolved from an ego-centric being to a true other-centric being. I give of me. But it's not enough. I cannot continue to give, and be truth and love until I begin living MY life, until I truly live remembering who I am, and until I stop looking for validation and truth from others. It is all in me. It is all up to me. I cannot go on living this life anymore.

Now is the time to get serious about living my ideals. I have determined the spiritual principles I wish to exemplify. I need to abide by these principles as if they were laws, as if it were indeed sinful to compromise them. I cannot keep living the facsimile of me, the version that is only partial-truth and not the whole. I need to embrace the wholeness of my being and let it fly free forever and ever.

I need not care if others share my convictions. How long can I afford to put off who I really want to be? My nobler self cannot wait any longer. I need to put my principles into action now, my lust and zest for life must show in the simplicity of my truth in every conscious thought and decision I make. I need to stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is my life!!!!!!! I am not a child anymore. The sooner I set myself to my spiritual program, the happier I will be. Only in being truth can I live a true happy life. The longer I wait to live MY life the more I will be vulnerable to mediocrity and feel filled with shame and regret. I can't live thinking I will be on my death bed having not lived my life as me. I know I am capable of better!

Time to be extraordinary, for that is who I am, in all facets of me. The whole, the truth, the way.

To be....

I-------(to be continued).

ART OF LIFE

2010-08-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Art is speaking to me. Whether it be in the form of the written word (Conversations With God, newspaper article) or a film, or a friend's blogful of poetry and mad musings, or my cousin's website, at which his daily musings reflect where my head is at; his chosen topic for the day echoing my thoughts---amazing this connectedness to others---to other artist's.

I have been an artist all my life. I was a foley artist. I am a writer. My imagination has been spewing art since I was old enough to know I was imagining. I create life scenarios in my head like little one act plays without endings.

I love the fact that those in life I am currently connected to are artist's---and hugely creative one's at that. They teach me so much; I am an apt pupil ripe for becoming more and more aware as I come into contact with my fellow artists' bodies of work. I become more aware after a phone call with one of them, or a Saturday spent watching movies and drinking coffee. My personal artist's are all around me. The homeless guy calling out to me share's his art for cynical conversation; the migrant workers outside the Home Depot by the Human Society where I go to pick up my buddy, Finn, for a walk, they speak to me, ask me questions, say "have a nice day" and I learn from their patience and obvious desire to be part of this world, for isn't that what we all desire, to just be connected and happy?

Making recent changes in my life has somehow, at times, kept me isolated from my fellow artists', friends and lovers. I have holed myself up in my head, reading, writing, thinking, being. Yet it's not bad isolationism; I don't seek to not be around others, I have simply needed more time than usual for reflection. I still need some more time before I break out of my proverbial closet, my cave, my inner fear-self. I am getting there, but it is definitely a process, however due to this process, and when I stick with it, I know that change is inevitable, change of the highest order.

I look forward to this life now like I used to look forward to getting off of work so I could get "off", so I could escape from myself. Drugs, drinking, lying, cheating, racking up the guilty feelings was an everyday thing---well no longer shall this be. I am aware. I am me. I can no longer be the false representations of me, they no longer exist, there is only me--truth, love...

I am an artist of creation in everything I do. I am creating who I am. I am an artist when my soul remembers who I am, for I am creating with every thought. The world is my canvas and I am laying down tracks, every moment, with a creative thought comes another creative imprint, something to look at and ponder and love.

I am an artist when I am working with my autistic buddies, when I am walking my canine friend's, when I am helping others, when I am being nothing but love.

Here's to ART and all it entails!!!!! Thank you fellow artist's for being aware in your own special ways, and for sharing, and for remembering who YOU are, and for being connected so sweetly to the whole....

Peace

Kevin

Now, Here, Here Now, Nowhere......

2010-08-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

I live in a mixing bowl of life full of: autistic kids, dogs, women- come and gone, (some still around, some far away ((happily)), and some that should be closer, many other relationships past and present, sexual and not so sexual, some innocent some taboo (according to some), friends and not so good friends, relatives, insects, strangers that I got to know (yet they still maintain the characteristics of "the stranger" ), reptiles, mammals, fish, lovers, haters, freaks, gays, straights, blacks, whites, transsexuals, amphibians, monstrosities, pungent flowers, acidic beverages, ashy drugs, mind-numbing booze--- all of these entities, from many moons ago and two weekends ago up to this very day I write these words, wallowing around in the mix of my memories, appearing and disappearing as if they have their own will to do so. I fight everyday to understand and thrive in this mixing bowl, along with some semblance of honor, love, and decency. I fail many days to not be swayed by the spinning whisk of the electrical device that churns the ingredients of this most surreal and exotic mixing bowl, it's ceramic coating beginning to crack from the increase in atmospheric pressure of change in this life that once was, the life that seemed normal to some extent, which in reality was anything but. I cannot dwell in the land of the blissfully ignorant, being too all-aware in the realms of this oval piece of hard-shelled Tupperware, trying to climb the arced walls yet getting nowhere fast most of the time, slipping back into the artful whirlpool created by the whisk that mixes it all, content to see what and who spews forth from the tongs of the mechanical whisker for a moment in the spotlight, and what and who simply meld into the bottom of the bowl and die, done with it's time in the here and now, ready to either ascend to the higher realms---say the crystal bowls that adorn the bureau in the dining room of life---, others content to descend into the agitated muck that swirls aimlessly in the bottom of the bowl. My head is above water and I like the view. I can see beyond the rim of the bowl and it's got me hard, and sweaty, and ready for adventure. I clench my fingers into a fist from the energy that shoots to my hands, my jaw clenching in exasperated fits of churned muscle appearing for a second on the cheek and looking like a dimple with the mumps. I grit my teeth one more time and take hold of the rim and do a fancy gymnastic like flip to the outer section of the bowl. I'm on the periphery, about to fall into the unknown, and ya know what, it's all good to not know exactly where I am landing.

I am ascending. My consciousness is rising; my soul is remembering; my life is becoming as it should be, world without end, life everlasting--- cool, wild, mad, insane, nutty shit---and it all rocks.

Yyyyyeeeehhhaaaahhhh!!!! The bowl I once knew teetered on the edge of the counter, spun itself off in a flurry of past lives, emotions, friends and lovers, books read, films seen, lips kissed, skin caressed, bangs placed sweetly on top of lonely ears, tears rolled down to the lips and taken in by the tongue, dreams titillating and confusing and some oh so real, now all spread on the kitchen floor, ready to become something else once the bacteria forms after the constant flow of oxygen penetrates it's detritus, and it too ascends to another realm, some of it maybe transforming to be seen again in my next incarnation which will not happen after a death, but after the opportunity to start a new life in the here and the now, the now here, the nowhere....

Peace

Kevin

Infinitely Time

2010-08-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have to JEST!!! I am going to read David Foster Wallace's huge tome, "Infinite Jest."
The read of the summer. I just read a newspaper article by a writer that to better improve his writing and to get him out of a funky sort of writer's block, he tackled Wallace's masterpiece. I shall do the same. I have picked up this monstrosity several times the past year yet never got past looking at the cover.

I so want to write. I want to be a writer. I want to write all the time as a lover jumps in and out of the sack with his multiple conquests, making love daily, hourly, as much as humanly possible, this is how I want to take a go at writing. I know I can do it. I have the time. Instead of sitting at a coffee shop after work reading the Los Angeles Times and thinking about where and who I want to be, I am simply going to be---a writer!!! Writer's write. Someone said that once. I journal everyday and I blog once in a while, but it has to move up a notch or two, or three...

Writing will be my drug, my pain killer, my passion, my lover, my friend, my soul partner.

Honesty has to be the major part of the writing. In the past, I have been too afraid to truly write from my heart and my soul; my complete and utter being. This has to stop. No fear. All out, balls to the wall freedom of expression and thought, and I will be an open book. I may lose some trusted friends for a minute when they see the sides of me that maybe they did not know existed, but I guess that's the price I have to pay for living a truly honest life. I have been living someone else's version of my life for way too long; the version that is safe and construed by those in my life although they did not overtly ask to do so. I have let how I feel what others think about me rule my life for all too long. It can't be like that anymore. This is the final chapter of my life in this illusory reality we call life; this duality of good and bad, happy and sad, love and hate. Times they are a changin' and I need to change with them, and the one way I can do this is to truly be ME. The me I know is me, not the me I have created to please the masses. The phrase "brutally honest" has been a foreign thing for me for most of my adult life. At some point in my existence I decided I needed to hide the true me, and I have been seeking the dark alley where not a soul can see me for who I am for way too long. I am coming out of the darkness. I am light. I am love. I am truth. I have no fear!!!

This is the only way I can live. No more excuses. how long can I keep on living the life that is not who I am? The answer is no longer.

This gonna be a fun ride. Grab hold of your hats, tuck in that tongue to the recesses of your cheek. Turbulent sweet life through the word. See ya soon.

Peace

Kevin

I've Baptized Myself

2010-08-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

Oh where, Oh where, has the writer in me been?

I wonder why I have not felt grounded as of late. I wonder why I feel depressed, anxious, flighty. I feel change coming, as I often do, yet a sense of dread hangs on the corners of the presumed change, a sense of fatality almost, like something has to die in order for something else to live---or change---since I put the two together that is: change and life. To me, life without change is no life at all. I too often get bogged down in the specifics of change. I need to learn to let change happen.

So here goes. I am going to let it happen, and I can guarantee that my next couple of blogs (if I don't get lost in my head again and neglect the writing) are going to be about this change as it happens.

Fear of change is big for me, especially when it comes to my professional life. Change in my personal life I can deal with, but with this fickle economy, my withering finances, and the news media constantly shilling about how bad shit is out there (The job situation is bleak, they say with gusto, gonna be bleak for some time, they elaborate---fuck them!). I fear changing jobs. I want to change the direction of my professional life. I am thinking of leaving the world of Special Ed. I'm not feeling it anymore like I used to. I tried, daily, weekly, and monthly for the past 6 months to convince myself otherwise but there is no denying the simple fact that I want something else. Yet I fear if I let what I have go than I will surely wither and die. Why this unheralded fear???

I get daily musings, in an e-mail from Neal Donald Walsch, the author of the Conversations With God books. Today's was specific when it comes to fearing the situation you are in. He mentioned that if you look at your situation that you are fretting over, look at it again, from another angle. He then goes on to say that if you do this angular re-look that it won't seem so bad. Just open the newspaper, he says, and see how bad it is for many others. He then goes on to say that his Grandmother would say: When you're 90 and you look back at this you'll realize it wasn't that bad or worthy of fretting. I have to agree.

So my life will now be an exercise in experiencing a daily reality of NO FEAR. It's the only way I can live from this moment on.

I want to do something else professionally---then I should do it. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says about it, right? It's my life. I want to live my dreams. I have the ability to live my dreams. A lot of my life has been living my dreams, so now it's time to take it to the next level and live my dreams 24/7. What's the worst that could happen when one is living his true dreams? Think about it. Hmmmmm. I get it.

I have been applying for all manner of different professions. And screw my past fear that I'm getting too old to keep changing jobs. I've been doing this all my working life, so why stop now. I have made it work all my working life so why should I worry that it won't work now? Damn that fear!!!!!! That's right---damn that fear!

Good to be ranting again.

Peace

Kevin

Time To Blog

2010-06-25T10:28:00.001-07:00

Gotta blog gotta blog gotta blog blog blog....

Man I need to get back in the groove of chronicling this whack life of mine. A few months ago I decided that I would only blog fiction, yet a special person in my life said, "you can't do that, you need to blog about you, that's much more interesting." I hope she's right, for if not, I shall surely bore the few folk that glance at this drivel every once in a blue moon.

Yet I profess to NOT write drivel. I shall write from the soul and the heart. The musings shall be entertaining at the least or I shall not post.

Life is about to make an interesting turn, at this very moment actually, so I shall return to a chronicling of such events as they occur in real time. A little blog Reality Show if you will. F-the Kardashians (though I wouldn't mind actually "f-ing" them (anyone of the 3)!!! I am going to post true, spectacularly funny and entertaining posts, and if my few readers see the quality diminish at any time, please let me know so I can either edit or cease to blog.

Peace

Kevin

Still Special Ed???

2010-06-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

Am I still Special Ed????

I'm not so sure who I am? I'm not so sure I know what I am doing anymore? I'm not sure if I know where I should be anymore?

Special, yes, but not sure just what type of special.

Purple haze.......

More, please....

2010-05-09T16:44:00.000-07:00

Life is a trip!!! Things are happening in my life that are exciting, mysterious, and sweet. There is so much to this life, especially when it comes to growth and increased "awareness." I am becoming aware, daily, of so much, that at times it seems overwhelming. But it's cool. It's exciting. Shit is happening. And it is shit that's happening that is only happening because of my increased "awareness." It's true. I know it. I just know it. It's so much to think about that it's hard to pinpoint exactly what is happening, or to narrow it down seems a futile effort. It's complicated and simple at the same time---and that make it's what it is---awareness is wonderful, vexing, strange, real, bizarre, and addictive. I want more. Awareness keeps coming, yet I can't compartmentalize it all into an easy fit; a true quantitative tallying of these pieces of awareness seems impossible. It's too ethereal and sometimes seems illusory and not even solid---but it's there for the looking yet maybe not the grasping. The grasping comes later, after a few more "shots" of awareness on some other level. I get excited just thinking about it sometimes, but sometimes I just want to explode; I want to cry out to the Universe: "What's this shit all about???? Stop toying with me and let me see the big picture---the full connection!!!!" But of course it's not that simple; the answer doesn't come this way--it's a process. Gotta have a little patience, I guess.

Things that have happened recently to prove my theory:

1. Met a dude on a train that talked about a new awareness and 2012, and what it really means for us as a people on the verge of a "new way of living."
2. Have recently become single so as to work on all this information without the "relationship bubble." (Not that I shun relationships, but I think I am single for a reason right now----to learn, grow, explore, and concentrate on all this sweet madness.
3. Things I read are all connected, and these things just show up, I am not looking for them, they come to me.
4. My job is prophetic of what my life will be, working with these minds in the world of autism isn't just a "job"--there's a deeper reason for me doing this kind of work---and it's a sweet, giving, real reason that will open up the world for me like nothing else could.

There's so much more that I can't even write it down right now. It hurts my head sometimes when I think about it---but I know it's not an obsessive, weird, or thing that is taking place of something else missing in my life. This is real---and it's cool---and about to get cooler!!

Peace
Kevin